It is incredibly frustrating when family members pressure you into being more involved in the care of a parent. When they do not really understand your circumstances.
To sum up how my childhood was and young adulthood I remember when I was 13 and went to a counsellor for troubled kids. The counsellor asked us to do an exercise where we draw three circles around a dot - the dot being you. And she asked us to put little crosses inside the circles representing people in your life with whom you have a close relationship and have support from. The closest being inside the first circle. I remember being incredibly humiliated and distressed when I couldnt put any inside the first circle. And very few in the others. While the other kids put heaps in.
The pressure is mostly from extended relatives. They do not understand my circumstances in detail and having come from an abusive childhood and with family who have never been a source of support in my life. I sought out and obtained financial and emotional support from sugar daddies from the age of 14 onwards in order to cope.
I know that I am slightly f**cked up and have psychological issues as a result of my childhood and lack of support as a young adult. I have achieved a mild degree of financial and professional success despite this, although my economic position in life will definitely have been impacted by all of this. More its just down to my own independence and resilience. But, I know still have a lot of issues haunting me from my messed up family life. Impacting my relationships with others and lack of capability to trust others. For that, I am not grateful. Not at all. So, I dont desire a huge deal for caring for a failed parent who has advanced alzheimers and has next to no cognizance of what is going on now. I do care some. but not as much as others seem to expect. Which really ticks me off.
My current strategy tends to be mostly to cut people off and not deal with them. Not sure if there are any other ways. Maybe this is the best. The extended relatives have never been any source of support in my life anyways, so I dont know why I should care much about what they think.
When she was in rehab back in 2019, these two cousins were FACEBOOK messaging me asking me what I was doing to ensure my mother's full recuperation from pneumonia? Really? How 'bout the two of you idiots go back to playing your Facebook games and stop messaging me b/c I have enough on my hands already to choke a horse, as the only child of a very difficult and sickly/demented mother.
You don't owe anyone any explanation about anything. As I don't.
When my mother tells me that one of these nieces wants her to move in with her in New York, I tell her FINE! Go right ahead & tell her to come pick you up from the Memory Care any time! I'm on board with the move, GO FOR IT. Tell her to make sure & bring a LARGE SUV for the wheelchair, the oxygen, the adjustable bed, the 400 Depends, the toilet riser, and the 4000 other medical appliances she'll need to load the vehicle up with. Oh, and she'll also need to move to a ranch and get rid of her 4 level home that she currently lives in b/c it's not conducive to life in a wheelchair! Just sayin'.
Talk is cheap. When it comes time for these armchair critics to put their money where their mouth is, they'll run for the hills & we'll never hear from them again. That's the ONE thing we CAN count on.
As you can tell, this subject aggravates the snot out of me.
You need to form boundaries against meddling people be they friends or relatives, and find good friends, nurture those relationships. You need to learn to say this gently and clearly: "This is something I don't wish to discuss with you today, tomorrow, or ever. If you continue to insist on discussing it with me I will be forced to eliminate you from my life completely." Full stop.
It is your choice. You can continue to be the matt they wipe their feet upon, you can accept their judgement. You can argue or explain. Or you can make a good, decent and happy life for yourself.
I see no reason for genes to dictate how much I care for any other person on earth. That it happened to come in some sort of lottery that I had perhaps two of the best parents ever, and a brother who was the same? I call that great good luck, and I was forever grateful, and did all I could to return their love. Had it been otherwise I would have done nothing. Multiplied by Zero.
Continue in therapy or counseling until you can feel better about your OWN life. THEY are not the story here. YOU are.
Are you seeing a therapist to help you sort out these incredibly hurtful childhood issues?
Sometimes I put the pressure on myself because I can be too sensitive - others may let comments roll off them better than I can. I am trying to get better at this.
Eg a relative of mine made a comment recently that family should help each other. Specifically, family should help a member struggling with health issies. Was this a thinly veiled judgement that *I* should help more? Or just an innocent comment?
When I delved into WHO exactly that 'family' would be or WHAT they should do & WHEN... well. It was the closest family (me) the female (me) the one who knew how to do it (me again). So basically you want the 'family' to help more but it appears you really want to do NOTHING & for ME to do EVERYTHING.
So I spelled it out that time. Explained how thoughtless their comments were.
Seriously, why did I bother? I won't next time. There will be no memory of that in the future. Just more of the 'oh she is struggling, she needs more help, family should each other' comments.
If these do-gooders continue with these comments, I will lower contact with them.
Any specific requests will be deflected back to them. "That's great you are interested in XXX's care. If you want to get more involved, go ahead".
Is your parent still living in his home or in a facility? If in a facility he is getting care. If in his home and he needs help, the state can take over his care. APS is just a phone call away. If you have explained why you can't help, then you are just going to have to block these people and go on with your life. Please no guilt, you do what you need to do for your sanity.
I’ve had to cut off ties completely. Being blood relations doesn’t entitle you lifetime access. I’m happier with that. If they’re not, who cares? They’re never happy anyway!
Good luck and I hope you find lots of loving and wonderful friends!