Suggestions on dealing with an uncooperative sibling?

Your sister is doing all the work and handling all of the responsibilities. It is very very stressful for her, and she likely resents at least a little bit that she's doing all the work while others in her family are blissfully unaware of what she goes through every day. You need to be mindful and respectful of that. Just another perspective for you, maybe it will help.

My YB has POA for my mom and he acts the same way. Never tells the rest of us anything, never shares info about her health or finances--crickets.

Personally, I don't CARE if he shares or not. He's very angry all the time and no one knows why. He CHOSE to move mom in with him 25 years ago--even when the 'family vote' was 5 against and 1 for the move.

Now he is exhausted and angry and very uncommunicative. If I want to know something I have to go to his house and corral him. It's ridiculous, really.

You may need to make a trip to mom's and check out the situation yourself. Also a quick 1/2 hr visit with her attorney wouldn't go amiss.

Maybe sis feels you are taking advantage of her--or she feels burned out and that no one cares. Until you talk to her, you won't know.

Thanks for your answers, both of you. I will say that I have offered to handle the finances, and she would have access to every statement and transaction at any time. I have also acknowledged that I know this has fallen on her and I have offered to come for a week or two so she can go home, but just get anger back about both topics. She will not talk to me and said she will only text or email.

I know it is stressful and I appreciate her being there, but never thought it would become antagonistic. It would seem as though I would have some rights to be involved, but I don't want to go through an ugly legal war. Just not sure what I can do at this point.

Have you asked her what she thinks you could do to help? Telling someone you will take over the financials is basically telling them you don't trust how they are handling it. It may not be what you meant but that is how they heard it.

She most likely has to live there, so yes she should get access to everything. My suggestion is to go there and see what is really going on. Spend a week there to see the real picture, not just 2-3 days. Then maybe the two of you can figure out a plan. If she is still hostile after this attempt at least you can say you tried.

Not having kids doesn't mean your sister has 'all the time & energy in the world' to devote to an aged mother with dementia & more issues than Newsweek, who's now in and out of rehabs, hospitals, is falling and likely driving your sister straight up the wall while you're living out of state, free & clear of all this! And then you say, "I have no idea why she's so angry, but she's an odd person." She's ODD to boot! You then go on to ask about financial matters, accessing financial records, your mother naming your sister (who's doing ALL THE HANDS ON WORK) as executor of the will, and complaining that she's not discussing finances with you. I can't imagine why, can you?

Being that your sister is in the trenches 24/7 and you're after her about the finances, if I were in her shoes, I'd be going all quiet on you too, sorry to say.

Dementia alone is a living nightmare to deal with, I can tell you, after having dealt with it for years with my mother. Rehabs, hospitals, falls and the like are also a mind bending experience akin to hell on earth to deal with, as I can also attest to after having dealt with all of it for many years with 2 elderly parents. In addition to trying to balancing 3 checkbooks, moves from IL to AL to MC a total of 5x, becoming Federal Fiduciary for their VA accounts, also being accountable to the VA for those funds they doled out and being interviewed constantly BY the VA, taking them back & forth to appointments, specialists, doctors, ENTs, dealing with nurses, Medicare for durable medical equipment, hospices, Executive Directors at ALFs, and on and on and ON the list goes, endlessly, and exhaustively. It's mind boggling how much work is involved for the POA of an elder, and here you are asking after the financial information your sister is dealing with and worrying if your mother changed the will to make your poor sister beneficiary of more than you'll be getting.

If I were your sister, I'd be seriously irritated and taking no calls or communications from you at all. Zero.

Venting now….YOU don’t really care about your mom. You care about your inheritance. While you are not able (or unwilling) to care for your mother, you are scrutinizing your sibling’s actions? You should be thanking her for taking great care of your mom! What is the alternative if sibling chose not to be the primary caregiver of your mother in this situation? How much would care cost from an outside agency or AL? You seem like somewhat of a control freak and should stay in your own lane. I would ignore your calls too.

I apologize to other posters here. I’m great full for this great site.
This post just hits too close to home for me.

If Medical POAs were made up why not a Financial one at the time?
If your sister was able to take over accts, she has some kind of authority. As a POA she is not obligated to give you any financial info. Actually she shouldn't because she is Moms representative.

If you share the duties of Medical POA, send a copy to the home and tell them they must give you info when you call.

She is probably angry because the responsibility all falls on her. Maybe she doesn't want to be POA but its too late for Mom to assign someone.

I don't think you are trying to save ur inheritance. But I think there is more going on here and until your sister decides to tell you what, I would back away.

How is she uncooperative? As far as I can see, she’s juggling a few things as well as POA and caring for your mother. Maybe she has cut off communication with you because you’re only out for yourself. Which I’m afraid is the case with a lot of posters in this forum who are the sole givers and have selfish entitled siblings like you. You get a free pass, live your life. .and yet you still complain. Going no contact with siblings like you is very tempting. I wish I had that luxury.

dear OP,

i don’t know the facts, so i don’t want to jump to conclusions.

only you know the full story. only you know if (1) you’re helping your mother as much as your sister is; or (2) you sister’s helping much more, and therefore she’s very angry with you because it’s unfair; or (3) you’re both helping, but your sister’s always been a mean person, as well as someone who’s trying to take all the money (by putting her name on the accounts, etc.); or (4) your sister helps so much and deserves to have much more money than you, and therefore your mother very much wanted your sister to be joint-account holder, in gratitude for all her help.

in case of (2) (your sister’s normally nice to you, but now very angry with you), then:

she’s on purpose making it hard for you to get medical updates. she knows doctors will normally only speak to 1 POA; doctors don’t want to waste their time calling several family members.

she wants you to suffer. she wants you to know about the emergency so you worry - but not more information so you can relax. she wants you to have a little information, so you continue to worry.

An update to this:

I went to visit this past week to try to communicate and hopefully mend some fences. She opened the door and walked away, and was openly hostile and would not talk. I walked through the house and it was disgusting - food all over the floors, moldy dishes, trash in the hallways, filth everywhere. The shades were all pulled down, with a true-murder show on. This seems to be a constant stream on the TV from all of my prior visits as well.

At this point I'm not sure what to do. Her mental state is a concern. I would hate to get involved in a legal battle, but ignoring this and having no insight into what is going on does not seem smart. Does anyone here know if there is legal recourse to gain information?