How do you best give care to an elderly narcissistic parent?
I identified so much with the young woman trying to care for her mother who obviously has narcissitic personality disorder. My question is how to see the parent gets proper care if the NPD abuse is going on?
My mother has NPD, and I am just moving in with her now so that she can financially afford to live at home rather than going into assisted living. She has exhausted reverse mortgages. I have multiple sclerosis, and the verbal abuse is flying. The stress makes my symptoms flare. Already less than one week in her house, and I am left drained and crying all the time. I am afraid for my dog. Despite objections, my mother feeds him old fish, hot dog buns, etc. There has already been one emergency trip to the vet and, at times, I'm afraid she will hit him. My mother has dementia and wanders, has a horrible memory, hallucinations, etc. She is 91, and I am 63 years old and am afraid of dying prematurely due to the stress and leaving my mother to fend for herself.
Should I place her in a home against her objections? I'd thought of trying to find 2 spots in assisted living, one for my mother and one for me (in a more independent program). Is this a reasonable idea?
Please, please, any suggestions would be helpful!
Thanks...Janet
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The stress on my mom was horrible and took her a long time to recover from. This brings us to another important reason to place your mom in a home. You have only been caring for her for a week and already you are experiencing the extreme stress
that comes from dealing with an elderly parent, especially one with the potential to be hurtful. Your second choice might be to get someone to come in as a caretaker during the day or part of the day to help you, but you would still carry the brunt of the load. I realize there is a guilt factor in placing your parent in a home, but it is the best and safest place for her. You're life is important too, and you aren't that old - although you probably feel it at this time. Your mom is not going to get better and you are not really able to care for her properly no matter how hard you try or want to. So again I say the safest and best place for your mom at this time is a nursing home. Don't expect her to understand. Unfortunately, there sometimes comes a time when we are our parent's parent, in that we have to make the hard decisions for them that they are not able to make for themselves. Your mom might yell and fight like crazy (my grandma actually punched the nurse at one of the homes), but
that is because she is not able to process information correctly.
Right decisions are hard to make. Sometimes the harder the decision is to make, the more it needs to be made. You can visit your mom in the home as often as you wish, and you can always reassure you of your love. You won't be doing a bak thing by placing her in a home. You will be doing the best thing for her and for yourself. Good luck to you. Vickie
nothing sticks to her.She has all the same traits as mentioned previously.She does not boss us around or make demands.She manipulates me. Feel sorry for me syndrome..but does nothing to try and help herself.She is jeaulous that I still have my independence.She does have dimentia. It is so difficult to tell if it is the dementia or just her usual self.She is failing because she knows it all and will not listen to anyone.She is not old....as far as she is concerned.There is so much to say about her,about me,about my sisters and brothers,I am so tired.She lives in an AL and thank GOD
they want her.You have know idea how difficult it is for me to spend time with her.Her opinions on everything are so warped.
You have to take care of yourself expecially if you are ill. Your mother only thinks of you as a machine that does what she wants and as you become more disabled she will think of you as a broken machine, become more abusive or if you are lucky get rid of you. These people have no compassion.
Get out and care for yourself. You have no business trying to care for a 91 year old NPD. She'll find another sucker.
It's clear your mother needs help from someone somewhere else. Also, it's time for you to put yourself first; to love yourself the way you should and find a place where you can be at peace for a change. If you think you're helpless, just imagine how that dog feels. No one, including this poor creature, should have to live in fear. When you finally start packing, s/he should be at the top of the list.
Wish you the best.
-- ED
It took about 3 months before she finally settled in and now is happier than she has been in years....It will be I year next month and she thinks she has lived there forever.
Shes pretty social so she likes having people around and enjoys the activites. She was absoluetly miserable and depressed before I moved her in. Now I don't have to worry about her saftey...... I should have done it 3 years earilier right after my father passed away. I tried to give her the benefit of doubt that she could take care of herself but she really coudln't.
As much as I love my Mom, I know that neither of us would be happy living under the same roof. The compromise I struck was to find her an apt. in the same complex I live in. I also have paid caregivers who come in once or twice a week. My wish for her is to live in a home environment for the rest of her life. But I also know that this may not be possible. You need to think of your health (and your dog's too.) Many caregivers pass away before their charges. At 91 years old, and with all her medical issues, she should probably be in a place where the staff can properly care for her needs.
Good luck...there are never any good answers when you care for an elderly family member.