The same questions asked over & over...how do you cope with it?

Question

The same questions asked over & over...how do you cope with it?

Follow

Share

My mom has been diagnosed with Dementia and is now in the latter moderate stage. Any suggestions?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Burnout Dementia Behaviors Moderate Dementia

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

33 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

You answer over and over. You can change the wording of the answer that might help if she is not understanding. In most cases they "forget" they have asked the question and or they "forgot" the answer.
You can try to change the subject and redirect to another topic or better another activity.
What you can't do is get upset, frustrated, angry. Well you can get all of those things but you just can't show it.
If you raise your voice that will scare her or confuse her.
Try lowering the pitch of your voice and s-l-o-w down when you talk.
"We" all talk so fast that someone that has a hard time grasping what is being said gets lost in the conversation. And higher tones are some of the first lost so slowing down and talking in a lower pitch might help.
I read that it can take 30 to 45 seconds for a thought to be processed by a person with dementia. If you think about "normal" conversation in 45 seconds we are on to another topic, it is easy to see why and how it can be frustrating to keep up.

Helpful Answer (17)

Report

"What you can't do is get upset, frustrated, angry." Additionally, don't try to convince her what she is saying is wrong or argue. It is pointless and will only frustrate you and possibly anger both of you!

It is like having a toddler who asks the same things over and over. We have to just answer and keep it simple, but try to change focus to something else. Offer a drink, snack, other activity to keep her "busy".

This behavior is what clued me in to mom having an issue. It DOES get annoying and under your skin, if you let it! Mom still does this, often. During a recent visit, we were stuck in a loop. She was, as usual, reading the sale flyer in the paper and kept pointing to some slip on shoes, saying she'd like them (doesn't really need any!) and they are only $29! I showed her similar shoes at WM via my phone and they are only $10. She would coo over that, and then repeat the whole scenario! I asked the staff person nearby how to change the channel!!!

If you try all the "tricks" but she continues and you feel your frustration building, try to excuse yourself (bathroom is always a good reason) and move away from the situation. By the time you get back, she might have moved on to the next topic... Rinse and repeat!! Deep breath and try to move on.

(2)

Report

When taking my mom for a ride in the country side over to the foothills, so she can look at the mountains: Mom: You are such a good driver. Me: Thank you, Mother. Mom: Who taught you to drive? Me: You did. You were the only one brave enough. Papa thought I was too spacey to learn. Mom: Well, I should pat myself on the back. Me: Oh look at the horses. They are so pretty. Mom: You are such a good driver. Me: Thank you, Mother. Mom: Who taught you to drive? .......... Repeated every time we go for a drive every few minutes. I decided that it's a poem we recite when we go for rides. I can get her off on another subject for a few minutes sometimes, but it always comes back to I'm such a good driver. I guess it's because I don't run into other cars, off the road, or run red lights???? Good luck to you to not get frustrated.

Helpful Answer (17)

Report

A poem you recite! Round and round. What a nice attitude.

(6)

Report

See 4 more replies

When I was caregiver for my Mom I knew I would have to do something quickly to keep my sanity with all the repeated questions, because I knew she could not change. Oh my, what was it I was going to do? I thought....if 10 people each came into a room separately and each one asked the same question, I would think nothing of answering each person's question. So began the answering her questions with me staying calm and many times a smile on my face as I thought....ok that was the 5th person entering the room. Now I am using that same thought as my husband is doing the same. Stay calm and look for reasons to smile.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Yes, for me it can be as if my mom is the on time students and the late students who all need to get the assignment or be reminded of it over and over. You have a great way to look at it.

(0)

Report

My mother has Alzheimer's. She asks the same questions over and over and over every few minutes, sometimes seconds. She drives me absolutely crazy. Her repetitive and incessant questions are torturous. They gnaw at my very nerves and make me want to scream.

I can not pretend I hear the questions for the first time, nor answer as such. That's asking too much of my sanity. So, my way of coping? I nod, or grunt, or try to mentally block out her voice, or pretend I didn't hear the questions, or avoid being in her proximity, and I turn up the radio when she's in the car with me. This is my way of coping so I can survive this stressful caretaking journey.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

polarbear...

There are some good ideas here and some I'll add to my way of handling things. However, out of all the replies yours is the one that struck me the most real.

I just want to ((hug)) you.

If we're all honest we have have the same feelings/moments you have and if not it's only a matter of time before we do.

I've been the caretaker for my parents, my in-laws and an aunt for 27 years. Sometimes I shine at it and sometimes I don't.

If you need someone to vent to and just have an adult conversation with just ask for my email and I'll give it to you.

I'll include you in my prayers...

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

You have my sympathy, as I know how stressful the repetitions and questions can be. To my knowledge, there really isn't anything that you can do about it. I'd try to stay calm and answer each question like it's the first time you've heard it, because, you can't make her remember. If you point it out, she'll forget that too. So, continuing to answer is the only option. I think some caregivers get frustrated and snappy at the LO with dementia, based on what I read, but, that won't help either. I'd suggest taking breaks as often as you can and really arranging for respite time. It's crucial for your own mental health.

