How to tell my sister that I should be paid or get more than 1/2 of the inheritance for taking care of mom?

The "right" or "wrong" of charging parents for care, IMHO, is a very personal matter that are be defined by that particular family's values and lifelong practices and each members financial, employment, physical capabilities and retirement status. What is "right" is what can be agreed upon......hopefully this can happen.

Overall, if you expect or need financial compensation or supplementation to care for mom, you should be getting it, now, preferably.
Hoping for inheritance is like hoping for a bonus after you quit an underpaid job.
I would rather see some assets liquidated and used for care, respite or NH if needed. On the other hand, mom's need for care and your husbands unemployment are 2 unrelated situations, I wish you luck with be latter as that one is more likely to affect your financial status in the long term.

Forget inheritance, that is money that may or may not be there in the future. Speak to your sis about needing to leverage mom's assets to get her into a care facility, so you and your husband can earn income you need. 2 years of unemployment ....without an end in sight....is a long time, you may need to do some financial planning and downsizing. This financial situation is not mom's or sis's doing. My suggestion is you use mom's assets to care for her, and focus on regaining control of your household financial situation.

Say mom hangs in for 5 more years, can you wait without an income?

BTW, your sense on being overwhelmed and seeking fairness are very understandable....it's been a tough 2 years.

Best of luck to you,
L

This is an excellent example of the discussion we all need to have with our parents about their care as they grow older and hopefully before they are completely dependent. The sibling taking on the majority of the care should be compensated for their time. There is so much more provided than hours on a clock as a caregiver-time away from their own children, friends and responsibilities. I would suggest meeting with an attorney and setting up an income schedule, based on the disabled persons current assets...it should not have anything to do with inheritance when that person is still living. One post said it best-it is the disabled persons money there for their care-not YOUR inheritance. Even if it means liquidating that persons assets to provide that care-no one should get hurt feelings when its a structured financial plan. I do believe asking a person to change their will to gain a financial advantage over other siblings is considered Undue Influence/Financial Exploitation and is a strong basis for Contesting a will.

One of the biggest crimes in addition to abuses of the elderly
are the abuses to the FAMILY CAREGIVER
who is doing the job, but not getting paid,
because of sibling rivalry.

We have entered the 2 and 1/2 yr. mark
of having made a report of financial exploitation
and neglect (catholic charities elder abuse)
of siblings and despite some circumstances
of siblings putting her in AL (when she needed more)
against her will.

She continues to do well,
has gained her weight back,
is in a stable environment,
enjoys most of her life that she had prior
to her diagnosis.

AND we still are unpaid family caregivers and have lost out savings,
after 7 years of taking care of we are NOW asking to get paid from the estate,
they (siblings) made her sell her two flat house and we (she 86/ALZ and us)
are now in an apartment for 1 and 1/2 years. They do give her an allowance (the court), but we need to pay our bills, too!

Why do family caregivers always get a bad rap?
Like were sucking down beers and spending the SS check!
GET REAL and all mothers sit and eat bon-bons, too!
Remember that fallacy?

Lwen-
You are so right about abuse of caregiver. I am going on 2.5 years, not been paid, while sissy POA claims financial exploitation by me. It took retaining an attorney to file for impartial third party appointment of conservator and guardian. What so many POA's forget is it is their responsibility to pay someone/anyone for services provided. The POA does not say except family! In fact most elders would want to be taken care of by family rather than go to a facility and would want to pay the caregiver.

This topic just drives me nuts and the people that think we should not be paid. It would be interesting to know if those people are 24/7 caregivers, otherwise employed, self-made millionaires, spouses that make good incomes, whatever. A survey would tell a much bigger story.

N2-
How would payment be structured on assets? This is an argument that I have heard it is responsibility of POA to make sure assets last the lifetime. That could be two days, two weeks, for many years. If payment is based on assets how do you determine how long the person is going to live? The person providing care should be compensated an amount that is customary for the care received.

The best thing I ever did was put my mom in assisted living. She wasn't happy about it but got used to it and even though she wouldn't admit it she liked it there/ From there she move to nursing and eventually died of Dementia.. My point is it's only money and it's not yours whether you were in the will or not....Save yourself alot of grief and whatever money is left after the facilities take it all take10% extra for yourself and buy yourself a gift from your mom. then divide whatever is left from there between you and your siblings. I even went further (as my sister had been written out of my mom's will) She didn't want her to get anything. So I was stressing on what to do to abide by my mom's wishes and still keep the piece with my sister. I decided to split the remaining money between the 3 grandchildren. I hope she understands where ever she is !!! No one could say I was being unfair.
This money would not change my life in the long run but it certainly could help the grandkids ( in their bank accounts) .....

oh and buy the way ---when we went through her belongings ---I took things that were meaningful and told my sister ---If there was something she wanted we negotiated about that piece. the rest of the stuff we just went through and I basically let her take what she wanted.

