How to tell my sister that I should be paid or get more than 1/2 of the inheritance for taking care of mom?

There are many other options. Can you move her closer to you or in with you? If not, can you move in with her? That would save you housing costs and off-set what is it costing you to care for her. Since your husband has been unemployed for 2 years, why is he not helping and then you could get a job. Check with your state, do they have IHSS which could provide services? Have you called local senior services agencies that may have other options? If these are not viable options, then I would just propose to my sister that I be paid X for my time. Don't bring up that you could lose your home. The issue is that you are spending X number of hours a week caring for your mother and since she (your sister) is unable to share in the responsibility, you believe that you should be compensated as a caregiver would. Hopefully you can get this resolved quickly. Good luck.

The sister is out of the country, so she cannot provide care. that forces OP to be the caregiver. She should get all the inheritance, in my opinion. However, Mum now has dementia and too late to change her wishes legally without being contested. Only way is to get paid upfront from Mum's assets for caring for her. Yes, caregiving should be done out of love, with no expectation of money. However, when one is not able to work a paid job, in order to take care of someone, then, they need to be paid for it first and foremost before any inheritances are doled out. Nobody should have to have their life swept away financially for doing the morally right thing by their loved ones only to have a sibling who did nothing leave with half the inheritance while the caregiving one struggle sot make ends meet. Perhaps a lawyer needs to be consulted at this point since Mum's wishes cannot be changed, and alternate way needs to be found for Op to get paid first from the estate, with anything remaining being shared equally.

I strongly agree you should get paid but don't try to coerce someone else out of their half of the inheritance. Doing so speaks volumes of you and what kind of person you really are, just don't go there unless you yourself want to face legal trouble over it. Wanting to go for more than your share of the inheritance makes you sound very very greedy and that's just how you come across. Oh I strongly agree you should get paid I strongly disagree on trying to take away someone else's share of the inheritance that your mom most likely already arranged for each of you to share equally. Just go for the pay and be happy with what you get because so many people out there and up getting absolutely nothing. Don't cause straight through sibling rivalry or your sister may be likely to resent you

The state will assist her with in home care if she qualifies and in Portland at least the state will pay whatever caregiver that is be it family or private hire 14.75 an hour.
Taking care of the bills and such is a role all family members take on themselves regardless of their own circumstances.

I have said this again and again and apparently no one is listening. EVERY HUMAN BEING, WHILE THEY ARE MENTALLY ALERT AND ABLE, MUST GIVE THOUGHT TO THE FUTURE AND WHAT HAPPENS IF....... The trouble is they don't do this and then hell breaks lose when the "if" happens. If your mother is mentally alert, and can handle a document as to the financial arrangements, fine. But if not, because it may be way too late, I can think of no other solution than to place the mother into a good facility so her funds are used for her and what is left will be split. I was a caregiver for 28 years and I can tell you, it is a job no human with an intelligent mind would take on - love or not. Those saints DESERVE TO RECEIVBE SOMETHING FOR DOING THIS. And if not, consider a facility. Good luck. Don't wait until the problems and ongoing carecause you to loe everything in hyour life - job, family, marriage, relationships, health, etc. Look out for ourself first....You owe it to yourself. This is YOUR time to live.

when it comes time for the will to be read all your work will be for gotten they will come back with,well I cleand the house once a month,or picked up meds onetime,when it comes to getting the last time to get money and they lose that little security there going to try to get everything they can and justify it.spent 14 years settling my moms estate

Legally, your problems are not your sister's responsibility. If she's beneficiary, then she can decide whether or not to divide with you unless there's a will stating differently.
The courts won't care about your husband's job or your personal problems unless there is a legal will and it seems as though your sister doesn't care either.Call an elder care attorney and pray.

just finished up my carrear as a caregiver for my inlaws after two years of 84 / 6 a week the couple were put in a home by the others after hireing a lawyer to protect there inheritance, My reward ? you got to use there vehicles to take care of them,take them to doctor appointments we didnt charge you anything except making you pay for gas, and buying your own meals. you put ware and tare on the vehicles, taking care of them so you owe us. Wait the vihicals belong to them not you you didn't let me do nothing, they would have had to drive to to these places no matter what. and many other things like that were my thanks also my wife was cussed out throughly because our kids came to visit the couple and there's didn't so the couple like our kids better, well why didn't for the two years I took care of them,bring them for a visit ? I couldn't, Why ? just couldn't. This is my second time of ending a family caregiver role. you may get thanks from some but they don't like to be beholden to anyone so just exspect a cussing out No thank you and no compensation for your work .when money is involved what is right is not considered. your there caregiver what are you going to do stop , leve them on there own with no care. No matter how right it feels that you should care for them, there's no money , you may have problems keeping your home and paying bills. But in the end its up to the others if they give you anything , and some people can justify anything in there own mind. and after it's all over you have to pick up the pices and restart your life with no money.just the knowledge you did right and the others didn't, not a real good compensation, and the reward in heaven business is a nice thought but getting calls from bill collectors makes it hard to remember. Wish i could give you a happer out come. but I think you have already figured this all out and trying to do something about it. The only thing i can say is your not alone and hopefully you will have better luck than me.

IHSS will pay the going hourly rate for home care for Medicaid patients. However, in addition to the many hoops the state makes caregivers jump through, spouses cannot be paid for household chores like food prep, cleaning and laundry, even if the laundry is three times a day sheet changes. The caregiver is considered an employee of the patient. If a non relative is hired, they can be paid for meal prep, cleaning, laundry, transportation, etc.

