I have an autistic 5 year old and my 38 year old husband inexplicably lost the use of his entire left side 5 months ago and I have been caring for them both all alone. Lately I've been angry, sick with a neverending cold, and crying all the time. But in public everyone thinks I've got it all together, and I'm doing a great job. I just need a break, I'm so tired of worrying, and I'm always on my feet. I'm tired. Help.
Bottom line is don't be passive-aggressive hoping someone will volunteer ("I'm so tired all the time, I wish someone would help.") Being specific that you need help, how much and what type of help you need, and when you need it, as the others above me have posted, is the key. If you say you need to grocery shop, you might really mean you need to get out of the house and relax by grocery shopping. Someone volunteering to grocery shop for you isn't what you really need.
"Clara, I have figured out that I need 2 hours a week to grocery shop and run errands. I hope that I can find 4 friends to each stay at my home for that long once a week. Would you be able to help me out for a couple of hours a month, in this way?"
Does that sound like whining?
It is hard to ask for help.
I have been using the report tool that is included on this site to keep family and friends informed about the person I care for. My sister calls me almost every time I send it and we have better discussions about mom's care and my needs since she has this report and previous ones to compare.
Please look into making a calendar of what needs to be done (there are some great online versions - family caregiver and lotsahelp to name a few) and then recruit ASK for help...that's what I am currently doing - recording and asking (do as i say...)
Somehow when we are caregivers we lose sight of the fact that we need care too...and without that, we really can't help our loved ones to the best degree.
But to be honest, I'm guessing it's probably mainly you who's doing this to yourself. If you're one of life's copers, perhaps you think, somehow, that you *ought* to be able to manage your family without breaking stride and with a smile on your face? Be fair! Have a good, critical look at your workload and see what it would most help you to share. Then ask.
You never know. You might find that once there are more hands on your family's deck, the reduction in stress helps your husband's condition too.
And by the way, sometimes people say "you're doing a great job" because they hope and intend to encourage you, rather than because they think that everything is actually fine. They're scared to put you down by saying "boy! - do you need help!" - so instead they're waiting for you to ask. I suspect you'll find they'll jump to it once you do. Best of luck, keep us posted.
Once you figure out what you need, you can start to ask for that kind of specific help from various sources in your community, family circle, or friends. Are you a member of a faith community? You could talk to you minister. Does your son have a caseworker or someone working with him because of his autism? Contact that person about specific help you need for him. Or contact your local United Way or Township Office (if you have one of those).
What's your husband's prognosis? Does he have a diagnosis? Does he have insurance that might cover some rehab or physical therapy? Tell us a bit more about your situation and you'll get some help from us. I think you'll get a lot of help once you figure out what you need and who to ask. Anyone would be feeling the stress that you do.