Both of my parents have been told by their doctors that they should not be driving. Dad continues to drive although I think he is beginning to realize that he needs to stop, he continues because my mother insists that he needs to keep driving. My mother argued with the doctor who did the MRI on her and gave her a dementia diagnosis that she CAN drive and she is FINE. The doctor ended up so frustrated with her that he stormed out of the room.
My dad has to navigate stairs to get in and out of the house. She refuses to put in a ramp for him to use with his walker and she refuses to pay a caregiver to come in a few days a week to drive them to appts and grocery store, etc. she wants neighbors to do all these things for them so she doesn’t have to pay for anything. My father has been her slave through whole marriage and never goes against her. She throws fits and screams at him. This is her way for as far back as I can remember. I live about 5 hours away and cannot go there every weekend. I have offered to have them live in an apartment attached to my house. She said she would rather die than live with me and has accused me of stealing from her. My only sibling, my brother died from COVID last year so it’s just me and she has always been threatened by me because I’m close to my dad, well, as close as I can be because she does not like me around him. It’s like she jealous that he might show me some affection that is due to her.
My dad is currently sharp mentally and he handles the finances. She cannot write checks or pay bills but she is able use her credit card. Everything they own is jointly. She will not allow me to be on any of their bank accounts. So if anything happens to my dad I have no idea how I will pay their bills or take care of her. He is becoming increasingly depressed. Sorry for the long post but I need help with:
1. How can I ensure their safety while living at home, if she refuses to let me put a ramp in for my dad?
2. Should I call social services in to do a home inspection?
3. Should I take their keys away? Or contact the DMV and have their driving privileges suspeneded?
4. My dad is becoming more and more fragile physically and depressed mentally. If he takes a fall or can’t take care of their bills how do I take over their paying their bills? He wants me over their estate, which is very small but she will not allow me on anything.
I have no idea how to help them????
You need to behave according to your own standards, ability, tolerance and wishes. But don’t force yourself beyond that because you feel Obliged to be ‘Compassionate’. It makes you feel worse, and it doesn’t help resolve anything.
If you're anything like me, you need to have plans, checklists, etc all made and ready to act upon so you can sleep at night, thus I recommend you get all your ducks in a row now in a mega action plan with phone numbers, email addresses etc so when something happens, you are ready to act instantly without needing to take time to research anything.
To put it another way, get yourself absolutely set and in position at the starting gate, so the second the starting pistol fires, you're ready to GO!
Firstly, go yourself, on your own, on a fact-finding mission to an elder lawyer, tell him/her exactly what you've told us, and ask for recommendations of what must be put in place so you can help (at least) your ailing father. The lawyer will certainly recommend things like the signing by your dad of a HIPAA form allowing you to be given his health information freely (the HIPAA form need not be notarized, nor witnessed, so this is an easy thing to have your dad fill out. It's essential when your father has future health crises that your mother cannot handle - you need to have the HIPAA paper to prove you are entitled to his health info).
I'm just going to throw out some some ideas here:
1. It sounds like you'll have to be sneaky to beat your dementia-mentally-ill mother at this game she's forcing you all to play. Does your mother ever go to the doctor? If so, it sounds like your father accompanies her since they're joined at the hip. And if that's the case, have "Power of Authority" and whatever else paperwork the attorney recommends ready to be signed and witnessed (while your mother is in the back doctor's examination room) by you and your dad. You could meet dad in the waiting room while she's in the back office. Hire a Notary to come with you (some make housecalls, so they should be able to visit a doctor's office just as well - or better yet, perhaps the doctor has a Notary on staff with whom you could arrange in advance - my mother's doctor had a nurse who was also a notary, it made things so easy for us).
2. There are so many ways you can try to sidestep your mother's interference. For example, many banks now only provide emailed electronic monthly statements, and you have to actually pay a fee to get a printed monthly statement mailed to you (at least this holds true where I live). Could you and your dad arrange to have you added to the account(s) at the same time the statements become on-line only? You could exclaim to your mother that you and dad need to go to the bank regarding printed vs on-line statements ...that's not a lie, just arrange in person to add you to the account, and default it to on-line rather than paper-copy-by-mail going forward.
