His adult sons and family are distant. They all live out of town, including 3 grandchildren and 4 step grandchildren who are all adults, ages, 22-31. The sons call periodically, no notes or calls from the daughter-in-laws....oh maybe an e-mail to me...not necessarily about my husband ...........and I'm wondering what to do? Or do I just let it be. He feels ignored as I do. Of course, this has been their behavior for most of our 14 years of marriage. Why do I think it would change now? They show no compassion in my book. Very much into themselves. Part of the "I" generation.
But at any rate when we found out I let his family know what was going on and that without treatment he had 6 months, with maybe 1 year. Then I let them take it from there. His 2 daughters here still contact and see him, and the one in Fl. made a trip up here to see him and he was with them all for 3 days - he said they were three of the happiest days in his life - all of them together. You see due to divorce and living in different states they had lost contact for a bit and when they got back in touch he has really made an effort to stay close.
One thing we have not done is let anyone come to visit is cry or be upset. We have kept everything up beat. He has told and tells everyone that he and God will fight this...Me I have no doubt -- just don't feel in my gut that it is time.. Well, good news for anyone and reason to have hope -- we got the resutls of a CT Scan and a mass that was in his lung is gone, not trace of specks of cancer on his lungs and not sign of it in the lymph nodes. For this I give God the Glory. He will continue with the treatment and do antoher CT Scan -- I will be expecting good news again. I can not say I trust in God and have doubt at the same time. So please do not give up.....Love in Christ to All......
For 33 yrs, I have dealt with step sons that did nothing but try to split my husband and I up. I had nothing to do with their Mom and Dad's split. He married someone else between their mother and I. They have told me they can have me killed anyday ect. When I was ill in the hospital as soon as I got home one of their Bimbo wives called me and said if I died they were filing a claim against my property. I have a small farm, they are nothing to me. One of them married a wanted female off the internet. I worked all the time as a professional person. I finally told my husband they were not allowed in my home any longer. You cannot waste your time trying to make bullies like you. They wanted my husband to give them POA over him when he was going to have surgery. I worked in the medical area. He did not do it. Just tell them their Dad is ill, but don't invite trouble in. Be realistic they are not in your corner. Best of Luck
The thing is, as people of faith, we often feel that we need to be generous, turn the other cheek, help where we are needed and often by doing these things, we feed the dysfunction in dealing with selfish people.
I am a Stephen Minister to an elderly woman who had no kids of her own. She remarried in her 50's after her husband left her for another, much younger woman. To this day, this lady still feels (not guilt) but how disappointed her mother would be to know that divorce was so much a part of her life (the man she remarried was also divorced, and he had kids). This woman's step children, now in their 40's and 50's were raised mostly by their mess of a mother and grew into 'users'; they have chronic employment issues, kids with several other people who they never bothered to get married to (of course, that was their parents' fault, since they put them 'through their divorce', etc - no accountability at all), drug addictions in one case, etc.
Although there was virtually no contact with my friend while her husband was living, as soon as he died they began to come around to 'see' her, meaning they wanted their 'inheritance' now. Their dad had left everything to his wife. But, as she is a Christian woman, she tried to help them out and did give them some money. This is when they 'renewed' a 'relationship' with her. Read that to mean, constant requests for more money. And some could argue they needed it as they had been so irresponsible in their choices all three are in constant crisis of some kind. Also, having had no kids of her own, my friend did not have anyone to leave her fairly sizable estate to. So they figured they were entitled to it.
She finally had to say no, and that's when she met with our pastor, who gave her the freedom to stop letting them use her. He asked her if she felt that this is the way God would want her to use her resources and she knew that in her gut they were just being opportunistic. They of course, no longer check in to 'see how she's doing'. Hmmm.
These are weighty issues and when you resolve to cut off a relationship or say no or do nothing in the eye of death or any other finality, support and help in working through those choices and decisions are important.
I feel the same way about a number of my and my husband's collective six kids. I think OUR generation, as parents who went through divorces and remarriages, dealt with huge guilt issues and 'apologized way too much' to them, even if we did everything in our power to be good parents, give them opportunities for education, etc. We sucked up a lot of our own suffering and didn't ask our parents for much. We just handled things like grown ups. Imperfect and often stressed grown ups, but still, we didn't blame our parents for everything as our kids seem to do (and admit it, we have let them) and we didn't expect them to fix things for us either.