I'm a bit confused. You say you care for her 24/7 but you live an hour and a half away. Well, it can't be both. As for who gets more? You would be paid for aid and assistance if she lived with you, but she does not. I doubt that any judge would grant you more than half due to weekly visits. Realistically, she will likely end up in a Nursing Home and they will eat up the entire estate. Any money you do receive will negatively affect your SNAP, HEAP etc. unless she puts it in a trust, which might be the best option.

I wish I could tell you differently, but as far as sharing an estate, it is your mother's decision and hers alone. I, too, am in a situation where a couple of my sibs help care for Mom & Dad 24/7 (we take turns) and other sibs do nothing. I am the executor of the estate, and know that when the time comes, I will have to give the sibs who did nothing their "fair share" under the terms of the will. The Court will allow no less.

So, if caring for your mother is such a hardship for you, it's time to get her in a nursing home or assisted living, whether she wants to go or not. That way you're not destroying your own life, and in the end there won't be any money for anyone. Or get her to agree to change her will to leave you a more equitable bequest.

I somewhat agree with the people who said your mother should pay you for your services now (my parents reimburse us for expenses but not our time). If you can get her to agree to this, fine, but carefully document EVERYTHING. Otherwise you will have your sib filing a complaint with the Court that you "stole" your mother's money while she was alive. Not only that, but if she gets to the point of needing nursing home care, the State will want to know where all of her money went for the past FIVE years before they'll allow her to receive Medicaid.

I point out to my parents regularly (whenever they complain about the care they get from their daughters in their own home) that if they were in a nursing home they would have to pay a MINIMUM of $7,000 per month for their care. If they hired Home Health Care people 24/7 (which are the hours we work) it would cost over $13,000 per month. And I know the care and attention we are giving is superior to anything they'd get in a facility.

gladimhere- If it looks like a person doesnt have enough in their estate to maintain a long term quality of care as well as pay a caregiver then private care is not affordable. Any thought of leaving an inheritance at this point is a luxury they cannot afford. Their assets would be depleted through their care, sadly they would end up on public assistance and placed in a nursing home. Its important that any potential caregiver realizes their own financial stability before taking on a dependent family member. There may be other options-one is obtaining long term care insurance (worth every penny) before the person becomes dependent. Another option is finding out about Visiting Care services through the local Senior Citizens Organizations. Medicare provides visiting nurses when there is a medical need for one. Sadly most of these types of care are not 24hrs a day. This is a growing concern as many more Baby Boomers enter this arena. I suspect with those growing numbers we are going to see more changes in home health care and service providers.

I was the full time care giver for my mom who passed away on Oct. 5, 2013. Mom told my sister at one time about a friend whose husband provided in their will for their son to be a paid caregiver if she needed one. Mom had told me numerous times that she wanted me to be paid. She didn't make this info directly known to my 3 siblings. She paid my sister & her husband $500 monthly rent. After mom passed & my sister & I talked about mom's almost $8000 annuity my sister said she might donate hers. I quit work to take care of my mom & haven't worked in over a year & 5 months when mom passed. I told my sister she could donate to me. Of course it didn't happen. I am happy Mom was able to stay home when she was dealing with stage 4 bone cancer. I know that I did God's will in taking care of Mom. My sister has to deal with God in her way. God continues to bless me.

I gave up a semester of school to care for my father as he died from cancer. Where were my siblings? Doing whatever they felt they needed to do at the time. Now my remaining parent, after staying with me for a couple of years, is living with one of my siblings, and this sibling decided to use my parent's pension, not for my parent's care, but to give her golden child whatever the golden child wants; and this sibling is someone who has a full time job, and won't even spend money to have someone stay with my parent while my sibling out of the house all day.

If a parent's money is used for their care, I'm 100% supportive of that, but if it's used to spoil a sibling's child or children, I'm not supportive at all. My parent's care choices have been limited by this behavior; my parent's medical needs were put on hold because of this behavior. This happens more than many of us would like to admit.