Seems like parent should pay for care and because it's hard to figure out what to
charge, consulting a specialist would be best bet. I would think twice about being
primary care giver, think about live in help if parent can afford this. That way you can maintain your career. Most reimbursement is done on a pretty low hourly or very
low per diem rate.

Make sure you are being reimbursed at an agreed upon rate. If it's too low
consider other options. Many facilities are well run and if you are looking out for
your parent, they will be given timely reasonable care. Assets should be spent
on parent for their reasonable care and entertainment (ie not for luxury cruises
if it means you'll have to be shouldering their care costs down the line)

Whatever then is left over can be the inheritance. Just remember that many seniors
outlive their money/assets so careful planning is a must. Some siblings appear to
selfishly want one sibling to do all the care giving gratis so as to preserve their own
inheritance. Better to come to an agreement now and receive compensation up
front for your efforts and out of pocket expenses. And verbal agreements are
basically useless. Even written agreements can be contested.

Get reimbursed for your out of pocket costs for care (ie stuff you've bought specifically
for parents care or housing expenses) and pay yourself for care at per diem rates if
you can afford to accept such low reimbursement rates. Personally, if your parent
can afford live in care or quality AL, that would be better route imho. As you'll have
your career to help you once your LO passes. Those of us who ended up doing stints of
full time care have spotty employment records, poor health and that's a tougher
hole to get out of.

Wow, Standing! That was great! Your post...I could actually “feel” everything you wrote! Whew! You are very expressive. So admirable

Ikle...There’s certainly nothing wrong w/being paid for what you’re doing & if you can have that conversation w/your LO then do so. Also, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business but if sibs aren’t informed about it at the start it could be a problem later.

Just one other thing...as I’ve stated in a previous post...the whole concept of “you chose to do this so...” is just soooooo off base. Yes, I think I always knew it’d be me, the youngest, that’d take care of our mother but No, I had absolutely NO idea what’d it’d really be like or turn into. And, from what I’ve read on this site, it’s only going to get worse.

So no, this was not a choice. Not even close. I believe that there are a lot of us who simply can’t turn our backs on our LO’s; we just have that sort of humanity built into us. “Built into us”. So it definitely is not a choice. We do it as naturally as breathing.

But hey, this is what’s so great about this forum. The exchange of thoughts, ideas, suggestions. And I do respect everyone’s right to express them. I sure have learned a lot here & have received more support here than I have in my “real life”! 😻 So thanks, y’all.

Ilke...good luck. I hope you can figure out a way to be compensated for all you do.

In more practical ways: Do you log in how many hours you spend with her? Not driving to her? Then log that time spent. What are you doing for her? Log that too. Keep records in a nice booklet and make sure you date the pages for each time you visit, in fact, ask if a witness can initial it, such as, a nurse or home care visitor. This will prove honesty and integrity and not just proof that you had expenses. Calculate the mileage you drive and the cost of gas too. Then multiply that amount by the number of times you do visit her in person, and then how many times more you might be driving for supplies for her. Keep receipts and staple to the corresponding page. I find that these are not only helpful to the final outcome for wills and such but to discuss frankly and openly with your sibling. This week I spent X hours with Mom, and X hours driving, and all of this will go for naught, once you start getting accused for stealing money from Mom's wallet. I personally have no respect for my siblings anymore. So, please record on paper if you happen to be short for gas, how much is being taken out and to minus that from the total of the week, unless you're paying that back. I am only going by what I saw my sister do, go into my mother's wallet to take out a $20 as I have dietary restrictions and did not expect to spend four hours at my mother's place, let alone an entire day and asked to spend the night too. I had to buy food for the evening and she gave me the money from my mother's wallet, albeit I protested, I was hungry, and my sister assured me my mother was "well enough off" as my mother never told us if she had money, but acted like she was strapped all of her life for money. I would say that documenting all the times you go over is going to open your eyes too. I would go over for 4 or more hours about 3 or 4 times a week, and had to stopped once I realized that the more I go over, the less the siblings go over. They were trying to run to have their own lives, whilst I was to become the "you're not working" one who has no right to take care of her own health issues. I am seeing a neurologist, getting tests done, and have no desire to die of a stroke from the stress of being wanted and loathed at the same time, in my own case there is very little in the way of being respected, being accepted, and being trusted. The less I went over, the more they picked up the slack. The only difference is, we have no respect for one another, as far as the siblings go because as soon as You get sick from the stress, you will see it is more important to get a better paying job than to help out, don't let guilt make you lose your livelihood because as far as you know, that house she owns, may need to pay for her retirement home and care and hardly anything will be left over, never expect an inheritance.

Some siblings, like mine, have no sympathy for the caregiver. My sister lived with our mother for years. She took both my dad and mother into the home until my dad divorced my mom after about a year. My mother left her all the household Furniture which was worth a fortune with the artwork plus additional funds over and above mine. A loan my ex-husband defaulted on, cost my parents $50,000 which would mean 25000 + interest would be part of dads and he originally intended to take that out of any inheritance. Now it appears we will be left penniless except for some equity in the house which has a reverse mortgage. My sister has a very substantial and well deserved pension plan and retirement coming. She also has quite a nest egg. Before I came to Dad and did not have disability, I was penniless. Once dad goes, I will have nothing as I have to contribute for actually all I get from Social Security to keep our household going. My dad said it would be punishing my sister for being successful to not give her half even though he would give me the Furnishings which are basically crap post-divorce stuff. After his debts are paid, it's likely there will be very little except for the equity in the house. The plan is for me to try to stay as long as I can but I don't think I can afford the upkeep without a roommate so I'm hoping for a Golden Girls type arrangement. Ultimately, I will be left despite all my devotion to my dad, out in the cold.