My dh is going to visit his mom this weekend. Her short-term memory is non-existent. About 2 years ago I finally told her that her favorite grandson was gay. He was worried about her reaction and finally felt like it was time for her to know. Personally, I was getting tired of trying to explain why he didn't have a girlfriend. At that moment, she seemed to take it in stride but never said anything about it. Now, of course, she doesn't even remember that her grandchildren are adults. I was printing out some pictures to put in a book for her. My daughter got married in June and we have some of those. My son is getting married in a year and I would love to add some photos of him and his boyfriend. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? I will say, since the dementia really kicked in, she can be VERY NASTY which is a complete 180 from what she once was. I know if she has a hissy fit, the only person to see it will be my husband. I guess I don't want anyone to get upset.
I can understand your son wanting to have his once understanding grandmother know about his happiness but the disease has robbed her of this understanding. You son may understand this compromise - not that you are not trying to hide the facts but you are working with a person who is living in the moment and/or with only past knowledge.
I've had others ask me about this issue and I've given the same opinion.
We have to decide what to tell - even including deaths - so this is just one more thing that sadly must be filtered.
Carol
The person with dementia? Myself? Someone else I am trying to please?
As for the recent pictures I'd stay away from them if you think she'll have a negative reaction.
I told my mother who has dementia and lives in the moment that my son was in a car accident. The next time I visited her the first thing she asked about was my son. She had been upset for a week. I never told her that my brother died 2 years ago and since he was adopted at age 3 she does not have a memory of him like she does about her 3 daughters. We no longer tell her that her mom died in 1980 and that her husband died in 1997. We just say Dad is at work and that her mother does not drive and can't come to visit.
So, I just put old photos in there, except that I do provide her current photos of her with her roommate in the facility. She knows who they are, but still prefers the old photos from many years ago.
I suppose it really won't matter though, because she will likely not recall who your grownup son and his boyfriend are when she looks at the photos.
To compare telling your MIL your gay son is getting married, to a loved one having a car crash or dying is comparing a happy loving event with a catastrophe.
If your MIL was always fond of this grandson, I'm sure she would love to share his good news that he's found happiness. I'm also sure your son would love to share if with her. If she was told in a celebratory way and everyone being agreeable, I'm sure she'd enjoy the moment. (I know for sure my demented mum would be so happy for her grandson)
I think more than anything, the lesson here is for your son to start of his married life with confidence, not to have to hide. Tell her with love and pride....
She has had quite a decline since then, and dealing with her since then has been hell, since she always has to "blame" someone. So now it's "why didn't you stop him from drinking?" and on and on. As if I could have changed his choices in life. So I say, share no news that has the potential to upset the person.
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