This is a national problem not getting paid for care giving.
In our case they are saying they are saving the (money by not paying us) for her to be eventually put in a better nursing home than a state provided one. She is 86 almost 87, if she did go in a nursing home are they prophesying, How long she will live? To how much money she needs???
SHE IS VERY HAPPY LIVING AT HOME.
it is not like the others wont get their share. although they are taking their mother never, it's like they are negotiating to give us an ultimatum of no pay V______or a nursing home. Can't there be a happy medium?

It is a problem when parents (who you are caring for) have golden children (your other siblings), but quite another when they had it down a generation.

Our next court date is Dec. 2 we thought we were getting paid.
The guardian promised me that their would be no problem...last January.
Still almost a year later nothing, after all, I am providing a service, that would cost more like $6500 a month when we are only asking to get paid for 7 hrs not the 24/7 that we provide.

We are going to have postpone for a hearing, and criminal investigation boy would we like to get the GAL AND THE GUARDIAN who has never been fair to us from the beginning.
They have treated us like scum of the earth for what?
GIVING A DAMN!

if she can afford to wait till her mother dies to get the inheritance, then she must not need the money now, so you can't be doing it for love, but money and that is sad!

Charles1921 I read her husband is out of work and she has health problems....It sounds like she is emotional drained with worry about her Mom's care and her lack of income..

If this caregiving role, no matter how hard, becomes just about the money, the it can't be about love. Get competent advice on how to be compensated fairly now. See a counselor to deal with the guilt and anger. No, it is not easy. Never is.

If you are the one designated by your mom to watch over her, then yes, you should be allowed compensation. Your attorney can draw up a caregiver contract. I use a calendar to write down when we go see our dad or performed other functions for his, such as banking, dr's appt., shopping if he requests things and time involved in preparing and sale of his home and car. With all of our travel, we were doubling our gas expense a month and some evenings had to grab a bite on the run so we could get up to see home before evening time as his dementia gets worse in the evening. This is when our attorney advised us to pay our self to offset what we had in e the expenses in taking care of his needs.

I don't agree with charging my parents money to do errands for them. Thats what we are here for. What ever it costs us isn't that much money to do those things. Doesn't anyone do anything for free anymore especially when it comes down to our parents. It's called LOVE not money..I travel back and forth to see my mom in a NH at least 3-4 days per week and do her wash and take care of what ever she needs from me without asking for a dime. I am so happy to spend as much time that I can with her while she is still alive and the last thing on my mind is her money. It belongs to her...

Rose-
Many here on this site are 24/7/365 caregivers that are able to keep parents at home. If I was doing errands, taking her to church, sure I would do that willingly. But 24/7 is much much different.

I absolutely agree with that but why are they doing it and what are they doing it for. When I read all of the stories here they are all worn out using up there parents money when that money can go towards full time care for there parent. Once that money runs out, some abuse it some don't, what's left for the parent to live off of. Parents live longer now a days and they have such nice facilities out there for our parents. I cared for my mom at home and I had no life at all and I will never get those years back and it also took a tole on my entire family too. That's what it comes down to. I have had family members also that took care of their parents at home till they passed and they are sick now themselves from taking on that huge huge responsibility. Our parents don't want us to suffer for them. You have to ask your self WHY are you really doing this.

Rose - you are contradicting yourself. NO ONE should be expected to give up their life 24/7 without some sort of compensation, and you just outlined why. "I had no life at all, and I will never get those years back, and it took a toll on my entire family, too." - THAT is why caregiving should be looked at as a job where wages are earned - who else would you work for for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and not expect a wage?? Running errands for your parents once they are in a facility is different than providing 24/7 care for them. Once my mother was in a facility, I wasn't paid anything to do her laundry, run to the store for incidentals, etc. and I was happy to do it for her, but when she was living in my home & I was caring for her 24/7, it was only right that there was some sort of compensation because I could have been out working otherwise.... I was making a huge financial sacrifice to care for her. Mind you, what she paid me barely covered more than the gas I put in my tank to take her to the doctor, etc. but it was better than nothing.

Rose,
You also said that money is for her care. Many of us are providing the type of care our folks would prefer, especially those with dementia. Believe me, you want to keep those with dementia at home if at all possible. That is definitely what is best for their health and welfare. If these family caregivers are not paid and there is sufficient assets to do this, who receives the benefit of free care? Other beneficiaries that often times do nothing to assist. There is story after story like that here at AC. Naturally these unpaid family caregivers are angry, they are in a position to potentially lose everything they have worked for and many times will become eligible for Medicaid, if they aren't already.

