I’ve been married to a very controlling, bad tempered, abusive man for 42 years. We separated five years ago for a year. I remained faithful but he had a girlfriend. We got back together and he was even worse than ever. A couple years later he developed Alzheimer’s and now I take care of him. I have been asked out by a wonderful man. Part of me thinks I deserve some happiness as I never had it with my husband. My conscience tells me, I can’t see this nice man. Life is short but I don’t want to go against God. I’m so confused! Please help
I am so glad you found your strength and courage. That must have been very hard.
It is not your fault he has Alzheimer's. Don't let guilt make you stay.=
Let his family take care of him, you have been through enough mental abuse and possibly physical abuse and I am sure they know that and they should have been there supporting you, sounds like they were not there for you... they can't expect you to stay after everything you have been through and then to shoulder his Alzheimer's on top of it.
See your gentleman friend to start with just as a friend until you can get your own life back in prospective.
If he is a true gentleman and great guy he will support you through the time you need to figure everything out. In turn that gives you time to see who he is and what he is about as well.
You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves bringing guilt and shame into situations.
Validate yourself that you are worthy to be happy.
Then take the steps you need to take to get to the place that you want to be, in a healthy self-love care for yourself.
Just take your time and don't rush a new relationship, develop deep friendships that will last.
Think about seeing a therapist for the sole reason of learning what is healthy in a relationship and steering away from patterns and narcissist type of men and abusive behaviors, it is a healing journey for you.
After going through some relationship therapy and grounding yourself in a healthier mind and spirit you will begin to see things fall into place and God is always there to guide you every step of the way, he is only one prayer away.
My saying is, "Don't let anyone steal your joy".
Be Happy and and start your healing journey......
I really think you should see a good therapist that is well experienced in the area of abusive relationships.
You need help to:
--sort out why you went back to this A-hole of a husband, and
--how to get away from him, and
--not repeat the pattern
--recognize nice men from controlling men
--how to value yourself so that you can find, date and establish relationship with nice men.
In short, you are not ready for a nice man. You can go on a date with this guy if you want, but it's too early to say he's a nice man.
This woman is no way ready to be dating or seeing other men for a potential relationship. It will be the same old same old until this woman feels self-worth and self-respect. She needs to surround herself with people that will unconditionally support her - and this may mean, at this time, only a professional therapist. "Many" men will see an easy target and take advantage. She shouldn't go near a dating situation and if in mixed-sex company, only be a group setting (during Covid, not recommended).
Source: https://mendingthesoul.org/resources/general/a-biblical-response-to-the-abused-wife/
Yes, go and date this nice man. It may help you to get some counseling before entering into another relationship. Many abusers start out "nice" and the victims have a high tolerance for bad treatment by others.
If you are attending a church where the pastor or others are admonishing/pressuring/guilting you to stay with your abuser, you should also divorce this church. I wish you peace and joy as you move forward to a better life.
You have your priorities entirely backwards. But that's what tends to happen with abusive men; they convince you that you're the bad guy and they're the good guy. That you deserve no happiness. Therein lies the trouble and the bald faced LIES.
Get rid of your husband by getting him placed into managed care, then file for divorce or at least legal separation, then embrace all the happiness life has to offer you, wherever you happen to find it, with whomever you happen to find it with. You deserve to.
It doesn't matter why you took him back but, you did and now you should severe the ties that make you question your activities. Because only you know your heart and what you believe about God. Don't listen to strangers on an anonymous forum to gain justification to go against your personal convictions.
Infidelity and abuse are valid reasons to divorce. Even if he now has Alzheimer's.
If you start today, you will be a free woman in about 90 days.
I appreciate your response here.
What kind of "nice" man asks out a married woman who is caring for her husband, Alzheimer's or not? That seems really weird.
I could see that happening if your husband was in a facility, but if I understand correctly, is he still home?
I see nothing wrong with having lunch with a friend -- even a male one -- but are you thinking there's more to this than that? If so, I'd be a little wary of a "nice man" who's moving in for the kill this way.
You need to discus things in person with someone...A person you respect and have confidence in.