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"i guess a good question is, why didn’t mom investigate this before she asked me to come help her? "

Slartabart. Another good question is, why didn't you?

Have you had any thoughts about where to look for somewhere to live, and for paid employment? You need both of those, first, before you can make progress on the wider and deeper issues.

You left your apartment, selling your furniture. At that time you owed your mother money. Your mother suggested, or you did, or anyway you both arrived at an idea that you could "repay" this debt by moving in with your mother and "working it off." That went ahead. Meanwhile, you have become entitled to over-65s benefits, which I'm sure don't go very far; and you are living in your mother's home, and she has suggested paying you $500 a month.

$500 a month for 24/7 care for a person who needs care is, we are all agreed, wholly inadequate. But your idea seems to be that your mother should support you, and her idea is that you should move out and support yourself, and she has demonstrated that she is willing to arrange services for herself, and there is at least a sign - not to put it more strongly - that she doesn't think it is good for YOU that you should continue to live in her house and be her full-time, salaried caregiver.

I think the real issue here is that you are afraid to move out, and I think the roots of that must go back to before she invited you to come and live with her. What happened?
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Slartabart Jun 2019
You are right that I should have investigated this before agreeing to upset my life and honor her request. I regret that. But, never, would I have thought that my mother would not be fair. I was unaware of how miserly she had become. So, I trusted, and responded to my mother’s request. Now, today, I don’t think she was unfair, so much as clueless. She knew I would come if she asked, and she assumed too much.

Prior to moving here, I already had SS in place and a plan for my future I did not wish to abandon, but I did, because she said she couldn’t live alone any longer. She was too “with it” to go into AL. These are simply hard choices.

No, there is no need, presently, to look for a place to live or for alternative work. I have not decided if I will stay or not. Mom said she wants me to stay. Whether I do or not depends on how this process goes. If she and I can finally establish better communications, I will stay, no timeframe promised, paid or unpaid, until we agree that i should go, or that she should accept placement in AL.

I received a lot of good info and support in the past week, which helped me to see some very important things I missed, particularly how I needed to set limits.

Please see my replies to JennaRose and Cmagnum this a.m.

You have some facts wrong, therefore, some of your “logical” conclusions are illogical—in error.

An online website is a great place to get other’s opinions regarding similar experiences. Ultimately it’s important for the receiver to sift through that info and to apply it appropriately to one’s own circumstances. An online site is not a good place to seek or get psychoanalytical advice, and I didn’t ask for any.
That’s why I will return to therapy, I need some.

I recognize that in this past week, the “dam” broke, as I say, and all of this pent-up grief came flowing out of me. This is not the place for that, so, I will stop it. I KNOW that if not for the help of you and many kind and good people, this dam would not have broken either this soon, or maybe not ever, don’t know. You all helped me to move forward. May I add that people don’t often move forward unless/until the’re ready and able to hear new info. I was ready, you were here.

As I said, I am new to this site. I read posts and replies for a month before finding the courage to reach out.
Not all advice fits. Anyway, I believe that “advice” to others isn’t the best route, rather, questions, sharing experiences, information, resources, and suggestions is best, enabling another to fit the info into their own life.

I noticed you have an investigative mind, don’t you?
I felt you were very hasty to make assumptions and to draw conclusions about my life after a few brief notes.
Be careful about that, because others with less acuity will jump on your bandwagon, not necessarily because you said something wise, but perhaps only because it resonated with something within themselves that they want to connect with or be a part of. You have a responsibility if you’re a regular contributor here to be careful about assuming to much, diagnosing, and judging others.

I am very grateful for the parts of your help that I can use to help my mom and me. Best wishes.
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"She’s not happy with me now that I’m starting to stand up for myself. But she’s being careful."

Narcissists don't for people to stand up for themselves. My MIL sure didn't. They are cunning like a snake. They will appear to work with you, but then once your guard is down, they strike and you are back to where you were. Ask for the going rate regardless of your fears for you need to see where she really stands and where you really stand.
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Slartabart Jun 2019
I have appreciated your numerous comments. Thank you for those. I listened/heard everything that everyone gave to me in this extraordinary week of reaching out to others on this forum. Please see my response to JennaRose a few minutes ago.

Your comments on how to handle a “narcissist” have helped me to put my guard up. Others have said similar things, so I am doing so. It never occurred to me before, and I was a sitting duck. I don’t know whether she IS a narcissist or not, but she has enough of the features of that disorder that my eyes have opened in a different way than ever before and it has been helpful and productive. I would not have gotten to this place of you many good helpers out there.
As I wrote to JennaRose, I will fit what I need to into our lives, and proceed from there. Thanks again
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I agree with what Countrymouse said about the real issue as to why you don't leave.  I feel you still want your Mom's love and approval.  The reason I say that is when I was in my 20's and younger I wanted that from my Mom and never got it.

