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Oh this is so hard to write, but I have to talk to someone. My stress is through the roof.



No question, but I need support.



Dad lives in my brother's home. My brother provides incredible support and care to Dad.



Dad has been in and out of hospital multiple times this year, heart, E. Coli infection of his blood (a complication of colon cancer), other complications due to the cancer. But the doctors agreed Dad was a candidate for surgery to remove the tumour.



Now 9 days post op he has an infection, is in incredible pain and has a 50/50 chance of pulling through.



Dad is 93.



Yes, the cancer was causing no end of issues, especially with constipation and blow outs. But Dad was living relatively independently, still able to prepare simple meals, clean up his dishes etc. He needed help with house keeping, laundry etc, but he was alert, engaged and in daily contact with friends and family.



I am pi$$ed off that the surgeons decided to do an invasive surgery on a 93 year old with a significant heart condition. They consider the surgery a success as he survived it.



And yes, Dad wanted the surgery. He planned to live as long as possible.



I live a 5 hour trip away and just started a new job. I will go to my brother's place next weekend to see Dad. Hopefully he survives that long.



My kids other grandfather died last month and their Step Mum's Dad died very unexpectedly 4 days later. It feels like the Grim Reaper is hovering in the shadows waiting to take Dad too.

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Tot, ((((hugs)))) and my sympathies to you and your family enduring all these losses.

Is dad telling his team that he in pain? Or is he putting on a brave face for them? Advocate for better pain relief!

((((Hugs))))))
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Tothill Dec 2022
Thank you Barb.

My brother is at the hospital for 3-5 hours a day advocating for Dad. He is being prescribed a form of morphine for the pain.
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I think sometimes people choose surgery not only in the hope things will be better but also with the thought that dying on the operating table wouldn't be such a bad way to go, surviving and feeling worse isn't even on their mind. Hopefully this is just a brief, terrible recovery period that leads to a better quality of life for his remaining days.
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Sounds like the surgery was necessary to help give dad a better quality of life due to all the complications caused by his colon cancer. Hopefully the current complications and pain will resolve for him.
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Thank you all for your wisdom and support.

I have notified my work that Dad is very frail and have permission to leave at a moments notice if needed. Other wise I plan to travel to his city Friday evening and spend the weekend.
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I am sorry you are going through this---everything that happens during 'the holidays' seems so much more rife with emotion--at least IMHO. I am grateful mom died in late summer and we have had time to deal with our grief.

IF your dad chose this surgery, then you must accept that he had his reasons. Even at 93, and sick, people will do anything to fight back death.

If this surgery is going to give dad back some of his passion for life, then I hope it does, in fact, do that. If not, then you will come to terms with what he CHOSE to do. It's hard to maintain anger at someone who has made a decision that they had every right to make.

At any rate, whatever the outcome, I hope you have peace.

((HUGS))
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Tohill specifically asked for support, NOT advice - but it seems the mods who edit insist on tacking "any advice?" on every post 🤦
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Tothill, could it be that your Dad is experiencing after surgery brain fog?

It takes one month for every hour before one feels better again. Thus if surgery was 3 hours, it will take 3 months for the fog to lift. Let's hope that is the case and nothing more serious once the infection clears up.
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Tothill Dec 2022
His white blood count is very high and he is experiencing a great deal of pain. He expected to bounce right back from the surgery, which was an unrealistic expectation.

His last surgery was 40 years ago for his Gall Bladder and he was laid up for weeks. That was when they still did it by the big incision.

I am really worried about my brother. He is enmeshed with Dad, co-dependent and had a breakdown at the last medical crisis before the surgery.
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hugggg.
my prayers for your father. may he pull through.

huge hugs to you, your father, your family.
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tothill ((((((hugs)))) and prayers
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It was his choice. At that age there are doctor commitees that determine success. What happened to your father was an unanticiped infection. You anger is yours to own. Give this time and pay attention to his rehab to give you directions. Remember that dad may still want everything done but his family of caregivers can choose what they can or cannot do for his care
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Tothill Dec 2022
Thank you MAC.

You are wise and correct.
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