Sadly, this site is filled with caregivers whose siblings couldn't/wouldn't help care for parents in need. For those who cared for their parents while dealing with absentee siblings, how is your relationship with your sibling(s) now?
This is on my mind because we just had the one year anniversary of my MIL's passing and no communication between my husband and his brother. Hubby had a good conversation with his sister that day but didn't care to reach out to his brother or hear from him.
Ive spent several years visiting veterans living in NH.It gave me a strong sense of empathy to act on when needed
Today most peoples problems in self absorption lye in a failure to develop what Dr.Low calls a total personality.While no one are saints,sinners or martyrs we must always seek the greater good.over our self importance.
My family while far from perfect has stuck it out.No divorces yet,lol
Another point to remember while we may dislike behavior of some family we can never divorce them.Once a brother or sister always a brother sister.
So never give up persuading those weaker there is redemption.
Peace is the purpose of life.To make ourselves and those around us peaceful."
Dr.Abraham Low founder of Recovery Inc.in 1937 and author of
In the meantime, the lawsuit dragged on and cost Daddy hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It was a big mess.
My brother did many other things to make our lives miserable. Fortunately he did not understand Texas criminal and civil law like I did and I just worked each problem as they popped up.
It was a rough road we traveled, and as much as I would like to have a good sibling relationship with him, he cannot be trusted.
I made sure that my brother was treated well at the funeral and had the flag presented to him.
We took he and his family out to lunch after the funeral and had a nice time.
Then, about a month or so after the funeral he demanded by text to know all of the deposits made into Daddy's account for the last six months. Not the expenses, just the deposits.
I answered that I would be happy to answer all questions to the Executor (a third party entity because I refused the position).
He apparently sent an email to the Executor that worried them so much that they further refused to act as Executor.
He has always had the reputation of being a bully. He will not change.
Maybe in the future my young niece will wish a reconnection. That is my hope.
Yes it was hard struggling alone with “morale support via phone” occasionally. Yes it was difficult when they “helped” by ordering a different door instead of same type replacement when police broke down original. Dad couldn’t understand how to open the door and frequently locked it from inside unwittingly making great fun for getting in to him!
If I were to think about it - I could come up with lots of such issues. But my parents are at rest now. My sibling has their share of the money. I’m not going to waste one second in negativity. I did what I could and because I felt it was right to. God deals with anything else - not me. I’m enjoying the memories of making my parents laugh or smile despite pain, dementia etc.
my four sisters decided to turn their back on the very people who brought them into this world, who loved them, and was always there for them, never letting them down either.
BUT when the shoe was on the other foot, they were no where to be found. Not a call, no drop by, not even a card was sent. they made it clear to me that they were to busy with their own lives to
find the time to chip in at all. They were so busy that not one of them and or their children came to my parents wake and or funeral.
disrespectful to say the least.
but guess who called the day after my parents were buried wanting to know what was in my parents will and what they would get.
I had the pleasure to tell them "NOTHING" just like you gave them and hung up never to speak again.
in my book this is so disrespectful and so unforgiving. I don't see it any other way.
I had four sister in my life at one time. I now have four ex-sisters whom I will never forgive or forget the pain they added to my parents on there death bed.....
Your sib(s) actions demonstrate the lack of love and respect for the parent(s) also, which to me is the biggest offence. These people who gave them life, housed, fed and clothed them, loved them....are being tossed aside because their "usefullness" is gone. These sibs have lost more than they can ever fathom. I pity them...and wonder what will happen to them when they need what they would not provide.
Fast forward forty years, (twenty of those years in which I stayed away entirely), guess who is the main caregiver of my physically and mentally failing parents?
My sibs are varying degrees of helpful in my parents' care, but if one was measuring in fahrenheit, it's a tad chilly. Given the generosity with which they were treated over the years, their varying levels of assistance and their subsequent reaction to tasks required of them has been eye-opening. (Geez, welcome to my daily existence, don latex gloves and shut up already.)
When my folks are gone, my contact with the sibs will be minimal. They're mostly reasonable, decent, and certainly much better than many siblings people have been describing. But that being said, I also realize with certainty that we have little in common beyond blood. By my standards they are rather self-involved and not people with whom I wish frequent interaction.
Holidays will be adequate.
I swear your siblings act just like mine. They never had any use for me. So guess what? Now I have no use for them.
of shopping and Dr. visits. In the several years since I have moved back to my former home I've thought a lot about the various sibs. Some were and are grateful that I was willing to care for the folks. Some still think I'm "bossy" and won't answer emails. For a while I had a mantra that went like this: I'm an Only Child.
I will say that caring for my folks gave me a chance to come to terms with my really poor childhood. And that was a good thing. And now that my Mother is seriously demented she is happy, really happy, for the first time since I was a kid. An odd thing, but it makes me happy that she is finally happy.
BetseyP
Way to make a palatable beverage out of sour-tasting produce.
