It has been a while now since my mother passed from Alzheimer's.
I remember the hardest things for me was not that she suffered Alzheimer's but rather confronting my own awareness that I didnt wish to care for her, and that this was due to the abusive childhood I suffered and estranged adult relationship. There just wasnt a relationship there. It was painful to confront those bad memories and the realisation that I didnt really have a family, which was something I did not really think much of or often as it had been pushed aside in my mind. There was lots of pressure from other wider network family members who seemed shocked that I didnt adhere to the requests to caregiving time or money. I ended up providing some care, although it was more once every couple of weeks. And didnt provide any money. People were judgmental but they didnt know the reasons and rather saw it through their own lived family experience rather than mine. When she passed I didnt feel sad. Rather, I was relieved that her suffering was at an end. I didnt really feel like I had lost a mother as I never really thought much of having had one. Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
It's so hard makes your past so much worse. Your always looking for signs that they are sorry for what the did, signs they change.
Well I'm someone that didn't listen to my gut. Did what everyone expected of me, and what others said. " It's your mother" and it's so darn hard!!
So what I'm trying to say is you absolutely did the right thing.
I hope that you can find a way to only do what feels right for you. I did find that very difficult to balance though.
If anything , you did it right , you did it right by setting boundaries and limiting the time you spent with your mother .
Those others had no right to expect you to do more .
As you said , your mother’s end of life has brought up issues regarding your upbringing . I recommend speaking to a therapist .
Again, you did it right rather than allowing yourself to be sucked into a situation you should not have been forced to do , nor were you comfortable with. Like you said others did not understand because their experience was different .
And yes , many of us with abusive parents like you did not set good enough boundaries like you did due to the pressure and being judged by others and sufferered for it .
Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal , including feeling relieved .
You’ve got this.
To everyone else, my mother was sweetness and light. To the immediate family who knew her, she was mean, nasty and two faced. Which makes things much harder for US, because the act these women put on portray them only in a positive light. So obviously, we are the Bad Guys for not wanting much to do with them. Shrewd, isn't it?
A few times in Assisted Living moms mask fell off and the real her was on display for all to see. The caregiver was in tears and the nurse was white in the face with shock. Yeah huh? Welcome to MY WORLD folks!
I did a lot for my mother, but it wasn't hands on caregiving but managing her life instead. I ordered snacks for her, brought her clothes and necessities, arranged a pizza party with the grandkids, things like that.
When she passed at 95, I felt relief. That she was finally at peace after a life of misery, and I was off the hook for doing more for her. By that time, I was almost 65 and ready to stop all the jumping thru hoops I'd done as an only child my whole life. I'd never felt like I had much of a mother to begin with, right wrong or indifferent, and I'd grieved that loss long before she actually died.
You're not alone. Until the others who judged us walked in our shoes, they had no idea whatsoever of what our mothers were really like.
Just as everyone isn't cut out to be a parent. Not every woman gets googly-eyed looking at infants. I myself would have been quite content if my husband had not wanted to have children. I love my two kids, and am so glad I had them, but the prospect of motherhood, at least to me, was "meh". I feel the same way about grandkids - I know there are people out there who just can't wait to have them. If my kids choose to have children, I'm sure I will love them, but I certainly won't feel any lack in my life if they choose to remain childless. Or feel as though my kids have somehow failed me by not supplying me with grands.
The point is, no one should feel compelled to or be forced to give care to another human being if it's just not in their wheelhouse to do so. Especially since there are other options at hand - maybe not perfect options, but options nonetheless.
Thankfully I lived many states away by that point, but even if I'd been in the same state/city, I would not have done anything.
And while I had forgiven my parents many years ago, I have no regrets and I like you honestly felt nothing when they both died. It was almost like they were people that I had known long ago and were now strangers which in reality they were.
And I had always said that if I were to cry when they died it would be for the parents that I never had and should have. But in my case, no tears were shed for either, ever.
It sounds cold to write that, but when there is abuse involved, we as survivors of that abuse must do what we need to to protect our mental health, and do what is best for ourselves.
Thankfully I've never been one who cares what other people think about me and what I should or shouldn't be doing, so that was never an issue that I had to deal with, and I really like the person that I have grown to be despite years of abuse.
God turns ALL things into good for those who love Him, and love Him I do.
I pray for only good things for you as well.
Sending much love ~
I think no matter how little you do or how much you do, we all have that feeling inside of us. That's why we are here to keep grounded
You should never care for anyone who abused you.
I've even wondered if I was switched at birth, 😆
A pretty mutual decision ten years before caregiving, I didn't see much of my family.
I was mentally unwell, left my family, got mentally well, began caregiving mom, became mentally unwell again.
So the commonality is my family.
