She says I've made her a prisoner in her own house; even though I go over after work three times a week after work; have arranged for someone to take her food shopping and to visit with her twice a week; I can't help feeling guilty; she calls me all hours of the day and night; she's become extremely forgetful which is part of the disease; we're currently waiting for her house to sell so that she can go into assisted living; How do I stop feeling so guilty.
Have you earned that guilt you are toting around?
Now imagine this scenario. It is tough to listen to Mom's badgering all the time, so you give in and give her the car keys back, and lecture her about being careful. She is delighted and immediately starts driving. All goes well for a few weeks. Then she is backing up in a parking lot and doesn't see the family walking to their car, directly behind her, When she feels the impact of hitting something, she immediately lurches forward and hits a lamp pole. She has injuries that keep her bed bound the rest of her life. The infant in the stoller she hit dies.
Now did you earn your guilt?
I feel your mother's pain. Being unable to drive is my husband's number one complaint about dementia. I'll bet he mourned his little special edition mahagony Miata for a year. It is very painful, but not a fraction how painful it would be to cause harm to others.
I felt very sorry for my husband. I felt very sorry for me when he badgered me. But I never felt guilty. I suggest there are enough legitimate unhappy feeling to deal with when a loved one has dementia that it makes good sense to give up the ones that you haven't earned.
Lose the guilt, please!