Well done, you.
My youngest brother is absent because of trouble with the law, although he would take money from her if she would allow it. The other one is little help (but is her favorite and her POA for health care and executor of her estate). He and his wife are caring for HER father, but spend very little time with my mother.
So, no, my resentments about their lack of help are how it is for me and I don't feel guilty about it.
“For the past 14 years I have dealt with a sibling who thinks that my parent's problems are mine because I live closer. I've had to deal exclusively with my father's dementia and other medical problems until he died and am now doing the same for my mother (minus dementia). He only lives about 250 miles away but only comes to town on holidays and special times like Mother's Day, etc. I was expected to visit with him when he decided to show up and act like nothing was wrong, which I did for a long time. I became very angry about his non involvement and had it out with him a couple of times to no avail. He thinks it's my attitude and not his fault. About four years ago I had it and decided I was going to break relations with him. In my opinion, he can come see my mother at her assisted living facility (on his semi-annual visit), call her on the phone, or whatever. Just leave me out of it. I continue to handle my mother's medical, financial, and emotional needs without having to deal with the additional stress of dealing with him...”
So, the question is, “How is your relationship now.” My answer, “no change”. My mother (age 96) has had a couple of crises since my previous post and I would advise him via text message about her status but as briefly as possible. He continues to make nightly courtesy calls to my mother at her assisted living facility and talks mainly about himself and politics. He averages two visits per year to see her, stays about four hours, and heads back home. So, I am content not to have to see him or deal with him when he does come to town. My mother continues to defend his non-involvement which I understand because she and he are a lot alike. So, I continue to do what I think is right in regards to my mother’s welfare. I see no grand reconciliation with him in the future whenever my mother has passed on.
Bro. would not do anything for our dad after he suffered a serious stroke unless he was paid. During the eleven years dad lived post stroke I took care of him. He was able to continue living in his own home for five years after the stroke, moved to AL for four years, then NH for the remaining 22 months. During the years bro. had himself named conservator, which I did not contest, never dreaming he would proceed to sell off everything he could lay hands on, pocketing the money. He criticized everything I did, but never helped. In eleven years he prepared dad's meds once when I had the flu, only to double dose him on some of the them. Luckily dad suffered no ill effects. Bro. even managed to cash in a $6,000 CD (certificate of deposit) my dad and I owned jointly, and tried to force me out of my house b/c my dad's name was still on the mortgage at that point. A judge decided I needed to re-finance my home to remove my dad's name from the mortgage. Guess who pocketed the difference in my re-finance? By the judge's decision it was supposed to be a refund to our dad for his part of the mortgage.
Thankfully, our half-brother treats me like gold, and we get along perfectly. He was not involved in the care of our dad for various reasons, and truly did not need to be, but he and the younger brother are also estranged b/c the younger bro. told us all (all family members) many years ago we were not good enough for him.
When my mom decided to sell her house she moved into my bro.'s home, which she previously owned, but had signed over to him years before. I'm sure she finally saw the attitude she had created in my bro., but would never admit it. I'm afraid he abused her too, but again, my mother would never have turned him in.
After all this and more, why would I desire to expose myself to such a poor excuse for a brother and son? I chose to forgive him, but stay away for my own safety.
nor do I make any effort to contact him.
its been almost 3 years.
I am quite happy to leave it be....soon to become ancient history.
After mom passed, dad had me contact another lawyer to make the necessary corrections to his will, and other documents, spending more good money after bad. This put a target on my back, because I’m sure that my brother and his wife thought I was behind it all so I could steal from him. ( they did not know that I was supporting him myself after mom died).
After dad passed, things only got worse. Dad made me the sole executor. I went out of my way to be more than fair, expecting the vilification that was certain to come.
When it came time to divvy up dad’s estate, the claws really came out, and it was a nightmare. My SIL was the greedy one behind it all; my brother had been rendered useless by her narcissistic demands decades ago, so it was whatever she wants, and she was our for blood to get all she could from my parents’s estate, no matter what.
In the end, lawyers, delays, accusations, etc. destroyed any chance for my brother and I to have a relationship. I’ve moved on—I did not come away with even half what my parents’ wished for each of us, but I have memories, self-respect, respect from others, and my head held high. I miss my brother terribly, and wish there was a way forward but realistically, not while his wife is alive. I hold out hope, but do not hold my breath.
Knowing what I know from having gone through all of that, I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but I’d be a lot more aggressive in protecting my interests and not be trusting that the people I’d known for years, trusted as my siblings, would have my interests at heart.
Be supportive of your DH, but not judgemental - sometimes "old wounds" are reopened when a sibling isn't doing their "fair share" of caregiving. You really don't need to mess with DH's sibling rivalries/histories.
You surely don't need to carry the blame if you push him and things turn sour.
My brother was good at short term overly solicitous attention but not good for the long haul.