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My father who is 75 has been living with me for the past 4-5 years as he got extremely ill and could not live on his own. I just bought a house over a year ago to get us out of our apartment that was easier for him to get around in. He is better now but can be manipulative to me and others. I was lucky enough to get him an aid that can be here a few hours a day but I am getting burned out with him living with me and all the appointments he needs.
He has COPD, macular degeneration, diabetes, parkinsons disease and heart disease. He is also a veteran so we have been lucky to get what he needs through the VA. I have done so much for him despite his lack of care for me as a child after my mom passed away when I was 10. I work full time and my shifts are 12 hours each. My boyfriend also just left me as he can no longer stand my father and how he has treated me in the past.
I am tired of the stressful situations, either here at home or when I am work and I am not getting any breaks. I am 32 and watching everyone around me live their lives and be happy, which is something i have not been able to have. At what point did you say enough was enough and have the talk about AL or NH with your loved one?

It’s okay to admit to your dad what you’re admitting here, that his needs are too great for you to continue in the home. He’s blessed to be able to use a VA nursing home. There are two not far from me in our state, both with positive reputations for good care. A friend has her husband with Parkinson’s living in one after his care became too much in their home, they have both been pleased. The talk, as you say, needs to be very clear, without accusations or the hurts of the past, but firm that you cannot continue as is, no apology. You’ve done your best, and that’s all any of us can do
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Rober136 Dec 2, 2024
The nearest VA facility is about an hour from here. I'm in the process od talking with a nurse to do an assessment to see if he qualifies for a nursing home which the VA will pay for, or assisted living which they do not cover.
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You are well past that point I would say.
Things will only get worse when there is a need to have 24/7 care.
It is time to say that you no longer wish to live with him, but would like to live alone now.

I do not know what sort of agreement you had, but if you had no agreement in document through attorney for shared living expenses that was also a huge mistake. You have taken him in and you have made your home his home. It will not be easy to dislodge him and you may come down to an eviction.

Very sorry. I think a bad decision, and with consequences for you, but you can manage to change things. I think if you had a relationship that failed because of this, and that was ALL that was wrong with the relationship it was a tragic mistake. You chose your father over the man you loved, if that was the case. Hopefully there was more involved.

You have my sympathy. I wish you good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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NOW is the point at which you have the talk and TELL him, tactfully and with care, but FIRMLY, that you can no longer meet his medical needs and he needs to move to a place that can. It is unreasonable for any parent to expect a child to give up their entire life for caregiving, which you are doing, to the point that it cost you a relationship and is burning you out into not having energy for your job. Did you buy the house on your own, or is your father also on the mortgage and/or deed?
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Reply to MG8522
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Rober136 Dec 2, 2024
I used some funds for the down-payment but everything else i am paying for. He does want to help out with things but does them on impulse. He bought a brand new fridge because I said the old was was on the way out. It's too big and I can barely get the freezer door open. He then told me if I wanted a different one to contact lowes to get it switched
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You ask at what point should you say enough is enough and talk to your father about moving into and assisted living facility, and the answer for you is TONIGHT.
The VA has some really nice facilities that your father can move into and be around other veterans just like him, and you can get back to the one and only life you have.
You are WAY too young to be strapped with your fathers care and he needs to understand that.
No decent father would allow their child to take on their care, and disrupt their lives when there are better options out there for him.
So...I wish you well with telling your father that he has to go elsewhere and in taking your life back.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Rober, as I was reading your post, I was dreading getting to the end because I thought you were going to say , please don't suggest a facility.

I am so glad you said it first before we all had to convince you. NOW, is the best time.

Also, I think you would greatly benefit from some counseling, your have been though the ringer!

Your so young, take your life back!
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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There is never a perfect time to raise the topic, might as well do it sooner rather than later. If there are supportive family who can participate in the discussion, get them in too
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Reply to strugglinson
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Do it right now. Ask the VA about places where dad can live. When you find a place, whether VA or other, inform dad that he’s going there to live. Don’t ask, TELL.
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