Hi All,
Last week I was assigned guardianship and conservatorship for my mom who has moderate to severe dementia. A room at a beautiful and lively AL facility is available on 10/5. She has visited there with me twice, and has said she likes the community. Unfortunately, as soon as 24 hours has passed since the visit, she is adamant that she will not move, threatening to disown me and behave like "an *sshole" to staff if I move her there. The move is happening no matter what, but I need a strategy to make it happen. To ensure the best and most comfortable transition, I would like to have her apartment set up with her furnishings, dishes etc. for her arrival. How on earth do I do this to cause the least amount of agony for her and for me? I am solo on this endeavor as we have no family in the area. Frankly, I am concerned about physically getting her out of the house when the day arrives. To complicate things my drug addicted brother is actively working against me on this because he knows it's the end of the gravy train. I realize I probably just have to suck up whatever abuse she wants to send my way, but I would appreciate any advice from those who have already walked this path. Thanks in advance.
I come home 2 days ago with 2 pots going on the stove top, her in her recliner...Yesterday, my sister talking to her on the phone, reiterating to her SHE CANT COOK WHILE HOME ALONE. Mom told my sister, that Dr don't realize she's not as bad as they trying to say. And she was in the kitchen the whole time while the pots were cooking.....I said to her, Mom I come home, and you were in your recliner while the pots were cooking. My sister heard what I said, and ask Mom....do we need to get a sitter? Mom said.."No, No, No, I won't cook again while home alone."
I text my sister,.." I've heard this a few times before".....😪
I just had to VENT.....,
Story: In 1952 my mother left my appalling father, with me aged 5 and sisters aged 2 and 8. Years later she told me how she organised it in advance. She put stickers on the back of all furniture that was to go (eg the children’s beds), and sorted the drawer storage to separate his and hers. If he would have picked that things were in a different place, she put his at one end of the drawer and hers at the other end. She bought replacements for things that couldn’t easily ‘disappear’ and had them ready in the new place. She had some empty boxes out of sight at the back of a shed. When he had left for work, she did a whirlwind sort, ready for the moving van coming at lunch time. It went smoothly. I can actually remember sitting in the back of the moving van, with the bottom flap up so we couldn’t fall out and the top flap up so we could breathe, and looking at the road disappearing behind us – clearly pre OHS! About 10 years later, my future BIL went to work at the same place, and when talking about his girlfriend he was greeted with ‘Not George XXX’s daughter?!” (unusual surname). Appalling father was long gone, but his memory stayed green with people who he had told the next day that his wife had left him and ‘The worst thing is, she took the marmalade”.
You still have a few days to organise things, and some of this might spark some ideas for you. Stop worrying, and get practical! Yours, Margaret
As for moving Mom, you and your mother can do an overnight trip somewhere nice and close to home while this is set up. Can she stay with you after a nice dinner out and a movie? Then when you take her home the next day it is to her new apartment. If she has dementia and is confused, just remind her that she was there before and liked it and agreed to move in. If she is resistant, tell her that her home had a lot of things that needed to be repaired and it would be too stressful to be there with workers coming in and out anyway. Tell her if she is really uncomfortable there she can always move somewhere else, but she has to be here for X amount of time. If she keeps insisting that she wants to move out, tell her OK but she has to find a place that will take her. She won't be able to do that, but you don't have to say no to her and it will self resolve over time.
I asked him could I find him a temporary place to go, just to get off a knee that hurts and no longer supports him; and to become established on a heart-healthier diet after multiple trips to the hospital to have escess fluid drained off. I put it to him that I thought he would benefit from a month of care in a "place." He readily agreed. I was surprised, but I jumped right into finding that "place."
He did change his mind less than 24 hours later, but I told him I had already started the process with his "medical team." I called his doctor and shared things that he neglected to tell any of them when he was in the office, and they were very helpful. I was confident enough to explain to Daddy that his "medical team" had decided the best course for him was to go for a few days to an excellent rehab facility in town. Because I put it to him that way, and I never allowed him to believe it was anything but his "team" making the best decisions for him, he was fine with it all the way to the facility. He even made a little bit of progress, though he planed out after only a few days there. He requested an extension twice and wound up staying for 16 days.
