I’ve been married to a very controlling, bad tempered, abusive man for 42 years. We separated five years ago for a year. I remained faithful but he had a girlfriend. We got back together and he was even worse than ever. A couple years later he developed Alzheimer’s and now I take care of him. I have been asked out by a wonderful man. Part of me thinks I deserve some happiness as I never had it with my husband. My conscience tells me, I can’t see this nice man. Life is short but I don’t want to go against God. I’m so confused! Please help
I see you are in Shrewsbury area. On a fine-weather day it would be fun to go visit Hills Farm Pond on Stoney Hill Road in Shrewsbury, with its associated “Secret Garden” walking area. I read a review by a local, and he first ate at a local Lebanese place called Beirut Bite, then went to the Secret Garden which is suitable for both kids and adults. The Secret Garden sounds like good fun, and the sort of place you can spend little time at, or a lot of time at, and return to to see more. Review link
https://allanwenchung.blogspot.com/2021/04/april-3rd-2021-secret-garden-in.html
Look at these tremendous photo snaps visitors have taken in the Secret Garden, I laughed at some of the sculptures
https://www.google.com/maps/uv?pb=!1s0x89e40951a5fd692d%3A0xcb2ff7f32d0ba8c9!3m1!7e115!5sGoogle%20Search!15sCgIgAQ&hl=en&imagekey=!1e10!2sAF1QipNds6X9AB5d9vWZDEkx5hrP2TIqhCkn2zVm7u2y&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjFgafnxKX1AhUImmoFHakZC1MQ9fkHKAJ6BAgBEDY
You deserve to now choose vibrant life, not cloistered abuse. Go for it! Come back and let us know how your life is progressing, we’ll be pulling for you.
Excessive control over who you see, even to stopping you.Visits, phone calls,all controlled.
Excessive negative assessment of what you do and how you do it. The eggs aren't done right, the house isn't clean enough. (as opposed to someone saying, "how can I help get this done, so such and such happens).
Blaming that escalates.It would sound like, "YOU did this and that" when you KNOW you did not. Of course, if you did,say yes, and you'll try not to next time.Encourage your person to use "I"messages,such as "when this happens, I feel...".
Unexplained absences. Or, conversely,WEIRDLY explained absences.
Upset when you become stronger, smarter, or more accomplished. (With me,it was going back to college.)
Unexplained illnesses that occur when the person is with you.
You become scared and don't know why. To this, you will be accused of paranoia.
Money starts disappearing, and you are accused of squanderingitwithoutthinking.
Unexplained bills coming to the home for items you did not buy. For me, one was a gold watch and the other was for Rat Poison.
You find yourself CONSTANTLY on the defensive. You may HEAR YOURSELF saying "I'm sorry" quite a lot. And, you feel you need to WALK ON EGGSHELLS to not"set off"your person. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD. In fact, my therapist said men who are abusive DELIBERATELY choose sweet, innocent church women because they know they control them. IN FACT THEY OFTEN USE SCRIPTURE to justify the abuse, (your husband is your head, and Jesus is his head, so women obey your husbands). That is pure EVIL to keep a woman in BONDAGE that way.
Can you just go out for an evening or if your husband needs supervision, could you hire a care taker for a few hours? I suppose you would have to explain your absence, and "I'm going out for dinner with Ben," would not be well received. You might have to make the break with your husband before you could continue with a new man. Becoming aware of legal consequences is good advice.
PS Dale’s answer on the money. A lot depends on the stage of alz.
Firstly, never accept an abusive relationship again.
Don't be afraid to allow the development of a healthy relationship with the "wonderful" man. Start by developing a strong friendship and see how it plays out.
You deserve a "night out". Take the new relationship slowly. Your situation will serve as a natural vetting of your new "friend". Be honest with yourself...
Is he supportive of your caring for a person that has Alzheimer's?
Your husband is and has been abusive. He is lucky to have someone that has tolerated him up to this point.
With that being said, I tend to think that you kind of signed up for caring for him when you took him back. Now, what kind of care should he get is part of your decisions going forward. If he is in late stages of the disease; placement in a facility might be in order.
If you remain discreet and respectful, you can hardly make a decision that God would ever condemn. You have been faithful and continue to be dutiful.
On the divorcing... I'm not sure that I would go down that path unless you truly just want to be rid of him. There are so many factors to be considered like financials, etc. Divorce can be very stressful, etc ...
Bottom line, be good to yourself. Allow your new "friendship" to develop slowly (if at all possible). Never again settle for an abusive type of relationship.
Trust that you are wise to your needs and trust your instincts when accessing the new relationship.
You need to take care of yourself. You have been a loyal partner that has endured more than anyone would ever expect. I do not believe that your life requires further sacrifice on your part.
May God bless you. May things begin to play out and get better for you.
I say go with the nice man who asked you out. Why not? Life is short and everyone deserves a measure of happiness at some point in their life.
Do you really in your heart of hearts believe that God will have a problem with you having a bit of joy in life? Don't be a martyr. Being married for 42 years means you're not a young woman. If you're getting a chance at romance and happiness at your time of life, you should consider it a gift from God. Not something worthy of punishment.
Put your husband with Alzheimer's (who should have been your ex-husband a long time ago) in a nursing home then go and have some happiness with whatever good years you have left. Screw anybody who has something to say. It's your life and you deserve to have some happiness.
I do think you should consider spending some time with the "wonderful man", as if he is as wonderful as he seems, the experience could be uplifting, could help restore your confidence, and help you move forward past and out of the dilemma you now feel.
I also don't understand why your conscience fells you that you "can't see this nice man." To me, that's reflective of the emotions and whatever kept you in the abusive relationship.
You need to self validate that you're worthy of being treated respect, develop a plan and go for it.
may Love and light guide you to happiness.
That is BS. Total victim blaming and obviously nobody ever beat the crap out of you.
This messed up attitude is what makes getting out so hard. Because people like YOU blame the abused for what a sick, cowardly, POS did to them.
A survivor of abuse doesn't have any guilt or shame for their actions. When you are in survival mode, you just survive.
You should think about your shame and guilt for saying something so ignorant and unhelpful.
Edited to add: you owe this controlling abusive man nothing. Move out, move away, divorce. I would not look for help for him or AL or NH or any other care. Do NOT keep on caring for this man. TAKE care of YOU, NOW.
1. Do not open the door with the new guy until you are happy with yourself first and healing from abuse otherwise the new guy could abuse you and you will take it,
2. Divorce your husband/cease any and all contact with him because you deserve better,
3. Stop caring for your ex and let his family care for him or else he becomes the state's problem. He is no longer your problem,
4. Invest in some great therapy and heal yourself before taking on any new relationship to avoid being abused any longer,
5. If you decide to still care for your ex, put your foot down and demand he is nice to you or else (fill in the blank),
6. Make a decision and stick to it. Do not waver. Be strong, be fierce! You can do it,
7. Get close to God. Let God be your guide,
8. Learn to love yourself as you love God. You are your best friend!
I have been married also to a abuser however, mine is verbally. I would suggest if I may, to think things out clearly. You have every right to happiness. Have a date, but get to know yourself first. Therapy is essential. It will provide you a opportunity to be clear minded of your decision for yourself. Take care
Give it at least two years before seeing someone.
Go out and enjoy yourself. Why are you taking care of him? You should have divorced him long ago !
Leave now.
I am so glad you found your strength and courage. That must have been very hard.