Stepfather accusing me of stealing his tools. Any advice?
My stepfather at the age of 88 started accusing me of stealing his tools and selling them for money and buying drugs with the money. He has convinced my mother that I steal his tools and sell them for cash and buy drugs. In about 5 to 10 days either I find the tool, or my mother finds the tool or he finds the tool. After about 10 times of this it is getting really hard! Because he has convinced my mom every time he says I have stolen one of his tools. He only blames me. For doing this. I have a niece that does the bill paying and he has acussed her of stealing &10,000. But only once. And he has continued to let her pay the bills. I asked him why he, repeatedly accuse me repeatedly and does not do or say a thing about her taking the $10,000? He has nothing to say when I ask him. We had always had a good relationship of past. I have caught him hiding things out in the shed where his tool are. When I caught him he said, I did not hide anything! I uncovered it and said what is this? He acts like he is trying to set me up. It’s like he just wants to have chaos going on every once in awhile. What might be our problem or what might we do to help him.
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So you now have 2 people whose brains are broken and will never get any better only worse, so it's now time to educate yourself about the disease of dementia, so you're better prepared for the future. I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day as a great place to start, and Teepa Snow(a dementia expert) has not only great videos on YouTube, but also some books she's written.
Make sure that both parents have their POA's in order before it's too late, and their living wills, and MOST forms.
Your stepfather is not out to get you, his brain is broken and he can't help what he's doing. You're going to have to step up and be the adult/parent now, and get used to living in their world as they can no longer live in yours. You have to be able to meet them where they're at, and remember that "logic doesn't live here anymore."(that's a saying we use a lot in my caregivers support group) There's a great book about dementia called Meet Me Where I'm At, that you may want to read as well.
You've got your hands full now with 2 parents with dementia, so I hope that you're getting "your ducks in a row" for their future care, and your sanity and self-care.
However, a person with a broken brain will still be accusing you even when you are not there. It is not your fault. The Step Dad is ill.
In my experience, observing this happening to so many innocent persons:
1) The ill person seems to 'pick" one or two to accuse. It is a delusion maybe.
2) Keeping away from the accuser may be the only solution, at least to save your own reputation.
If both parents are placed together now, there may be several years of comfort left to spend together. Unfortunately, the adult children try to separate the couple, a fight ensues, family members choose sides, and it all blows up ending in a fight over inheritance.
Paranoia can be medicated.
Try not to force your Mom to side with your interests. Keep them together.
How sad and disturbing to be falsely accused, especially when you cannot fix it even by finding the lost object or clearing yourself with the facts.
My husband's mother has been accusing her neighbors for over ten years now.
Helpers come, and are accused. The money is later found in the freezer.
Have both parents assessed for needs, see if they can stay together, and medicated if necessary.
Your mother convincing herself that he's right likely means she has some kind of dementia too.
Him acting like he's the one setting you up when the tool is found, is most likely some showtiming.
Why is the niece doing the bill paying and not you? You are the son. I think you should have a talk with your niece and discuss POA with her.
What will probably have to happen is things will have to get a lot worse before anyone can act on behalf of your mentally incompetent stepfather and your mother. The niece should stop paying the bills. You should let them do whatever they want. Make sure to inform APS and ask the police to do wellness checks on them. If you live with them, make it your top priority in life to move yourself out. Otherwise your life will become hell on earth.
When they've made a big enough mess with their finances, selves, and home that is when the state will place them.
My mother who had Alzheimer's did the same exact thing. Accusing me, my niece of stealing her money, her purse, her wallet, her this and that, etc. That stage lasted about 6 months to a year, but it was a terribly stressful time. I remember having to look for things she claimed were stolen and found them under the pillow, under the bed, under the mattress, inside her clothes in the drawers, at the bottom of the laundry basket, etc. It was crazy. My blood pressure was through the roof.
Does your FIL have a formal diagnosis of any brain/thinking impairment? Alzheimer's Disease? Or any other 'label' of dementia?
Any other strange memory or thinking problems showing up?
Losing things is very common when short term memory starts to fade. Add some paranoia & blaming others happens. Sort of the brain's way of making sense of things. Really wild stories can happen too. *Confabulation* which can be sort of listened to but ignored. Hard when it is targeted at yourself though! Probably because you were more likely to use the tools than say your wife?
One tactic is to blame somthing/someone else.
One lady I met had about 10 purses. Her son bought them all in thrift stores. As each one was 'stolen' (actually misplaced, stuffed in drawers, under the mattress, in the bathroom etc) the son would find another one to replace it. Or he sometimes said the Police had caught the thief now, not to worry.