I told my mom (who has early to mid stage Alzheimer’s) that I would take her x mas shopping after her asking incessantly. (She can no longer drive due to doctors orders.) Her anosognosia makes her insistent that everything is as it’s always been, and she sweetly wants to buy gifts for everyone. In years past she obviously did this less and less effectively and would either end up getting multiples of the same gift/misplace them outright/waste money on very unusual items that quickly ended up in the donate box.
She has declined even more over the past year so this is the first year where I am attempting to take the reins in terms of holiday planning with the goal of making things run smoother (hopefully.) She has a prepaid debit card that I transferred money onto so she can certainly afford to get some gifts.
I’m just wondering logistically if anyone has suggestions for the best way to go about all of this to avoid her losing all the gifts she’s purchased. I want to preserve her independence but I also don’t want her to spend a bunch of money
and then lose everything. I would offer to take the gifts to my house to wrap them for her, but then she gets paranoid and would probably call me daily about where things are.
I know planning for a shopping trip might sound trivial but I’m really struggling to walk the tight rope of preserving her illusion that things are okay/involving her in the activities she used to enjoy but then also knowing when to say no to certain thing that don’t make sense are not practical.
I wrote checks on her behalf as her POA. Or bought gift cards for her to give to her grandkids. When my daughter in law was pregnant and registered online for gifts, I asked mom how much she wanted to spend, and then I made the choices for her from that list.
Every year around holiday time or birthday time, she'd hound me about taking her out to buy gifts. And every time I'd tell her the same thing: No. By the time moderate AD is at play, it becomes a 3 ring circus to take them out shopping. If you find this to be true yourself, make this trip your last one.
By the time moderate AD or dementia is at play everything becomes a 3 ring circus.
Deciding what to have for lunch or what to wear for the day becomes the 3 ring circus.
If she's truly in early to mid-stage dementia, she's not going to remember things too well anyway. Taking her out is fraught with problems. Just making sure she gets to a rest room is major, as she might not remember to mention her need while distracted by people and decorations. She may become confused in a strange place. Just sayin'.
Why must you work so hard to preserve her delusion? What's happening to her is awful, yes. But it's going to keep happening. Things she used to enjoy, she won't enjoy. Making memories now is pointless. This is bad stuff, but sometimes it's best to face it and accept.
I admire your courage in trying to plan this! Good luck, whatever you do.
Browsing without a plan may be too difficult for her to either make decisions , buy appropriate items and curb the overbuying . Only go to one store , like Wal Mart , Target .
Or better yet , if you can talk her into smaller gifts like small lotion , chapsticks , candy bars just go to CVS . Then she could put them in little goodie bags with your help. One of each item in each bag .
If you have to wrap or help with goodie bags , Make it fun , play Christmas music , have some cookies and eggnog ( non alcholic ). Then stack the gifts in a corner somewhere and tell her she’s done .
She does buy small Christmas gifts for the other residents at the facility, but she orders them through my sister's Amazon account. We never take her shopping. Too much of a fall risk.
FIL was wanting to write large checks . We fibbed and told him Medicare won’t allow that while he’s in an assisted living .
He bought the lie.
Shopping is too stressful for her. We order most everything for her from Amazon, makes her life much easier.
Maybe decide on ONE small item for everyone, the same item eg a bar of nice soap. Then you hit ONE store & buy the correct number. Then at home, Mom decides which pretty bar for which person. You can wrap together.
Ok my idea probably needs work.. but trawling multiple stores with no clear list or budget, with lack of insight & reason, so potential for arguements everywhere sounds like my idea of a living h3ll.