Looking for a doctor for myself and don’t know where to start or what kind. I’m struggling with he fact that my mother has declined so quickly, I’ve placed her into a skilled nursing, my brother is not very involved and my father can’t make clear decisions for her care. I’m sad, scared and so disappointed in my father. I am a mother of 2 children and also managing my father, mother and all their problem together and individually. Not fun being the “sandwich generation”
I feel like I need therapy for myself to cope with grief, anger, anxiety before I loose my cool with my dad and ruin my relationship with him. Do I need a physchiatrist, phycologist, counselor- just want to research the right person to help me walk through this journey.
Sandwich generations are the participant group for many stress studies. I learned this a few years ago when I was a caregiver, and was surprised that this was the category chosen for the stress studies I was reading about. There are unique challenges for sandwich caregivers. It's an unprecedented level of demand on the caregiver, as their senior LOs are living longer and modern medicine tries to keep them alive for even longer, while still raising children and all the demands that come with parenting. I agree that you do need *something* because you're in an extraordinarily challenging position. I hope you find the right help, whatever it is.
I found this tentative solution one day a couple of years ago when my hub chased me out of the house because he was in a demented rage about something that wasn't even real. (I had the cell phone in case he needed help, and actually I voluntarily got chased out) Got in the car and escaped in tears down the road and just happened upon a church one block from the house.
The girl that talked me out of my tears was the daughter of the therapist, and asked me if I could go upstairs when he was upset and let it blow over. Best advice I had in a long time, and she was way younger than I. I set up a room so that I could take the cell in case he needed help, but he couldn't get up the stairs to follow me. But the point is, I remember that her mother was a therapist. And I may just go back there to see if I have someone to talk to.
Establish a professional relationship, which having someone to talk to regularly can prevent panic and benefit you!
That being said, look into counseling of some kind, or maybe a support group. But, DO NOT start any Benzodiazepines, as suggested below. They can cause dementia, and you don't want that.
Not all nursing homes are bad. Yes it takes research to find the right fit that will work for our loved ones. The same can be said for home care, there are nightmares that happen there too. Physical abuse, financial exploitation, sitting around in soiled diapers. It is everywhere and it requires monitoring, diligence and follow through to begin to address problems with our senior care system.
Your dad is a disappointment since he's not able to help you. On top of watching his wife decline so quickly I suspect he own mind might be in decline too. It would be incredibly helpful for you to have an impartial (unlike family or friends) person who can support you and acknowledge your pain, and accompany you with your grief. Stuff comes up every week and being able to talk about it and process it will help you feel better and be able to manage life more easily.
I would look for a Licensed Social Worker (LSW or LCSW) or a Licensed Counselor (LPC or LCPC) who is skilled in working with people dealing with caregiving. Google therapist and your city and a website from Psychology Today will come up. You'll see therapists in your area and you can see a picture, the description of themselves, the kinds of therapy they do and the areas of practice. You would look for caregiving, elderly, grief. There will be a link to their website and you can learn about them. Costs will be listed and many will take insurance and also have a sliding scale. Some even have a video. Call for a brief consultation--usually a half hour and that can give you an idea whether you'd like to try therapy with them. It's OK if the fit isn't right, find another. Psychologists will cost more and psychiatrists are even more expensive and will be primarily about prescribing meds. If you have insurance, check to make sure they will cover the therapist. Meds can be helpful but talk therapy will go a long way for you. I used to counsel caregivers for the Area Agency on Aging so that may be an option too. Caregiving, especially in a sandwich situation, is extremely stressful and difficult so it's important to reach out for real help that can be depended on, unlike family. Good luck.
Do you have POA? I would refuse to help until you get all paperwork together to make decisions. Get wills, poa, end of life paperwork together in 1 place. Those papers are extremely important. You don't want to be digging for them, or yor brother take off with them. You don't want all the responsibilities and no power to make decisions. Don't let brother have them, if your doing all the heavy lifting, but no way to get help/make decisions.
You can also have a coming to jesus with yor brother. If he's not going to help, you don't want him in the background complaining/hating what you did. He gets no say bc hes no help. I would also keep an eye out, he's not calling/visiting trying to derail your help, or taking things. My sibling blocked my help from another country via phone calls and took imp papers.
You didn't say if your dad is living with you or not. Get some help to help with your burden. It could be cleaning, laundry, meal making help FOR YOU. Or help for HIM, to do his cleaning, laundry, food prep for the week, check on him. You need help, delegate. Husband will have to chip in more 2. He can do baths, homework and meal making. He doesn't get a pass. There are utube vids to make meals for crock pot for the week or month. Takes an hour. Have groceries delivered. How old are the kids? Can they pitch in? Do dishes, learn laundry, help fold, dust etc. Be positive with their help. So they learn it's helping family, not as a sort of punishment. Have a movie night with them, so yor still connecting with them, or a fun few hrs out, even if it's a walk in the park.
There are places online you don't have to drive to. Just hop online. This isn't the only one. You can find a therapist online too. No wasting 2hrs driving. Look for one that specializes in depression, caregiver burn out.
https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/caregiver-support-groups
And take time for you. You matter too. Good luck.
If you decide to go on meds for depression/anxiety, (you didnt ask) go to a psychiatrist. They know proper dosing. I went to my reg doc. She gave me 20 MG, then blamed me, bc I said no change. Refused to prescribe anything else. Went to psychiatrist, and she said 100-200 mg is normal range. Psychiatrist can also recommend therapists.
Take care of you first, then everyone else. If you give yourself away first, you have nothing left and will burn out. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You can always vent on here too. Good luck.
Its best to start with the “least” thing, ie just counseling alone first, if that doesn’t help, then a low dose meds and see how you do for a while with each thing before trying another. If you are spiritual, try counseling with clergy. A psychiatrist is a “big gun”…based on what I’ve read in your post, I don’t think you need a psychiatrist.
