I have been financially and physically supporting my mother since the age of 17. I'm 49 now with no accomplishments or success because of it.
She is my only relative and the only thing I know. I used to think she loved me but now I'm not so sure.
Today she called the police on me. I am at the end of my rope and in a difficult situation.
Send her an email that gives her 30 days to transfer her social security check to a different account as you will be closing the account. Stop paying for anything and don't give her any money.
Block her number, cancel everything that you pay for that is in your name.
Move on with your life. A house that has water damage from no maintenance is not worth the cost to tear it down, besides you have all the awful memories that go with that address.
You deserve to be treated kindly with love and respect, she will always make you feel like you don't deserve any better because she doesn't and she is projecting her self loathing to you. Break free and create a family that is based on love not blood.
Great big warm hug!
Even if she changes the locks, she can't cut ties with me as she is no longer on SSI (she is on regular social security and collects only $500 a month) and her check goes into my bank account. Her cell phone, utilities, pet supplies and food would cost way more than she makes and that's not even counting insurance and taxes.
She constantly blames me for her not remarrying someone who could "take care of her". Yes I would get upset when she went out but she chose the losers who abused her and none of them were marriage material. When I point that out she brings up the fact that no one wanted to stay with her because I had a deformity (I was born with a birth defect of my jaw) and that it scared off potential suitors. Even when we get along (rarely) she will instigate an argument by saying "I dont want to hurt your feelings but you are getting so fat I feel bad for you" and pretends that those are words of encouragement.
Everyday she reminds me of how much pain she is in and it makes me feel terrible because I can't do anything to help and she wont do anything to help herself. I spend 3 nights a week at the house and the rest of the week I stay with my friend (she called him for help the day she called 911 and he told her she could get me killed by calling the police...I overheard her on the phone and she was screaming at the dispatcher saying I was going to kill her! )
When I visit, I maintain the yard, do all the dishes, maintain all the weeds that grow in the sidewalk, do all the laundry, pay all the bills, grocery shop, cook, clean the house.
I recently bought her an internet plan so she could watch Netflix as before she knows had an antenna. The trade off was supposed to be she would let me get rid of the other 3 TVs in the living room. That never happened.
I never got married or wanted children. Because of this she has called me an abnormal freak and says I have deprived her of grandchildren.
Sometimes I wonder why I turned out this way.
My mom was only 17 when she married my father and when they divorced she went a little crazy with her newfound freedom. The marriage was already failing when they decided to have me. I sometimes wish I had never been born.
She was never serious about a career & wasted time on a few losers. We had a house with a mortgage (the same one as today) and although rent was only $200 a month, we struggled. I am an only child and my whole childhood was struggle with her going out every weekend. I had separation anxiety and would worry like crazy everytime she went out because she was drinking heavily on those nights and driving home intoxicated. I think I even had an ulcer from worrying. My grandparents supplemented our income but she would fall 3,4, 5 months behind on rent at times. My child support was only $200 a month and she didn't make much of a salary. Eventually she went on welfare.
At the age of 17 I got my GED and she immediately told me to get a job. I did, and my income added to her welfare kept us afloat. All my friends took off for college and I was working 30 hours a week at $4.50 an hour.
Sometimes I would hand my check over to her for bills and she would instead blow the whole thing on clothes for us both. When I'd tell her I didnt want the clothes she would call me an ungrateful bitch (clothes bought with my money!)
She has always been this way. Always relying on someone else to support her or take care of her.
When my grandmother died, my grandfather started supporting us. When I got my first job, he would still give us $200 a month plus pay, maintain, and buy insurance for our car, pay our property taxes and house insurance.
In 1995 I started to show interest of leaving my mom's place, and she started collecting cats. She also started hoarding. I became attached to these cats as well so in 1999 when my mom suffered a back injury and said she could no longer work, I stayed.
She signed up for SSI disability insurance and it wasnt enough to cover all expenses so I continued working and living with her. She told me it was imperative that I help pay for everything because one day she would be leaving me the house.
My grandfather died in 2000, I fully took over all the large bills that he once paid.
Working 40 hours a week, supporting my mom and all the cats I had no time for friends.
Now, my mom's condition is worsening because she has gained weight. I try to get her to exercise. Change her diet. She refuses. She doesnt leave the house. She has terrible hygiene and continues to hoard. Most of the cats have sadly passed on.
For the past few months my mom has been locking her bedroom door and carrying the key with her. Thursday night I found out why. I managed to get into her room and saw a huge watermark on her ceiling. She withheld this information for months! A new roof could cost me 20k. Thursday night I broke down in tears and begged her to help me clean the house. I was so stressed i had chest pains. She promised (for the 100th time) to make an effort. She took 2 grocery bags and said she would start throwing away all the paperwork she keeps laying around. The next day I woke up and saw she had torn only ONE piece of paper in the garbage bag. I held it up and said "is this it??" and she smirked at me and said "yeah, funny huh?".
I lost my temper and basically had a melt down. I threw a stack of her paperwork onto the floor and again BEGGED her for her help. I stormed outside to do a load of laundry and when I came back upstairs she had locked me out. I was in pajamas and had no phone. She stood behind the door and said she was calling the police on me for screaming at her & throwing her papers around.
I had reached my breaking point by then & tried to push my way inside. I ended up breaking a glass panel in the front door. I feel terrible. She emailed me today to say she is changing the locks.
Is there a reason you felt your mother "needed you" and that you didn't leave, or did it just kind of become your way of life?
It is really difficult to give you any help with your situation as you describe it to us. I think we might help with a separate issue combed out of it. But overall, if there is a yearning now to be one your own and to have a life separate from Mom you might need professional help.
Let us know if there is a specific question you have for the forum. There is such a widely diverse group of people here with a little knowledge about just about everything. Welcome to the site.
This maybe a crossroads for you. There are choices you will need to make and find the resources you need to make informed decisions. To help you, we need more info.
To fellow members, what I see here is someone who has financially supported another person. I doubt if there is any money for Assisted Living. And from her profile, Mom would not hit the criteria for LTC with Medicaid paying for her care.
Time to get out and live your life. What would you do if suddenly mom were gone? What are your wishes?
Take control of your life. No one else is going to do it for you. Not too late at this point but could be soon. Your mother is not your responsibilty.
And why are you supporting your mother?