I'm terrified of my own old age. How do I get past this feeling?

Don't fret about a worst-case scenario. None of us knows what awaits as we age. Let your children know the plans you have in place and how you want them to handle your care if it comes to that. But think positive, you may live to 95 without any significant problems.

Great thread. I turn 60 next week. This past year I have placed my father in NH and my mother continues to live alone out in the country. She seems to be okay living along and has welcomed the peace of having to take care of my fathers needs. And he was very needed :). She and I have talked and when it's time, she'll go to NH with my dad. But until then I go weekly to handle everything she has questions and take her to visit my dad. I set her up with a mobile help company, so I can have peace of mind. All POA's and wills have been set up and I know their wishes as they come along.

Now is time to get myself all set up. I'm an only child and have no immediately family that I can turn to, so I have talked with a dear friend and she has agreed to be my POA and carry out my wishes when the time comes. I plan on spending everything and living what time I do have. Retirement and SS will be enough to take care of NH should I need it, so I don't have to burden the medicaid system.

I know I should lose weight but it's been hard keeping myself on schedule when I'm worried about my parents and my own mortality. As I remodel or make improvements to my home, I'm fully aware of setting it up for my older life style coming. I have been very independent all my life so being alone is not scary to me. I think if things take a nasty turn health wise, I'll look into other states that recognize end of life dignity. I hope to travel some when I can. But now is my time to make my parents feel loved and know that they raise a caring and loving son. My blessings to all caregivers

Like Golden23 I'm there, too, (87) and still enjoying life. My only advice is light exercise about 3-4 times a week, eat as healthy as you can (occasionally enjoy things like pizza, cheeseburgers, and ice cream,) and keep your weight at an acceptable level. Keep your mind busy; other than watching TV you do can read, do puzzles, and find a hobby you enjoy.  
And oh yes, trust in the Good Lord.
Of course, we're all different but this has worked for me.

My parents were very angry about getting into old age and made it clear they were "done" around the time they turned 70. At that point they were in very good health (resembled 60 year olds, honestly) and had ample money in the bank to continue enjoying life. They then took to their easy chairs, started drinking all day every day, cabin fever set in, anger, resentment, fighting, poor nutrition, etc. By the time they were in their mid 70s they had aged dramatically and now, not even 80 yet, are damaged to the point where travel and enjoying life is no longer an option. My moral of the story is that attitude toward aging counts for a whole lot! My parents had all of the pieces of the retirement puzzle put together except for having a good attitude going forward, and that pretty much ruined everything :(

I think about this everyday. I already told my best friend, that I will take matters into my own hands, if I feel the need. I will know what to do when the day comes. I pray God takes me gently one night. I have been caring for my mother (92) who is bedridden for last few years all alone. Family is mostly MIA. I wish I had a crystal ball but they are on back order.

My friend and I, both 89, just had a lovely three mile walk around a state park, enjoying the changing colors of the flora. We have both dealt with loss and are still dealing with handicapped loved ones in our care but we laugh a lot and don't feel that growing old has been an irksome journey. (I don't have money for help of any kind and probably don't clean house the way I used to but I keep our heads above water financially.)

I think it's important to recognize that your particular LO's situation is unique. Out of every elder in my family that I can think of, none were incontinent before they passed. I think that you are so close to your LO's daily life that it's making you fearful and giving you anxiety. There are no guarantees that any of your fears will ever come true.

Take a break in any way you can. Hire additional help or respite care. Find a local therapist that you can talk/vent to in order to help give you some mental distance.

I think anxieties of this type can be indicative of caregiver burn out. Perhaps reading some articles about this may help you.

I am committed to not becoming like my mother. Lazy and no desire to live life to its fullest. She made no proper arrangements for old age so I feel I've been dumped on and that taking care of her is stealing my and my husband's time to enjoy life. We do the best we can to stay physically fit and travel as much as possible under the circumstances. I will not do this to my own children, that's for sure. But, yes, I am very fearful of becoming incapacitated and of death itself.