I've been really getting clarity on things just being here
My siblings cheered me on with promises of help “anytime” - “just let them know”.
That honeymoon lasted less than three months …
I was told to “expect these kind of things”, it’s an “ages & stages” issue, she’s mentally a toddler & my fave “you just gott PLAN for it” …
I finally quit after six years …
Mom was visiting my sister in California …
Now I sleep thru the night ….
The anxiety & depression have subsided …
My sister is trying to guilt me into changing my mind …
MY MENTAL HEALTH MEANS MORE!
The message to you is to always do right by YOU —- YOU ARE VALUED!!
We are all products of our environment - and you did what’s best for you!!
Stay STRONG :)
I take a fairly hands-off approach to helping, managing his care long-distance (he's in a group home, I deal with his financial matters and sometimes go up for his doc visits and to visit) because that's who _I_ want to be, rather than because I HAVE to. I've accepted that that is all I can offer without destroying my own mental and financial health. I don't have someone to support me if I stop working to full-time caregive. And I don't make enough to support paying for full-time at-home caregivers without leaving myself financially vulnerable in retirement. Certainly it's better for him than if he'd not had kids and had had to
manage without me. It doesn't feel great...but I don't think anything
else would feel better. And I have to draw these lines or I'm burning myself to keep someone else warm.
Luckily, the only one judging me is me. No one else, frankly, has stepped up to help Dad, so they don't get to judge how I do it. If that's the case with you, maybe that's worth thinking about: the people who judge are sometimes the people who feel guilty because THEY didn't step up to do something. It says more about them than it does about you. As you said, they don't understand the situation, and frankly it's not on you to make them understand or to beg for their forgiveness. You've done your best, and that's it. Case closed, move on. If they can't let go of it...then that honestly smacks more of guilt on their part than anything else.
I completely understand your feeling the way that you do and I hope this will help. I was not abused as a child really, but my dad was a strong disciplinarian. My mom was a weaker personality and she just followed my dad's actions. I had a childhood that I would describe as stressful.
Skip to the final 5 years of my mom's life. She and my dad lived across the country from me. My dad was always a drinker but his drinking really escalated. Then he lost his eyesight due to macular degeneration and not following his doctor's advice. My mom was very angry but constantly voiced that she had no control. For 4 years as my mom slowly sunk into dementia, they would argue and scream at each other. My mom would then call both my sister and I and engage in long calls about her inability to control my dad's drinking and how she was going to divorce him. After the first 3 years of this, my sister and I knew that she was not going to leave, she was just going to continue to call, cry, and scream about the situation. It did not matter what you suggested or how hard you tried to help. She was stuck and she was not going to do anything positive to alter the situation.
Finally when it was really clear that she could no longer control the living situation with my dad, now blind and drinking everyday and all day, my dad fell. It was the second or third time that he was hospitalized and the nurses knew my mom was incapable of caring for him. I happened to be in their state (NY) because I had traveled there to take my mom to the neurologist to have her tested for dementia. I told the hospital staff that my mom was incapable of caring for my dad and he needed rehab. He was sent to a nursing home. We told my mom her option, because she would not agree to live without my dad by her side, was to sign herself into the nursing home with him because she could not live alone - she had dementia with all the side effects (paranoia, visions, and a lot of anger). She signed herself into the same NH as my dad so they were together. She was a lot of work but the NH was great and worked with us to keep them on the same ward.
I did not cause their situation. I tried everything under the sun to get them help. I pleaded with them to move to assisted living (they had more than enough money to live at the best senior facility in the US), but no place was nice enough for my mom. I called and found in home help and my mom slapped the caregiver and was extremely difficult to work for. In the end, she ended up in a nice nursing home but she was never happy.
She passed away two months ago and I am relieved. Was she a horrible person, no she was not. Did she try to help herself find a better situation when she knew that she needed help, no she did not. Did she expect my sister and I to drop everything in our lives (we both live far away and have homes, kids, and our own issues), yes she did. Did she help us find a solution, no she stood in the way of getting them help and keeping them safe. Am I angry at her, YES I am.
She has passed and I am truly glad that she is no longer in pain. I have her ashes and I will spread them on top of a mountain near me that over looks San Francisco. Will I do this to my kids - NO I will not. Did she forever alter my perspective of her, yes unfortunately she did. But she is gone now and I too have a hard time remembering a feeling of love for her. I am still doing pretty much everything for them. I do all of their finances (which is a lot). I call my dad weekly and talk with him. My sister and I gave up years of our lives to make sure our parents received the care they needed. It's what you do and I should not feel guilty, but I do. Maybe that is why I am so angry.
In addition to my own job, husband, 3 kids, and most importantly, caring for my own mental health which is in shambles since this all started. I’m in therapy. It’s more venting than anything else. My husbands mother also has dementia. He’s an only child. My sister is in Florida and NO help.