3. Then set up on-line banking, and know the password so you can keep an eye on their finances. You should probably set up two factor authentication, using your own phone or email as the secondary authentication, so your mother can't go on-line and change the password and block both your dad and you from all banking details.
4. Could you get your father to insist upon installation of a semi-permanent ramp, and assure your mother that when the ramp is no longer needed it abe dismantled, and that it won't destroy the house's entry in any way? This is true, there are plenty of semi-permanent ramps to choose from.
5. If your dad really wants to live with you, and your mother is opposed, make some decisions now. When mom is rushed to hospital with the inevitable big problem making it impossible for her to return home, have a list of possible facilities where you want to place her: if its near your own home, or near where she currently lives, etc...
6. See next post
6. How will you get dad moved to where you live? You can compile a list right now of who to call...for example, will he require transport for a wheelchair, or is he nimble enough to simple get into your own car? Who will pack and move his necessities? Etc... You'll feel better if you have an idea of what you'll need to do in future.
7. If your dear father should die first, or be forced due to his ill health to go into a facility, your mother is going to be a problem you are still going to have to deal with. Ask the elder law attorney for some tools or ideas to handle that unpleasant possibility. Has she been diagnosed with dementia? If you can prove her dementia and her unwarrented acrimony, would you even want guardianship? Or would you be relieved to have the state take over? What steps can be recommended to help you prepare?
There is alot you can think of step-by-step right now so you feel better about options for the unknowable future.
Good luck. I'm so sorry you are facing this, but you're better off than so many, because you can think strategically now, so that you can act logically rather than frantically later.
I send you strength to face all this.
You may have to get guardianship from the court.
Definitely get APS to investigate.
Geriatric Psychiatrist is needed to evaluate the mental and physical issues going on.
Lessons on how to use Uber and Lyft - most of us have never used these services. Perhaps an assisted living placement would offer a van service.
Unless Dad decides to take the wheel (by force, trickery or is forced to eg if Mom was to be hospitalised) I cannot imagine this will change. Yet. Until something forces change.
If you cannot prevent the 'crash', I suppose be ready. Have the emergency numbers ready to call & have a rough plan sketched out.
- If either is in imminent danger, call EMS.
- If serious neglect/self-neglect is suspected, report to APS.
- Consider calling/writing to their local Doctor to raise your concerns. This may not lead anywhere, but you never know..
- Encourage Dad to speak to his Doctor alone. That this is OK & a way to help them both.
The stress of caring for Mom is not helping your Dad. Its going to get to the point he can't care for her and she will need placement. This is where APS can help him get her placed. Then he needs to see an elder lawyer to have their assets split. Her split going to her care and when gone, apply for Medicaid. He remains in the home. If he choses to sell, it needs to be at Market Value. Splitting the proceeds with Mom that goes towards her care.
I would look into some meds for Mom.
As to meds, she has been prescribed meds but refuses to take them. People with NPD are terrified of losing control. But as one other poster mentioned I’m trying to stop seeing my dad as a victim. He chose this plan. Just going to do what I can to help. And stop trying to rescue him. I have tried that all my life. It never works. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
That would be the first step.
When there's an undeniable disaster you can make the best choices available for both of them, but I wish you as much peace as you can have between now and then.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad you are on a path of healing. I have always known my mother is not capable of loving me in the same way I love my children. I am trying to be compassionate because I know she has a personality disorder and dementia but it is very challenging!
Sounds like the way my mother was. If she didn't like what a doctor said, then they were stupid!
"I have offered to have them live in an apartment attached to my house. She said she would rather die than live with me and has accused me of stealing from her."
NO. Do not do this. My mother gave a little laugh at one point and said that she could never live with me. It never came up again, although at one point the brother who did the least/visited the least told me that he thought she really DID expect me to either move in with her (most likely) or live in my house. She also thought I was trying to steal from her.