I’m sure it’s hard not to be disappointed in father. He took care of you, and now he seems so helpless. Sadly, that’s what often happens. I’m not trying to be “flip” but don’t worry about ruining your relationship with your father…sounds like he won’t remember stuff day to day. Even worse, dementia patients get to a point where they start imagining things like you stealing or being mean when that’s not true at all. His mind will play such cruel tricks on both of you. Nothing you do can make it better. Get your counseling, try meds if counseling alone doesn’t help, get your father on meds and take things one day at a time. You are not alone and you will get thru this. Take care of yourself first.
Seniors in a Nursing Home is the worse place imaginable. They are all understaffed and unless you're able to do for yourself. You go downhill fast. From experience, you will sit in your own urine and feces. Your call button is never answered.
Best place for your loved one is at their own home not some strange cold unfamilar place.
You should hire Nursing Care to take care of mom in her own home. Thet is where mom will be the happiest.
You could set up cameras in the area mom stays in to keep watch on how she's being treated.
Nusing Homes all say and do what you want to hear but unreality they are a Business and trying to make a sell and they are not a nice place to be.
Let mom go home and you won't need to see a therapist.
Prayers
Getting old, losing your faculties, losing control of your body is a horror story enough. People don’t need to be scared further with stories of how bad some situations have gotten. Sometimes a nursing home the only thing that a person can do. Some homes are better than others for sure, but making a decision to put someone in a nursing home is difficult enough. All nursing homes are not bad. People can check them out, ask questions, do spontaneous visits and make the right decision for their loved one.
Your Dad is just as overwhelmed as you are - and if he is used to your Mom doing everything over the years, he no doubt is like a deer in headlights trying to be the decision maker now. Or maybe he's just plain tired. You don't say his age - but I'm assuming he is approaching or in his 90's?
The fact remains, your Mom is declining and you must step up and be her advocate. Meet with the facility administrator & nurse and discuss your concerns without delay. The more information you have, the more in control you will feel.
If I could hug you I would. As you can see from this wonderful site, caregiving is not for the faint of heart - but in the end you will feel great that you did all you could with the time you had left with your Mom. .
Go to your doctor. tell them you are a caregiver. Your Dr. will do the rest. They see this a lot. An SSRI helps block the stress hormones that rob your body. It's the best thing I ever did!
Now husband 61 has dementia.....
Life is so hard, challenging, distressing, grief stricken ....all the same turmoil, and fear......
I found a great Christian Counselling service for me and it really helped to put life into a better perspective. It's a great way to learn new coping skills and have someone to listen to all the ranting and crying and sobbing so that my DH doesn't have to bear, and listen to it all.
Start by finding a well recommended counsellor or therapist. A psychologist can help with testing and certain therapies. A psychiatrist is usually reserved for psychotic, serious mental disorders and meds.
God bless you, stay strong by taking good care of yourself, eat right and exercise!!!
Based on your life situation and problems coping, he or she can recommend a psychotherapist that might suit you best. A psychiatrist can prescribe medications to help you cope with your uncomfortable feelings while you also try other therapies for coping and caring for all the people in your life. You may benefit from talking with a licensed therapist/counsellor(can't prescribe meds), the psychiatrist(can prescribe meds), or a psychologist (can't prescribe meds) and working together to create new strategies for dealing with your life stressors.
https://madeforfellowship.com/counseling/
Ask for Becky White. It is free, and very helpful.
You cannot make siblings do the right thing. let it go, it is causing you more stress than them. If they have assets to bring, you might ask them to pay for needed items or services.
Counselors, depending on states may /may not be licensed. A good counselor will focus on practical strategies. Social worker is great, b/c they will know of resources to help your parents.
Being able to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved with the family is SO helpful. Just being able to say things out loud will help you to cope. Do this for yourself. Take good care of you.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/counseling-for-caregiver-burnout-126208.htm
A couple of others that may be helpful:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/caregiver-issues
https://ct.counseling.org/2019/03/the-caregiving-conundrum/
See if the book "Take My Hand: A Caregivers Journey" may be of help to you.
This group was a big help when my LO needed residential care.
There are many options for therapy, some social workers are well versed about aging issues and family deaths.
A couple thoughts, check with your insurance for coverage, but keep in mind that your mental health is valuable and worth protecting. If you do not mesh with someone who is covered by your insurance, pay privately.
Different therapists use different techniques not all work with all people. If the first therapist you see is not willing to try different techniques with you move on.
I was very lucky to choose a therapist who worked in a building I used to work in. She had worked with my daughter a year or so earlier. She was fantastic, she was willing to try different techniques when one did not work for me. I did not need regular medication, even though I had had a mental breakdown when my marriage ended. My doctor prescribed Ativan for anxiety attacks and after 3 years of intense therapy I no longer needed it.
I found my caregiver support group online almost 4 years ago now, and I can honestly say that they saved my life, as I was the 24/7 caregiver for my husband for many many years. We used to meet in person, until Covid came. Now we meet on Zoom twice a week.
And even though he's now been dead for over a year, I still attend the meetings to "pay it forward" to those still in the trenches.
You are wise to seek help early on as this journey can be long and hard, but it also can be rewarding in the end.
Stay strong and don't hesitate to lean on the one and only who can give you strength, and that is God.
Blessing to you and your family.
You're finding your dad is human and as an adult yourself, you're experiencing the shift from a parent/child relationship to becoming the parent to the parent. It's time for you to do some growing of your own and it isn't fun -- I get it.
Talk to your primary care physician to get a referral to a therapist. Try to keep the "losing it" events for the therapy, not for your parents or children.