While he was there, I began the process of figuring out how to keep him from returning home. There were multiple emails and texts and conversations from A Place for Mom and case workers at the rehab hospital, but his medical team did ultimately decide he needed a 30-day respite stay in an assisted living after his discharge, so the decision was made by his "team," and not by me. I just plunged ahead and found the place, and set it all up. He began to tell his therapists all about it and how his doctors thought it would be good for him.
He was very hesitant on move-in day, but my family and I had taken care of the move for him so that was all set up with his things when I took him there to stay.
In his heart he knows he can't go home. He can't walk anymore and must have the wheelchair. His home is not accessible, and he can't feed himself. That hasn't stopped him from complaining bitterly and from holing up in his room like a hermit the first three weeks he was there. He would call me the first few days when he should have called a nurse on the premises. He still calls as many as six times a day with random questions about whether or not I've had lunch and what did I have. But he's finally ventured out and has discovered the miracle of dominoes! And Bingo! He is even allowing us to discuss what to do with his house.
I think all this is meant to encourage anyone else with a resistant loved one. If my daddy has left a home of over 60 years, 100 acres of land he has worked for all his life, etc, I have confidence others will also find a way to get a loved one into the care he or she needs. It took a lot of prayer and patience. And I felt like I was deceiving him most every step of the way, but I did it because I love him and want him to be safe and happy. Hang in there!
Some of you asked for a follow up on my situation, so here it goes. Warning, this will largely be a venting post. I officially moved my mom yesterday. Unfortunately I was never able to get her on-board with the move, so I had to trick her into going. I took her out to lunch and then took her to the AL. I was able to get some furniture out of her house without her noticing. I ordered a brand new bed and stocked the kitchenette and bathroom with treats etc. I did my best to make it as cozy as possible, but it still looked a bit stark with the limited furniture and nothing on the walls. I was hoping against hope that she would see the beginnings of what could be really nice and I could go collect the items from home she wanted. No luck.
She started shrieking the minute we got in the room. She screamed how much she hated me, called me an asshole multiple times, shoved me with her walker, started screaming "help" over and over and then just resorted to plain old screaming at the top of her lungs. I was really concerned at first because a staff member told me they couldn't keep her there against her will, but after a conversation with an attorney I was told my guardianship was enough to keep her there. I finally left the room and the staff took over and managed to get her calmed down. I basically sat in the hall for 3 hours balling. The staff were extremely gentle and compassionate with both my mom and I, and I am so grateful for that. I know it's my mom's dementia and fear that are causing her to behave this way, but it's so hard to be constantly pummeled with it.
My mom and I have always been tremendously close, but I have now had to assume the role of enemy number one. I know it's what needs to be done, and I know I am making the right choices. I have the support of her siblings and others who care about her, but I'm not sure I've ever done something so hard in my life. My heart hurts horribly and I'm so worried she will never settle in. Currently she is calling my phone every 5 minutes begging to come home. I am not answering the phone because I know it won't be productive for either of us. I have been checking in with the nursing staff for updates. They are not reporting any change in her mood, and she is going on hunger strike, which is not good since she is diabetic.
How have you all coped with this situation? I can best describe my current state as "on the verge of tears at all times." I am grateful to be at work today surrounded by people and distractions, but I am so scared there is no light at the end of this tunnel.
I moved her straight to assited living from the hospital after a bad fall. My fib was THIS IS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER. But she figured that out in a few days and cried, threatened to get a lawyer and then I got the silent treatment for weeks.
It all made me feel like crap but this is a heart and head thing. Rational thought has to overcome the guilt.
I had bamboozeled dad into the place with her a few days later. He was swinging at aides and demanding his car keys but his dementia was such that he could be diverted pretty easily.
Block her calls, maybe even keep the phone from her. Pull back, no visits, just watch from afar. I would go and spy on my folks in the dining room just having a high time with their new friends.
My mom died 4 months later. She lightened up on me a little but never forgave me for putting her in that HORRIBLE PLACE. It’s been over a year now since she died. I’m better. Even having nice memories of mom from way back.
Youll make it through this.