When you give up your life for the 24/7 care of someone,
your bills do not get paid and often the 24/7 care came on gradually,
so in the beginning, it was only a moment here or there.
It was our money that ran out long ago, not the 86 year old's,
as the sibs waited until we filed a financial abuse and neglect charge with Senior Services for not paying for food or medicine for their parent while taking the SS check
paying the bills, but not reimbursing for food and medicine for four years.
Medicines like Exelon, Avair and Namenda were expensive when in the donut hole,
and cost us plenty, while they pocketed the extra SS check money.

I only found out recently, that before reporting them to senior abuse, we should have reported them to the police.

The 86 year old was pulled from that facility, when she really couldn't afford it.

"Cash and Counseling" was an option but (sibs) sold the house,
and the 86 year old doesn't qualify for it anymore.

When the nursing home ( costs $6500)
and there is a finite amount of money and
the elder (our 86 year old) who wants to stay in the home,
is (in our case) grateful to be in the home, why are our motives being checked?

The 86 year old is not my relation but my friends,
WHY DO I DO IT?

The 86 year old's life remains golden and undisturbed
despite some siblings who want to spend the $6,500 a month
(because that is how they would solve the problem)
we do not see it as a problem and the one
who has always taken care of the parents (my friend)
and now the one, is fulfilling the parents' wishes,
even with AD.

But you cannot go into a food store and say
because I love my parent, please give me some groceries, etc.

Some where along the line 24/7/365 care constitutes as an occupation
we certainly are not charging for the 24 hr. care that she needs,
we are only purposing to cover the 7 hrs. a day, that we cannot work,
and that is a single set of 7 hrs. because she needs 24/7 care.

The day care will only allow her to be there 6 hours a day, so we only send her two days a week, but I still have to work the 3 hours before daycare and 4 hours after daycare and would have to work part time on those days, to me that is the madness.

I compare elder care to motherhood, why should I pay most of my salary to a baby sitter
when I am perfectly able to take care of my own child, a decision most of us make during those early years, when we stay home with our children,
God Bless all of you that were able to make money
that wasn't equal to what you had to pay the baby sitter,
we all can make our own decisions,
we are not cookie cutter people
there is room for diversity,
we all have our own reasons,
as to why we make our decisions
and it doesn't have to mean,
that somebody is wrong and other people are right,
we are all INDIVIDUALS, and we all have to do what we feel is right,
which is why I am sure you stayed home with your Mom.

The sibs give the 86 year old 30 hours in a month.

We feel the stimulation (of visiting friends), support and AD diet given to our 86 year old is contributing to the betterment of life and she is doing well by all accounts.

thanks for all your inputs. I love my mom very much and I am obligated to take of her and to make sure she gets the best care as well as make her comfortable and happy. But that comes with the price. If my husband is not unemployed and financially unstable, as well not having health issues, and get someone to do the paperwork, then I would not mind completly in spending my time with her!! I made a promise that my mom was to stay home as long as she does not harm herself nor herself. Yes, it is extremely difficult because of all the things that are happening to me and I am totally exhausted by all this mumbo jumbo. If I cannot get some kind of compensation, then how can I spend time taking care of my mom? It is not charging money to my parent especially when my family is not brininging money! Its called compensation! Unfortunately, I found out that the lawyercannot draw out a caregiver contract here in NY, because medicaid in NY won't allow it. Thats why I am looking to get my mom to give me some money now to help with the expenses. I have to do whatever I can to help myself a little bit in order to take care of my mom.

cram your smith & wesson about 2 inches up one of her nostrils.
NEXT question ?

wowwww.......

lkl, I think it is sad that the government would prefer that the family members use all of their own money and go bankrupt rather than help us out.
I was told that my mother couldn't engage in a caregiver contract with me since she was already diagnosed with dementia. I will be meeting with someone this week to see what Medicaid in OR says about it all.
Good luck. Let us know what you find out.

Pink, are you POA? The POA can have a care agreement drafted. Or if you are POA, the maybe a geriatric care manager could negotiate it. In my case, sis is POA but also most concerned about her inheritance rather than paying for moms care. So we have a guardian and conservator now that will work out the agreement and negotiate with me, even for past care. Sis is in a conflict of interest position so she has absolutely nothing to say about the agreement.

There must be a way to get it done for you as well. Good luck tomorrow.

Pink, if you are POA, you cannot negotiate with yourself.

Pink, Unfortunately it depends on what state you live in. The best person to speak to is an elder law attorney. Good luck!