Six months ago Mom was diagnosed with early-to-mid-stage Alzheimer's dementia. Before the official diagnosis, her decline in cognition had been apparent to her family for at least 6-7 years. To conceal her memory loss, Mom isolated herself from friends over the years and amazingly still manages to fool them into thinking she is "alright." I should mention that even before the diagnosis Mom has always been negative, self-absorbed, grandiose, blaming everyone but herself for her self-inflicted woes. Mom takes no responsibility for her emotions. It's always someone else (myself, my sister, or my father, etc) answerable for her misery and dissatisfaction, and the dementia only worsens her negativity. When my father passed away last year, my sister and I (against our better instincts) offered to have Mom move in with one or the other of us, which she refused. So, upon her MD's recommendation, my sister and I placed Mom in memory care. After 6 months, Mom has yet to settle in. She insists she doesn't belong there and scorns the scheduled activities. My sister and I call Mom regularly and take her out (often multiple times a week) for lunch dates, shopping excursions, church; anything we think she might enjoy, not to mention getting her to her doctor and dental appointments. In the meantime, as her POA I manage Mom's property, bills, and finances, making sure her needs (and many of her wants) are met. Mom is seldom thankful for any of our efforts. She complains about my sister and I to anyone who will listen, saying we "take advantage of her," "have no compassion," etc. I think she's looking for sympathy and strangely enough, often gets it from people who don't know any better. Here's my take on all of this: Mom's dementia is exacerbated by her narcissism. I have ceased trying to attribute her conduct to one or the other or both. What difference does it make, anyway? My sister and I still have to deal with the character assassination, the utter lack of gratitude, and constant complaints and demands. Thank God Mom didn't move in with us. In light of years of emotional abuse at her hand, I'm amazed I ever made the offer to begin with. So today, here's my question to any and all who have dealt with similar situation: Mom constantly demands to be removed from her current memory care to assisted living. My sister and I have explored other options but none (other than memory care) meet Mom's genuine needs for supervision and safety. How do we best respond to Mom's demands? Reasoning is useless; her lack of cognition prevents understanding, and at this point in her cognition, she's impossible to redirect. Mom seldom remembers much from day to day about our conversations on this topic; at most, all she remembers is her own feelings of outrage at our "failure" to cave in to her demands. I am exhausted with all of it. Please help!
They can't reason anymore. You have Mom in a good place. If she chooses to not participate that is her problem. I think u go over and above.
My SO is an 85-year-old aging narcissist. He acts in ways similar to your mother.
I suggest finding more about narcissists (unfortuately no one has written a book about aging narcissists). I left for the following reasons:
1. I never could please him, no matter what I did.
2. He made me feel bad about myself.
3. He would only compliment me on my cooking, even though I own a dementia care business and recently saved him $30K by showing him that his low-interest mortgage had exorbitant fees, which he did not recognize.
I suggest that you sign up for Quora.com, an online resource that focuses on personality issues. You will find a ton of info. on narcissists.
I found this book helpful to better understand narcissistic behavior,"The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection, Coping with Narcissists." by Rokelle Lerner. Published by Health Communications, Inc. www.hicibooks.com. I purchased mine on Amazon.
If it is within your means, I suggest that you consider discussing your mom with a qualified therapist. If you look for one, I suggest you ask them about their experience in treating persons who have/had a narcissist in their life. If the therapist does not have such experience, keep looking for one who does.
Also, beware that some people will suggest that you should be understanding because your mother is now old. This is a fallacy and a trap that will prevent you from understanding her behavior.
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you and your family can distance yourself from your mother's behavior--remember there is no pleasing her, no matter what you do.
No amount of reassurance, outings or phone calls helped mom's anxiety. Meds did.
Have you checked with the Memory Care unit to see what their schedule is. Do they have activities that are at her level and that engages her. Does she have a problem with a roommate or other resident who is bothering her? Is he in pain? Pain can cause people to act in odd ways.
I'd also talk to her doctor about her mood. Is she anxious, depressed, agitated, etc? Medication provided my LO, who is in MC, with a lot of contentment. She once was very worried, upset, but, the daily medication brought her relief. Perhaps, a Geriatric psychiatrist can evaluate her and help.
After exhausting all remedies, you may still have a person who is not content. And that may be her attitude until she progresses to another level. That's not uncommon. I hope you can take a break, recharge your batteries and/or find a remedy that works.
Also, my theory is to say whatever works. If nothing you say works with her, then, I might just say nothing. Just start talking about something else completely. There are some videos on You Tube by Teepa Snow about managing challenging behavior in people who have dementia. I find those helpful.