They are 93 and soon to be 94 years old. They have been living with me and my husband for 2 years. We are recently retired. They have taken over our home. We are lucky that they take a care of themselves in our home, cooking, cleaning. They want us here 24/7. I just can’t live like this anymore. My husband finally agrees. We have no life. I want to start living. We will be telling them very soon that they cannot live with us anymore. I am so nervous about telling them. When we told them we wanted to move a few years back my FIL started crying. We found a great place for them to live which is close by. I really hope they understand. Anyone else had a similar experience?
You and your husband are getting older, and the parents should well understand that as we get older, there are many many things we can no longer do, like it or not. Elder care is hard work, and it's way harder when you're older and it's 24/7 in your home.
You are doing this FOR them not to them. I think it will help that they're both going to AL together, because they'll have each other.
This is your husbands responsibility.
And he should say exactly what you have here.
"mom, dad since we have retired we want to do more traveling and spend more time together. There is a great place, close by I think we should check it out."
Any crying would be what I would call "selfish tears" not tears of pain or sorrow.
Or turn the tables.
You and your husband move into the Independent Living place and rent the house to your In-Laws. (kidding)
People are living longer and it poses a burden on family members who get stuck in these caregiving situations. Fifty years ago, people lived to their early seventies or late sixties. Then the lifespans stretched well into their eighties and nineties which eventually evolved into more and more home health care businesses coming on the scene. Now, I'm seeing people living well into their hundreds. One of my good friends lived to age 104. I met one lady who was 104 still painting pictures and came to visit her friend one day in the Assisted Living facility. Both were residents of the Assisted Living facility.
If they do have a PoA, is the authority active? Just because you found a nice place for them to live doesn't mean they will agree to go there, even if they have a PoA and even if that authority is active. You can't make a resistant adult do something very easily and maybe not at all.
Are they on meds for any depression, anxiety, mood? If not but you think it would help them, I would certainly deal with this before they transition. My Mom at 95 finally asked for meds for her mild depression and it has made a noticeable difference, especially in dealing with her every day (she lives next door to me).
If your inlaws have a PoA and the authority is active (read the document, it usually requires at least 1 medical diagnosis of impairment) then to ease them into the facility you may need to use a "therapeutic fib". This is a harmless white lie you tell them to get them to voluntarily move out, like: we're having work done on the house and they'll be shutting off the water (or electricity or gas) for an extended period of time so we all have to move out "temporarily" and here's a nice place for now... etc.
I wish you success in moving them. Enjoy your retirement!
Yes, your husband should tell his parents that living together will no longer work now he and you are retired. You plan on traveling and doing everything you couldn't when working. That you cannot be there for them 24/7 that you need a life of your own. Tell them you have found a nice AL close by so they will see you often.
They need to realize that you need to do the things you put off doing while you can do them. You are Seniors too and you do not know what tomorrow will bring. They have lived a long life, you may not be so lucky. At 74 and 77 my DH and I been losing classmates to cancer, heart desease and diabetes. Others are walking with canes, pulling oxygen concentrators or have cancer or had a heart attack. We, so far, are the lucky ones. I take no pills and DH takes a baby aspirin and his vitamins daily.
Your in-laws have lived their lives its time to live yours.
Be straightforward and tell them in the 21st century, things have changed. AL facilities are now similar to a hotel, with private studios and bathrooms. They have luxury dining, amenities, activities, libraries and housekeeping services. No more grocery shopping, cooking and dishes! No more house and bathroom cleaning! Activities easy to participate in, or not. There's usually a doctor on site as well.
You both will know the are in a lovely, safe place. You both can travel, do what you always wanted and worked your whole lives for. Help is just a phone call away. They need to lose the olden days concept of an asylum or mental hospital! Or the idea that they can impede on your lives forever. It's simply not what you planned for your lives. You can't be truly free to enjoy your golden years.
The horror stories of the past are long gone. This is the 21st century, and the horrible reputation of "homes" is gone. How can they believe shopping, cooking, dishes and housework makes them (allegedly) independent, and see it for the actual drudgery it is? Did they house their elderly parents when they retired? I doubt it. You will still see them often enough!
Let them cry all they want. Tell them you worked your whole lives to enjoy your retirement with each other. Two years has been very generous, but was not your life plan. You know how precious the time you have left is, and you simply want your privacy to do whatever you wish. They had had their retirement freedom for 25+ years already. You don't need the responsibility of another couple around 24/7 for your entire retirement years, or not for the rest of your lives. They must respect that and simply find a nice AL.
You feel responsible for this. You aren't. You didn't cause and can't fix it.
You feel you must make this OK. It isn't. It's a loss to them and they will mourn it. They will rage. They will accuse. That is your thanks for doing what you have done these last years. You have made yourself the fall guy for every loss they sustain now.
I am so glad you have a place arranged. Please do not expect this to be without anger, hurt, rage, accusation, grief and mourning, for if the losses of aging are not worth mourning, then what is?
I am relieved you will not throw your own lives on the burning funeral pyre of your parents, and that you will, with your husband, enjoy some of the last most free years of your life. As I know you recognize, you have already done more than most. And you deserve a life. Your sacrifice will not make anything perfect. Old age isn't about perfect; it isn't about happy. It IS about the losses we sustain at the end, and the fact that the longer we live, the more loses we endure. I say this as an 81 years old who, while happy, and more than willing to go. I KNOW the path ahead.
You won’t be free of responsibility when they move. They will still need advocates, bills paid, decisions made, shopping done, medical care, visiting. So yes, you will get your privacy back and can hand them off to others for oversight but caring for them is ongoing until they pass. Good point about them having each other for this transition. This is something they are able to do for each other at this point in their lives.
Remember that your attitude will help them adjust theirs. Don’t over promise but do let them know you will continue to look out for them. Be confident and loving and firm.
Once when my mom was in a rehab I reminded myself to be thankful that I didn’t have to shop for the food, cook the meal, wash the dishes, administer meds, wash the linens, clean the floors, do any personal care. I did clean her teeth.
My job was to watch that the staff did their job. That the therapy was going well. That her meds were correct. To visit. To bring her clothing and provide updates to family.
You will miss them in your home but you will have DH and your in-laws will have each other. Let us know how it goes.
And send us a postcard from your travels. 🤗
I would move to AL in a N.Y. minute if I had the funds and the need. No joke. I could stay in my apartment if I wanted to, like any other apartment bldg, but have care if I needed it w/o the hassle of trying to find it on my own. If that's not a win-win situation, I don't know what is.
If your in laws cry, they don't realize what AL is all about, they really don't. They're envisioning something that isn't real and don't realize the new life they're about to embark on.
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