Oh,, if you think that she's obsessed with something or overly worried and anxious, you might discuss it with her doctor and explore medication. Sometimes, they may be obsessed and really bothered about something that they can't let go of and it's not so much just forgetting, but, obsessing. My LO was obsessed with her cat and was constantly looking for it, worried over it, wouldn't let it go, etc. Medication later, really helped her a lot.

I'd also keep in mind that most of the time, this phase does pass.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

If I end up on this path mom is on, I will likely be like your LO regarding the cat! =^..^=

I have more than one, have had cats since my college days, and the oldest has been with me 21 years now (in addition to her slow CKD progression, treatment for thyroid, and lung spots, she has now developed kitty dementia!! I can relate even more to the repetition - she gets into agitated states, yowling at the wall, doors, in the litter box, gets into agitated loops, sometimes falling or knocking things over due to some instability, and follows me around if I try to move away!!! It is very hard to get her focused on something else. FUN stuff!)

(2)

Report

Having been a teacher years ago and college instructor of the same classes, I just answer the questions as though it were many different students asking the same questions about the course content over again. The hardest thing for me after many years, is listening to the same long rambling stories my MIL tells about her family. I must have heard some of these stories 100s of times and I just grunt in agreement or laugh.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Wonderful attitude! Thanks for your great perspective.

(4)

Report

At first the questions began to bother but then I realized that every time the questions were asked its the first time for her .I do not remind her she already asked it it makes her feel sad because she doesn’t remember. So just keep answering them ...I would not want someone getting frustrated with me if I asked a question for the first time.(even if it’s technically the millionth time)

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Good tactic, though it's unclear whether some questions (or statements) really are "the first time" from their point of view. I've read that much of repeat-talking is about reassuring one's self that one's mind is still in order; a type of OCD. They can repeat things for fear of forgetting them altogether.

I wish there was a clear answer from people actually IN that state of mind. You're left trying to break through a fog that's always shifting.

(6)

Report

Um, my mother has dementia & constantly repeats the same stories over & over & over again. I will say with 100% certainty that I will NEVER miss this, no matter what. People here can lay on the guilt card talking about Oh You Will Miss Your Mother When She's Gone but guess what? That has ZERO to do with the irritating truth of the repetitious behavior which is beyond annoying.

I can also say with 100% certainty that I will miss my mother when she dies. But I will NOT miss her dementia in any way, shape or form. Period.

Let's get real here folks. There is nothing good about this disease or the behaviors it brings with it.

I wish I had a magic answer for you to help you cope with this situation. I don't. If I had that answer, I'd use it myself. My mother told me the exact same story 5x in a row last night when I spoke to her on the phone. I deal with this all the time at my job in a Memory Care community as a receptionist; one of the residents is allowed out to chew my ear off daily, saying the exact same things over and over again. Nope. Not ONE good thing about it.

Good luck, my friend. I feel your pain.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Yes you are right, I will miss my mother when she goes. In my mind she has already gone. This woman I care for is not my mother. She doesn’t know who I am, or anything about my life. She calls me a friend. This person has overtaken my life, I have become her prisoner. She cannot do anything for herself. She can only feed herself, everything else I have to do for her. If she had her mind or memory it probably wouldn’t be as hard. I really don’t have sympathy for her, she has no life to speak of, she sits in a chair, watching tv most of the day unless she is asleep. Has no memory of the previous day. If I bring her out, she denies that I was the one, it is some imaginary character who took her out. And yells at me saying I’m lying. And says i hate it here, I want to go home to my Mother.
So no I will not miss this Invasion Of The Body Snatchers!

(7)

Report

I have the same thing with my mom. I know she always mentions that why she can't think straight and how horrible feeling it is. She just wants to b put out of her misery and b with dad again in heaven. So I try to remember all the crap and repeating things when we were kids, vacations, road trips, grandma's house, etc. and all the times we were just a pain in the "ass" and that helps me through the tough times when she struggles to communicate
I think it helps alot to take 10 sec and realize that they didn't get to fill out an application to have this horrible disease. I will not let my mom down, even when it gets hard, because she was always there for us. Good luck to you

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

OMG my Mother asks the same question every night, how are we gong to get out of here and go home. She’s talking about going home to her childhood home in the 1930’s. Because to her I am her sister not daughter. And if I go and try to keep her company in her room it just makes it worse all she wants to do is get out of here. Even though she has lived with me 30 years now. She says:
I hate it here, when are we going home to be with Ma?:
she gets nasty about it. So I simply leave the room. Then she will make noise, hit her chair or table, yell out non verbal sounds etc. I go back in the same question? If it keeps up I will put her in her wheelchair and bring her in the kitchen while I cook dinner. Give her the kitten it helps get her mind off it. I am so tired of it!
My husband and daughter think it’s funny, but they aren’t here all day with her they go off to work and have normal conversations with people. I have to deal with it!

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

I get the same questions over and over too! My mother is at her home and I tell her so. She also wants to know where her children are, she thinks they are still little. I tell her that they are at my sisters house and that satisfies her. Then she will ask where her mother is over and over and I tell her she is at her house, she passed away 20 yrs ago. I have learned the art of little white lies thru an article that was on Dailycaring.com I also found out thru trial and error that the medication Ranitidine was causing it. After the medication was recalled I had to give her something else for indigestion that her sundowners questions have been minimal and both of us are a lot less aggravated.

The same questions asked over & over...how do you cope with it?

33 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions