When I stand up for myself my mom gets angry and says she is hurt. What do I do?

Selfish and ungrateful.

Selfish and ungrateful?

Selfish and ungrateful! I love it!!!

Momsgoto, there is something about glorious, blazing, triumphant illogicality that just tickles me for some reason.

"I went to the shops and bought these items, having learned nothing from many previous similar experiences. My daughter says she is fed up with returning items I have bought and don't want, and is not going to play this game any more. How selfish and ungrateful of her!"

I can only recommend that you carry on being as selfish and ungrateful as your sanity, your sense of reality and your marriage require; and allow your mother to enjoy her grievances.

You are in my eyes already bending over backwards to serve mom - you travel 3 hours round trip to visit for how long, then you spend at least an hour a week talking to her on the phone and recovering from her abuse. Then you spend another couple of hours fretting about it. I can certainly see how your husband would not want to share you any more with your mom - you married him, not her!

That's too bad for your mom that she has not figured out how to live without someone at her beck and call. Maybe you should start retraining her now so she has a better rest of her life! Perhaps a call OR a visit a week. You also set a timer on your phone or kitchen clock to limit the time you have with her. When it rings, time's up and you have to go to your next appointment. That appt could be taking out the garbage - its importance does not matter, what matters is that you obey YOUR schedule, not mom's. Distance yourself from her so she can have the joy of being an independent woman!

Momsgoto, it sounds like your mother is turning the FOG onto you -- fear, obligation, and guilt. A lot of parents do that to their children and it is very unfair. Since you spent a lot of years in therapy, you probably already know these things. It feels bad when they get old and keep pushing on the boundaries we build. Mine does that all the time, hoping they will cave in.

The part about returning things had me nodding my head. Mine will buy something, then decide she doesn't like it or thinks it cost too much. She wants me to return it. I won't do that anymore, since it seemed to be turning into a game with her. When I stopped returning, my mother didn't try it anymore. I don't understand why she was doing this, but it was very irritating. It was more like she couldn't find anything that pleased her, not even if she bought it herself.

I know you are just venting, momsgoto. Vent away. Many of us know what you're saying.

My mother and I have had a good relationship most of my life. I had a good childhood. As long as everything went her way, all was fine with the world. When my father died the story changed. She no longer had someone to do her bidding night and day. I do my best. I know that on an intellectual level but I feel like I should always do more. I feel like I am in a catch-22. I want to do nice things for her and I am kind by nature. But when I do that she is mean and uses my good nature as a sign weakness. She is definitely counting on me caving. She wants to live in my house and will not consider any other alternatives. Even if I did cave, my husband is adamant that she cannot live with us. He has watched her manipulation for years. He and I agree on one thing. If my mother moves in, our marriage may not survive. I live every day in a vice.
I'm suspicious that there is some cognitive decline but every doctor says she is fine. She keeps her house clean and is pretty sharp with her finances. So it's the interpersonal deficits that are obvious but only to those who know her. In my experience, doctors really don't care that much about these issues. Unless your loved one is licking the walls or disoriented as to time and place they don't address it.

My mother has spent her life buying things & then returning them. When Dad was alive, he'd drive her all over the place to return the items she didn't want. I think she gets a thrill buying them, then when the initial thrill of the purchase wears off, she's left with a bunch of stuff she doesn't want/need. These days, she lives in an assisted living facility and the bus driver will occasionally bring her back to the mall to return something. Then she made a habit out of doing it, so the bus driver said No More. As for me, I work full time and will NOT spend my weekends returning unnecessary purchases to stores, period. Yes, I'm "selfish and ungrateful" and that's just fine! Don't buy into the nonsense......it takes two to play this game.

It sounds like she is depressed and in cognitive decline. It's a positive sign actually that she still realizes her purchases were not necessary and wants them returned vs. hoarding or not realizing they were unnecessary. Slow in processing, poorer decisions, and trouble initiating action (e.g. as little as leaving the house alone, let alone something as big as moving) are hallmarks of age-related decline. Her defense/response to get you to do it probably is ingrained. But if you can view it as a deficit/fear vs. intentionally making your life difficult, it may help you and her (even if you suspect it may be a little of both, it's at least partly not her fault). But, know that she probably can't stop the shopping on her own (not won't, but can't), and if she's made to feel badly/guilty, she may start to hide it and also waste her resources. Can someone from the community visit or can you hire an aide for occasional visits? Anything to address depression, loneliness and fear of being alone? Very few people have any idea how scary it's going to be while they are still capable of making a move. They don't know they're going to be mentally incapable of moving later. I encourage everyone to google "brain loss from aging MRI" to better empathize with the losses in cognitive, memory, personality, and pragmatics. It's tough to see someone, especially a parent, lose "common sense," but it's biological. You sound caring and supportive. You need support and breaks too. But it does really sound like she is depressed and declining beyond her control. It's hard to get away or through the day to day responsibilities, but if you can, try to work in some high quality outings or visits and take some pictures of them to leave with her.

Manipulative mothers....(sigh) where would this board be without them?
I too have one, and I also had a very unhappy childhood, made much more difficult by a mother who threatened to kill herself at every turn. I grew up terrified and in constant fear that she would, in fact, do that and I'd be held to blame and would go to jail.
It's only taken 60 years for me to stand up to her. I kind of blew up 2 weeks ago when she pulled this stunt again. All I said was "Do as you please, mom, we'll all be fine." This set off a pout-fest and one of those "you kids were so hard to raise! My Dr always said you'd be the death of me!" (she's 87, and nobody has done her in yet.)
When Mother gets this way, I have the power to WALK AWAY. And I do. And I FINALLY have the power to do so without any guilt, whatsoever.
I will now set boundaries and if she crosses them..I warn her. She usually respects them. If she doesn't, I will say "Ok, then I am in timeout and I will see you in 2 weeks". Whether or not she cares is her problem. I doubt she even notices.
In your case--can you move your mom closer to you (NOT in with you) to cut back on the long drive..or are you OK with it chewing up an entire day? This would pretty much end a relationship with my mom, she's within 20 minutes of all her kids.
I can say without question, unless she has a serious cognitive decline, this behavior is going to go on as long as YOU let it. You're the one in charge here and now. Set some boundaries and stick with them. Sounds like she's not going to be happy no matter what you do, so set things to please yourself! And good luck with it!! :)

Setting your boundaries is smart. You have to limit your visits, limit your running around and doing endless errands. Spend quality time with your family, and maybe this will help when your mom is being difficult. Hope this helps, Please take care of you, remember quality time vs. quantity.

You are a great daughter and quite frankly your mother doesn't have boundaries and is demonstrating manipulative and selfish behavior. I think the less you communicate the better. It's hard not to at first because you will feel like you "should" be calling her. Don't do it ....it gets easier. Unless you all just have a ball talking every day...why do you need to call her daily? I don't even call people daily who don't manipulate me. There is no law that says since you are her daughter you need to do this. Let her live with her independence and stop seeing you as someone who is a daily touchstone and scape goat. The more you let her be independent of you the better for you both. Some persons ALWAYS think that people owe them something. You say she doesn't have dementia. Did a doctor do the Mini Mental or some other test for cognitive decline? Also, if she still has her credit cards and is ordering things with the expectation you will return them...I would put the kibosh on that. You are under no obligation to do that for her. She can arrange for UPS to do a pick up as will USPS. It sounds like you are not POA and that she does her own finances. If you are concerned about her having some dementia then perhaps she needs to have her credit card removed before she is a victim of a scam. Sorry to sound so tough but sometimes tough love is needed.

Goto, God bless you for trying. I'm an old woman, too; and it would be fun to have someone like you at my beck and call! However, you are not obligated to be her plaything. Feeling guilty? How about feeling used instead?
If you truly think you are guilty of doing wrong, then try changing what you're doing:
You set your limits where you and your husband want them--and be more generous toward him, because I expect (from my own experience) that he is willing to agree to let you do more for Mom than he really thinks you should.
Tell Mom you're sorry if she thought she was going to move in with you and have you unselfishly cater to her every whim, but she must have slipped up somewhere in her child-rearing technique because that ain't gonna happen. Now, she needs to make other plans while she is still competent to do so, and you will help her examine her options at your convenience.
Since she has financial means to live in a community, suggest that she would be happier there than whining and wishing you'd do more than you are going to do for her. Basically, tell her to grow up and get on with her life; and you can spend 3 hours a week (or whatever limit YOU set) helping her find a new good place to live before it's too late for her to have any choice in it.
From my observation, people who move into a senior community nearly always say they should have done it sooner; so IMO, this would be a wonderful thing for you to do for her. 
At any rate, you're not abusing her; your primary obligations are to your own household, so no guilt for setting your limits.