I’ve been married to a very controlling, bad tempered, abusive man for 42 years. We separated five years ago for a year. I remained faithful but he had a girlfriend. We got back together and he was even worse than ever. A couple years later he developed Alzheimer’s and now I take care of him. I have been asked out by a wonderful man. Part of me thinks I deserve some happiness as I never had it with my husband. My conscience tells me, I can’t see this nice man. Life is short but I don’t want to go against God. I’m so confused! Please help
"God doesn't expect you to stay in an abusive situation."
Please understand what this means.
And what do you mean "won't be too hard on me" --- do you want to hear the truth as we see it or support you to continue to feel you deserve to be in an abusive relationship?
* You are very wounded - for decades.
* You need professional support.
* Change is hard although it is possible. You are the only person who can decide to take the necessary steps to untangle the psychological, emotional and spiritual wounding. We can only support you to do your inner work. We all have to do it - no matter how much outer support / words (from all of us).
* WE WANT YOU TO SUCCESS IN HAVING A LIFE based on you feeling and knowing how self-worth and self-respect feels - and how a person behaves accordingly.
I'd say it's long past time to dump your religion (with its invisible deity) if you think it condemns you to more suffering. Or at least reinterpret the Bible less literally.
God wants you to value yourself.
God wants you to develop self-worth.
God will give you the courage to change if you want to and truly believe.
God wants you to do the inner work you need to do to feel good about yourself. If you do not, you will be repeating similar self-abusive behavior. The man may change although you will remain the same, and subject yourself to behave in self-destruction "I do not deserve ..." ways.
"We teach others how to treat us."
If you are with another person with psychological / mental health, self-esteem issues, it will be another self-destructive relationship.
You have to decide what you want and be willing to do the hard inner work to change - one step at a time, one moment of awareness at a time. You will need to feel through the pain and all the 'inner negative messages' you hear inside and say "NO. I am NOT listening to you any longer."
There are millions of books on self-esteem development.
Find one that works for you. And be committed to your own well being.
Gena / Touch Matters
You need to discus things in person with someone...A person you respect and have confidence in.
Anyone who tells you otherwise isnt prioritizing your happiness.
The woman needs to feel self-love, self-worth, self-esteem.
She needs to learn to value herself and feel she deserves to be all she can be. She is wounded and needs to address many issues over many years of abuse / self-abuse.
It doesn't matter why you took him back but, you did and now you should severe the ties that make you question your activities. Because only you know your heart and what you believe about God. Don't listen to strangers on an anonymous forum to gain justification to go against your personal convictions.
Infidelity and abuse are valid reasons to divorce. Even if he now has Alzheimer's.
If you start today, you will be a free woman in about 90 days.
I appreciate your response here.
In sickness and in health, forsaking all others.
If you didn't vow that, you are free to do as you please.
I really think you should see a good therapist that is well experienced in the area of abusive relationships.
You need help to:
--sort out why you went back to this A-hole of a husband, and
--how to get away from him, and
--not repeat the pattern
--recognize nice men from controlling men
--how to value yourself so that you can find, date and establish relationship with nice men.
In short, you are not ready for a nice man. You can go on a date with this guy if you want, but it's too early to say he's a nice man.
This woman is no way ready to be dating or seeing other men for a potential relationship. It will be the same old same old until this woman feels self-worth and self-respect. She needs to surround herself with people that will unconditionally support her - and this may mean, at this time, only a professional therapist. "Many" men will see an easy target and take advantage. She shouldn't go near a dating situation and if in mixed-sex company, only be a group setting (during Covid, not recommended).
As for whether or not dating after this marriage is morally correct, seek counselling from your local faith leader or elder. make sure that their guidance it grounded in your holy writings.
It is not your fault he has Alzheimer's. Don't let guilt make you stay.=
Let his family take care of him, you have been through enough mental abuse and possibly physical abuse and I am sure they know that and they should have been there supporting you, sounds like they were not there for you... they can't expect you to stay after everything you have been through and then to shoulder his Alzheimer's on top of it.
See your gentleman friend to start with just as a friend until you can get your own life back in prospective.
If he is a true gentleman and great guy he will support you through the time you need to figure everything out. In turn that gives you time to see who he is and what he is about as well.
You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves bringing guilt and shame into situations.
Validate yourself that you are worthy to be happy.
Then take the steps you need to take to get to the place that you want to be, in a healthy self-love care for yourself.
Just take your time and don't rush a new relationship, develop deep friendships that will last.
Think about seeing a therapist for the sole reason of learning what is healthy in a relationship and steering away from patterns and narcissist type of men and abusive behaviors, it is a healing journey for you.
After going through some relationship therapy and grounding yourself in a healthier mind and spirit you will begin to see things fall into place and God is always there to guide you every step of the way, he is only one prayer away.
My saying is, "Don't let anyone steal your joy".
Be Happy and and start your healing journey......
Sing to her as ye may,
Maud says she begs your pardon
But she wasn't born yesterday."
[Joyce Grenfell's wonderful response to Tennyson's poem "Come into the garden, Maud"]
You don't want to go against God. I don't believe God expects women to suffer through your type of marriage. How do you know that God didn't send this man your way? Maybe God is giving you happiness after so many years.
Just sayin' not sayin'.
You need to work out for yourself what your personal God would insist on here. For many people (including me) it would be to put the abuser in care using his own money, start divorce proceedings, and move on to make the best you can out of the rest of your life. Don't make a martyr of yourself.
My main reservation is to do with whether the nice man really is a nice man, or whether you might be taking a risk. I'd almost like it if he came onto the forum and let us interrogate him as to his intentions. As to is it okay for you to live a little - sure, long overdue and well-deserved. Take care of yourself, please, and don't rush into anything you're not sure you're happy about.
Once his wife went into a care facility he went and ate lunch with her every single day. And spent his evenings with his friend.
I am not passing judgement on you for finding happiness.
Yes, be gentle on yourself, but make serious inquiries according to your conscience. You always are free to not follow what God wants.
I had spent 10 years alone after a divorce. How I understood the bible was:
1. God allows divorce due to infidelity. (But this is not His perfect plan for marriage). Note: Your husband committed adultery, and is abusive.
2. If an unbelieving spouse leaves, let him leave. You are under no obligation.
Note: Would you believe the bible if you read where it was an error to 'remarry'? (get back with your husband after the infidelity). I don't understand it either.
3. You may be free to remarry under certain circumstances.
Ask yourself:
What kind of a "nice" man asks out a married woman?
So, you might want to learn how to make wise choices so as not to end up with an abuser or adulterer a second time. Statistics show that is a very real possibility, unless you take the time to learn.
You might want to figure out ahead of time what your standards and beliefs are, and go by your conscience. There is nothing wrong with waiting until after you are divorced to start another relationship.
My comment may fly in the face of many with different beliefs, but you said that you don't want to go against God. If you read carefully, and understand,
Alva's advice and mine are basically the same.
My advice is: Wait until you are a widow or divorced before starting a new dating relationship.
I wish you the best.