As a long time caregiver to those with AZ and other memory issues I know for a fact that I have no desire to live with such a cruel disease. If I am ever diagnosed I will hatch a plan to punch my own ticket before things get bad. I'm conflicted about ending life on such a note. Would be much more delightful to leave in peace -maybe during a nice afternoon nap....bathed in sunshine from a warm spring afternoon & surrounded by loved ones. Unfortunately, chances of that happening are like wagering your life savings on the lottery! I turned 60 in September and am hoping that anything other than AZ claims me. That is the worst if you ask me.

You start by reading and learning all you can. You try to take in proper nourishment and get adequate exercise.

A lot of diseases are simply malnutrition and lack of exercise.

Please don't slam me - I do understand that there are some truly terrifying diseases out there - but by taking care of yourself, at least you then also give yourself a better chance of not suffering the same situations you are afraid of.

I don't believe in "Clean Eating" per se, but I do believe in 'cleaner eating' and trying to avoid as many chemicals as possible. I believe we do need to eat more "freggies" (fruits & vegetables) and drink more water.

Praying also comes to mind - but I think I'll pass on that getting hit by a truck. :)

The thing about getting old is that it eventually ends. Consider the alternative.

Like Zdarov said earlier - many of us are going into our golden years with blinders off as a result of being caregivers. My biggest fear is that dementia will cloud my thinking in the way it has for my mother. I remember her complaining bitterly about the stubbornness of her mother insisting on staying in her home. So guess how shocked I was when she said she'd never go to a nursing home. I tell my kids to just ignore anything I say and do what's best. Put me away. Do whatever you have to do. Just don't listen to the ramblings of a senile old lady. I plan to break the cycle of foot dragging, arguing, denial and stubbornness that have plagued my grandmother's, my parents, and mother-in-law's (yes, we have ALZ on both sides of the family) senior years. "Please let me go gracefully" is my prayer every night. I do not want or plan to be an anchor my kids have to drag through their middle age years.

When I read the topic of this thread, I felt a thrill of relief! I’m not the only one who considers these things every day (day in and day out, often). Apparently, when dementia sets in, we lose our concept of it being awful. It’s mostly awful for the people around us. So I agree on the importance of having wishes in writing before that happens, AND of making it clear to loved ones that these ARE the wishes of our conscious, rational selves. Warn them that dementia can certainly change our wishes and make us want to continue to survive day to day. And talk through with them what you want to have happen. My son will, when needed, find me a nursing home that is not awful. My husband and I lost a lot of our net worth in the whole 2008 financial mess, so (barring some sort of financial miracle) we won’t be able to afford much other than Medicaid placements. That’s kinda scary, but on the other hand - better that than stealing the middle age my son and his family deserve to enjoy in freedom. My Mom has done that to my husband and me and I know my “real Mom” would never have wanted that. This dementia-possessed Mom is, of course, pretty much oblivious to the needs of others, even though she’s pleasant enough and certainly not aggressive. It’s the loss of freedom and spontaneity that I never want to impose on anyone else. Thank you all for this thread. Whoever said “old age is no place for sissies” hit the nail on the head! We all have sobering decisions to make and are fortunate to have this place to bring those things to the surface and share our experience, strength, weakness, hope, despair, doubt and faith as they all cycle through our caregiving challenges. I’m grateful for you all!

This is a great discussion. We have all the legal work done -- will, POA's, advanced directives. I have set up bill payments and noted all info in a folder on my computer that I constantly update. I have this information printed and in a marked binder in case... My sons know all of this.
However, my husband is wheelchair bound and unable to care for himself. I want to downsize so no house and yard to manage on own but this isn't the time (yet). This scares me (I am 74, my husband is 78 -- I am in good health and would be more active but being a full time caregiver is a life sucker) as I don't want to have all of this to take care of in years to come and don't want to put the burden of my frailty on my sons if things don't change in the near future. Actually, I don't want all of this to take care of NOW -- it is overwhelming, but I can't quite get to good resolution at the moment. No solutions -- just thoughts.