You will need support in this process and you will need to feel strong about decisions that you make. Your husband will be gone. This is mostly for you.
God bless you all. I pray your hurts will heal as much as possible and also for wisdom to discern what to do and what is best.
If this in any way could possibly apply to your situation, I'd encourage you to offer some space for your husband's children to spend time with him alone. It sounds like there's no love lost between you and they, but for your husband's sake, give it a try. He deserves to connect with his family before it's too late. You could call one of them and say you have to go out of town for a couple of days (or all day, if you don't want them staying in your home). Ask one of them to come stay with him while you're gone.
I am sorry you are going through this and it is awful, but it is not just family that does these kinds of actions. My mom attended the same church for over 40 years, all of the people she knew from that time that are still around do not call or come for a visit either and they are old enough to know better. Today, people are too absorbed in their own lives to think about others.
I would notify each family member of the situation and say that he would love to hear from them a bit more frequently. If after this point, they do not put forth the effort then the guilt they will feel after the fact is their issue.
I am not trying to be cruel by any means, but I am dealing with a similar situation with my mom and have been except my mom doesn't have a terminal cancer. My mom has 3 brothers and 6 sisters living, she hears from 2 sisters every now and then. She was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I said something about telling her siblings and she told me no. I was allowed to tell the 2 that called, but none of the rest. My mom said it won't make a difference to them, they still will not call me. So it is my husband, myself and mom as we forge forward through this disease. I know I am doing the right thing and I do not worry about the rest.
I have 3 siblings, of which 2 will call their own mother once every 4 - 6 weeks if she get lucky and 2 of her own grandchildren won't talk to her by phone but about once a year if she gets lucky.
So I have learned to tell them what they need to know and the return action is up to them. You cannot make them pick up the phone and call, hold onto the memories the two of you have, stay positive, make more happy memories and they can answer for their actions someday. Remember they will be old or sick one, who is going to call them. So keep a stiff upper lip and remember there are others out there that go through the same thing and we are here to support each other.
Again, I am truly sorry they are treating you that way.
If they remain self absorbed it will lead to little or no contact but if even one of these folks steps up he will be happier.
The use of Skype can assist but sitting with an ill person holding their hand, giving them a hug or a kiss on the forehead when they are down can't be
made up for by technology. Just being there to reassure lessens pain and grants the ill person a peace of mind. Your presence in his life I am sure does all of this.
Good luck --I hope one of his relatives steps up but send out the notification and let God soften their hearts to do the right thing for their father, grandfather.
Elizabeth
When FIL was ill (he knew he was terminal and didn't tell me) He sat down with me asked the same question. He so wanted to see his sons, he reached out to them by asking them to help with the paperwork (changing the deed to a living trust ect.) they told him no. I think because they didn't believe he was dying (a little bit of a hypochondriac over the years) . He asked me if he should offer to pay them for their visits? He suggested 50.00 each per. I was mortified he felt he had to go that way. He knew we (myself, my husband and the brothers)don’t get along, so he asked me to talk to them and squelch any bad feelings. We reached out to them. When he didn't die after their first visit they became accusatory with me ( as if I manipulated them). The sadness I feel was (is) ridiculous. I was so hurt, vengefully; I got on the phone and explained, he was so upset about their lack of interest he was willing to pay for their visits. Their reply...How much? He died 2 weeks later. They hate me. I feel sorry for them.
Hopefully in your situation you can suggest they arrange their vacations and/or long weekends in your area. Get "Skype” a computer video chat. The sons and grand kids can update you both on the daily adventures (sounds like they are a busy bunch) Even face book can help. I realize they are older but if they actually see him they might realize something they don’t over the phone. Best buy, Geek squad can help you with the setup.
But beware....I tried this with MIL and I had to deal with her dissappointment when they never called back..... Good luck!
Would it be possible to have some kind of low key family weekend? Or maybe one family a weekend could come visit. If they are close enough..it could even be just a day trip.
This is not time to let personal feelings and past hurts get in the way; it is a time of mending and being together for each other. Time to open those hearts and arms!
I wish you all the best. Gob bless!