From childhood into my young adult years my Mom was very critical of me so I avoided her but deep down I still wanted her love.  Later on in life I learned to "accept" my Mom for what she was and even was able to forgive her (yes, I was in therapy).

It may take therapy for you to understand this and accept that you will never get what you want from your Mom no matter how hard you try.

You do have the skills to work for someone else and get paid good money.  Use those skills!  Walk out the door and leave.  It may feel scary at first but after a while you will feel so proud of yourself.

Best to you,
Jenna
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Slartabart Jun 2019
Thanks for your comments and for sharing your experience. Your story sounds so painful to have struggled through. I was glad to hear you were able to find some peace. It says a lot about you that you were able to forgive. I admire that and hope you’re doing well now.
Yes, I have decided to return to therapy. I haven’t found much success in therapy throughout my life. But, you don’t “fit” with every therapist, so I’ll try again.

‘The real reason I won’t leave?’ I haven’t decided yet what I will do, stay or go. I need to slow the pace.
I know that decision must be decided rationally, not in anger, and not without a lot of searching for the best alternatives. Many of you have provided valued ideas and support. Now I must fit the information into our lives as well as I can. Some of the advice given to me will not work in our situation and I will not simply abandon my mother without appropriate help and solutions in place. We can agree to disagree, but we must proceed with a good plan.
That may take some time, which both of us need.
That is why I don’t just leave. Paid or unpaid. I’ll repeat: I love my mother very much. We have just had a long-overdue blowout. It had to come to this because she can’t listen to reason or believe she is/was wrong in any way. She wants what she wants when she wants it! She’s 87. Still sharp, but not able to manage her own life as she once did, and that loss of control, for a control-freak must be awful.
The support of all of you good people, has helped me tremendously to sort the issues and to finally stand up for myself, and it has made a world of difference. I was ready to hear, so I am on my way, but it’s not simply a quick decision to make. It’s a process, over as much time as it will take to do the right thing.
thanks again.
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Slartabart - As you ponder and decide what is best to do, please remember:

--whatever you choose, you can and should unchoose if it doesn't work out.
--In your circumstances, you absolutely must put yourself first, or else you will be eaten alive again, as in used up and tossed out when done.
--don't let anyone bully or pressure you.
--you are NOT selfish. Anyone who asks you to put their needs before yours is the selfish one.

So glad to hear you're going back to therapy. It should be helpful once you find the right therapist.

Take care and do let us know how you're doing, good or bad.
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Slartabart Jun 2019
Since your reply, which was a good one, I have started standing up. Mainly, not “serving” her so much. She can do much more for herself and she should. It’s good for her, for her own self. I told her that yesterday, it’s amazing how much better she moves.

I am feeling that she told me she needed me WAY before she truly did. She could have functioned here, but perhaps she wanted to be waited on and have that security. Also, she wanted me to escort her to her Arizona home for 2 yrs., I guess. I have spent 2 yrs. preparing that home for sale. We did sell it this March, but if I had left the decision to her, it would have sold for $40-50K less. She was lucky to have me there.
i feel used.
Now that people have helped me see, not sure I can stay here. Unless we resolve this, i’d rather be alone in a novel, I think, with peace.
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I am so glad that you and mom both are doing some heart searching. It sounds like things are moving and that is always good, sometimes incredibly painful and shattering to our world, but good nonetheless.

You obviously have a good head on your shoulders and venting in a safe place and having the air clearing blowout with mom has been beneficial.

You keep standing up for yourself and following your heart, it will be okay!
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Slartabart, I agree, now you have the info, take it one day at a time. Maybe Mom will now take it more seriously. I agree, don't do anything while you are angry. I never say anything when I am hurt or angry. Those words can't be taken back.

Good Luck and return to tell us how things are going.
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Slartabart Jun 2019
Thanks for your thoughts. You know things get complicated. Since i’ve Set some limits with mom, she’s on the phone all the time trying to make herself feel better. Not sure how this will end. Likely not so well. Thanks for comments.
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Hang in there-I know it isn't easy.
I think the question I would (very calmly) ask is whether she would work 16 hours a day(or however many you work there?) for $500 a month? And take it a step farther.... Would any of her other children work for 16 hours a day for $500??? I would do the math and calculate what you are actually making an hour. And be kind and not figure time and a half or double time or even triple time! Lol. You can also arm yourself with the going rate for your area for renting a room. And, I would say... I need this much(whatever you think) to survive and if you can't pay me that much than I will have no choice to go get a job and take care of myself. It isn't what I want to do, but it is what I need to do.

I hope this helps. I know you care for your mom, and I hope she will meet you halfway on this.
Sparkles
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Slartabart Jun 2019
Yes, of course your comments help. If nothing else, it adds fuel to the fire that I must light under my a**.
my first thing is, I must decide if I can even stay. If so, your input will help me to figure a rate. If not, your info helps me to know my services are valuable. Thanks so much for your comments and help.
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