WOW, thank you all for your participation..in what is a very true and huge hurdle in our 'thinking' lives.
Yes I think about it ... and in a way planned how not for it to happen, of following in my Ma's footsteps. she is nearly 95 but hasnt been fully aware of surrounding life for the past 10yrs. Blocked by a dominating husband who was able to hide his dementia from most by becoming more obnoxious and dominating.
When he passed, she of course had no one to tell her what to do every 3mins and so crumbled fast
I have told my daughters that they are not to have me with them, but to throw me into a rest home , set up automatic payments and never visit. My Ma is everything she said she never wanted to be" Ga-gaaa in an institution"
I think I do the daily test... Oh gosh I forgot Ive done that, No I havent I forgot it but now remember. .
We have spineless politicians in this country so euthanasia isnt allowed, at this point in time.
I had been wondering if I had mild depression cos of how I think of my future.. and now [heading for 70] am doing the every 2 yrs analysis of whether I stay in my present situation or return to town and live in a little concrete box in a concrete vista, with basic needs and responsibilities. .
My sister said once . It was OK for me I was a nurse I knew how to speed things up at the end.!! My response, go into any supermarket and take 5x of whatever you fancy where it sez something is poisonous or not to overdose on.
No not suicidal but not going to prolong things. I did that when I was mid 40s and landed up for 17yrs with multiple surgeries after one big woopsie surgery. Now I just want my diagnoses, and to hell with treatment.
My family 'dont need me' all adults. and I just wish my Ma's calcified heart and shrunken brain could find the stop button soon for her to be at peace instead of the h*ll she is in.

I agree. Since I have been reading this forum, it gets to me to see what people are going through in caring for their aging relatives. Every time I forget something, get confused, or use the wrong word, I am terrified that I am getting Alzheimer's. I am a Christian, so I trust in God's care, but the thought of being unable to care for myself and being a burden on my children is still frightening. Suicide is never the answer.

As for not wanting to be a burden on one's children, nobody wants that to happen, but weren't they a burden on us when they were small? Didn't we care for their needs and nurse them through all kinds of illnesses? That is what families do; they take care of each other. Life is full of tragedy, heartache, and burdens. There is no avoiding it until life is done.

Wow! We CAN still have intelligent conversation! Caregiving is so other focused that it is nice to read that we are still thinking. I feel I have mentally and physically aged 10 years since my husband's dementia diagnosis and think of aging in a more negative way now. I keep thinking I will care for myself once he is in a facility, if there is a me left. But, I have all my legal work handled, have LTC insurance and will not live with my children but near them in a facility when the time comes. I would like to travel more and hope I can once my caregiving days are over. All in God's hands, suicide not an option for me. Good tread! Thanks!

I've got my plan in place should something happen to me - I also wish to go with Dignity. I also want to be cremated, no funeral, no service, no nothing. I never married nor had children, and I also do not observe some of the holidays. I am not religious and I do not attend church on Sundays

When you get old and you get to the nursing home don't worry they will give you drugs so you won't know if your coming or going, if you don't like drugs, don't worry, because they will slip the drugs in with your other medications and not tell you after that by the time you find out, you won,t care.

Yes, I feel the same. It is frightening!

I am a strong supporter of POLST. If you are diagnosed with a terminal disease (Alz or other dementias, cancer, ALS, or any other number of terminal illnesses), POLST allows you, not your family to decide how far you want to go with treatment. POLST is NOT suicide and is NOT murder. It is simply saying, "when I reach a particular point in the disease process I no longer want to be treated for acute illnesses such as pneumonia, flu, or others." It is allowing "nature to take its course."

There is no guarantee that one will die when that point is reached. We do not have POLST here, but having researched the ethics for almost a year, my sister and I agreed to this type of decision for my dad over 1.5 years ago based upon our conversations with him when he was still able to understand. He has since had several bouts of colds, pneumonia, and either a DVT or cellulitis with no treatments and virtually unscathed by them. We know that we are no longer throwing every treatment at him to keep him alive to reach a vegetative state with potential feeding tubes, etc., and live there until we are ready to let him go in peace.

Not every state has POLST. For those that do not, there is an addendum that one can add to his/her HC-POA or living will that can be used to more clearly and explicitly outline your wishes. A document called Five-Wishes can help figure out how to write an addendum like this.

Pneumonia was long considered the "old man's friend."

Many will disagree with me, and that's okay; I used to disagree with me, and I do not condemn anyone's decision except those of suicide or murder. Over the last 3 years, I have watched many people in our nursing home in a vegetative state be treated over and over again to keep them alive. When one antibiotic meets resistance, they try another and another, a setup for increasingly resistant bacteria.

They are working on methods to halt or reverse aging! Keep your fingers crossed.

I truly understand your fears. As a full time caregiver of my husband and knowing that we have no financial resources for long term care, I worry all the time about becoming with ill one of my own conditions or getting a form of dementia myself and becoming a huge burden on family. I have prayed that I die before that can happen and it makes day to day living far from pleasant. But I do try hard to find small joys and little things to be grateful for and find that spending even a little time out of doors helps. I am grateful for this site where even the worst challenges can be discussed with those who understand.

I really enjoyed reading all the responses on this thread. I'm 70, hubby 85 with severe dementia & round-the-clock caregivers and hospice. So my current burden is light. But I have no family except for his children and although we have a good relationship (and one of them is now my medical poa) I wouldn't expect nor want any of them to take care of me for various reasons. I plan to hire a professional fiduciary for health care poa some time in the near future but haven't done so as it just hasn't bubbled up to the top of the endless to-do list. All the other legal paperwork is in order although my filing isn't exactly perfect yet I think everything is accessible. My plan for a long time has been to find a continuing care community once hubby is gone--I was able to get LTC insurance for myself after he was diagnosed but his care is all out-of-pocket. I don't worry much about what will happen to me physically or mentally but I do worry about running out of money. I also have learned a lot during the period we've had caregivers in the home and I know that I need to do my research before committing to a CCRC. Fortunately I'm okay, no health problems, so it's likely that I have some time to contemplate where I might want to go. I particularly appreciate the answers from those who have already reached a greater age than I. There is no age to which I want to return, and I wonder if I won't just keep on feeling that way. ONe poster said that at 80 her life was more interesting than it had ever been, and I'd like to think that that's the way I'll feel! I'm looking forward to more comments on this subject.

thomasedwin.. 'sadly' chemical restraints are not allowed in rest homes here. or maybe I mean 'gladly'. that control was stopped a good 25yrs ago, and for good reason. I am sure thats why all those years back the average residency was about 11mths in a rest home. Now its something like 4-5 yrs here . ranging from 6mths to 12 yrs

Oh WOW, I'm with you. Every time I looked at my mom, I had those same thoughts about my own future in my declining years. I kept finding myself hoping that I would have a heart attack and die on the spot when my time comes. I decided to do whatever I can to keep my mind and body sharp...exercise 3 times a week at the gym, do crossword puzzles...all of that stuff. I have also made a box for each of my kids with memorabilia, pictures, geneology and personal notes from me...things I want them to have after I pass. In one of my notes, I made sure that they know how much I love and appreciate them...just in case I end up being rude or mean in my last years. It's all I know to do. Mostly I just want you to know that you're not the only one that has those fears. Tonight I will pray that God will wrap His arms around you and give you peace about your future and in your life.

I am sorry, indeed sad to read what you say...I do not judge you...Me? No matter what happens to me as I get closer to life's end (I'm 81) I just figure God's got this under control...I trust in the almighty...

Grace + Peace,

Bob

This is for Golden23,

This is for golden23 Well, good for you....80 and still independent and not worried about how you will be taken care of when you need to be taken care of. Takes a lot of confidence and money to handle that aspect of ageing. I wish you luck. Luck seems to have become your best buddy so far. Well, good for you.

Every day :)

I'm saving up for my Netherlands fund. If I could choose my time and place I will. I too think how I can protect my children from all this.

First I'm having conversations with my adult children --they dismiss it because they can't see into the future, but it doesn't stop me from having the conversations that I don't want them to care for me, place me if they have to, etc.
Secondly, I've made sure my documents are current including correcting DPOA etc so that critical errors my parents that crippled me won't hinder them
Thirdly (I'm 60), by the time I'm 70, I likely will add one of them to my checking account and sign a bank POA. Yes, believe it or not your bank has its own POA!! Ridiculous but true.
Lastly, I have a friend who's daughter is like a sister to my sons...she's watched me walk this crazy walk with my mother and I've asked her to step in and help my sons make the right decision for me so they don't feel guilty and wear themselves out when I fight to stay in my home when I should be in care or have assistance in my home.
Lastly, I'm planning on being part of the solution. There has got to be a better and more sustainable way to care for elders in coming years. NJ or NY have Village Communities where they pair elders with neighbors, etc so that everyone looks out for each other vs looking the other way.

How bout it folks?!