Bottom line, id rather go to therapy for my guilt than do something I REALLY don’t want to do.
Hats off and applauses to everyone who tackles the task of taking care of their parents, I for sure would not have survived.
Some of my relatives were also mad at me for not being my dad's full time caregiver. But, they are now thanking me for what I did for him. I'm thinking someone told them the truth. You are right, often times people just do not know the whole story.
Who cares what they think. Thinking is free. But when they feel they can EXPRESS this negativity I would exit their premises at once. No one has a right to judge you.
You didn't cause your parents woes. You can't fix them. As to your input from others just tell them with a shrug and a smile "Gee, guess I am about as inadequate as a child as my parents were as parents! Go figure!". Laugh and walk away.
Eventually we grow up. It has then to be a choice whether to stay in abusive situations with abusive people or whether to go and make a great life in which we choose people who encourage us to be STRONG. Martyrs get such BAD TREATMENT! Read any book on the Saints and you will understand this. I particularly recommend A Tremor of Bliss by Paul Elie. It is SUCH a kick!
My mom had colon cancer the last 14 months of her life. I couldn’t afford to go see her and for whatever reasons my brothers didn’t go either. I am forever grateful that her stepfamily took care of her. Their relationship with her was completely different from ours and I’m sure they couldn’t figure out why we didn’t go see her. We were sad but it was evident that people who came to her funeral had a whole different experience of her. But I was relieved that I wasn’t going to be subjected to her unpredictable criticism over the phone. My dad died five days after entering the hospital at the age of 88. His wife took wonderful care of him. In past conversations my brothers had with her, she didn’t believe dad was the way they described him. When my father died neither my brothers nor I cried when he died. You can’t miss what you never had. I shudder to think about the prospect of caregiving either of them. Years of therapy taught me how toxic they were and I had to preserve my mental health.
I’m sure there are residents in nursing homes who have no visitors and people wonder why. We don’t know the story. Some are indeed forgotten or have no family. But others abused their children.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Others did not walk in your shoes. There have been very sad entries here from caregivers who took care of abusive parents. The abuse got worse and they were incredibly worn out, sad and angry.
I was cross when one of my Mum's carers told me to visit my mum more often, and that I will miss her one day.
I love my mum, but I had my reasons for only visiting once a week (sometimes less) despite living within walking distance. They're my reasons and I don't have to explain myself to anyone else. Nor do I need to feel guilty.
You love your parents but are not obligated to their caregiving. Use your judgment.
I do not have the FULL story or history behind the relationship to make a sound judgement.
You can ignore the people that say "you should do this or that" or the ones that say "I would have done this or that"
A simple way to stop this is to say...
"Great I am glad you can help out, I will see you on Tuesday at 10, you can take care of Carol while I do some errands"
You owe no one an explanation so don't even bother.
My own experience or reaction:
GOOD FOR YOU.
While having such a painful childhood, and abusive at that, its a wonder you did anything. And you did. Give yourself credit for that.
I would strongly recommend you get into therapy to deal / heal your past. Even though your mother died, she is still very much inside you. That wounding / trauma doesn't 'just' go away on its own. It takes committed work - to process through it. Most people need a therapist to do that - not everyone. (I needed for decades and couldn't afford - I did a lot of very holistic work on my own (although I have a background in counseling/communications - on the path to becoming a psycho-therapist, which I didn't).
I just spent that last 4-5 hours in an Attachment (or not) workshop with Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuro-psychologist. I would encourage you to consider joining his Wed night 6pm (PT) meditation / Dharma talk. I joined Rich's meditation evenings when I was in the earlier stages of grieving a loss and realized that I needed something. I thought of Rick and decided to commit to every Wed night, which I do. He gets close to 400 people in Zoom every week - from around the world. It is really something.
In terms of how others' respond. They are in the dark as they do not know the history / trauma - and you certainly have NO ... RESPONSIBILITY to discuss with them. Realize, this is THEIR stuff, not yours. I believe we 'let go' of others' judgments / feelling / whatever when we feel a sense of self-worth / self-esteem - and that takes inner work. As the saying goes:
WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS YOUR BUSINESS.
Give yourself a lot of 'pats on the back' and credit for reaching out here.
This is not easy stuff emotionally or psychologically to deal with - it is hard.
On top of that, there is grief and relief - all mixed up. I would venture to guess that you grieve the loss of a mother you never had, 'too.' Perhaps like me with at father I feared. I would say he was emotionally abusive. Certainly, that relationship affected me / my relationships with men my entire life. My mother wasn't really there for me either although she had lots of her own emotional wounding. She was 'nice' if not over-protective.
Try writing affirmations - positive thoughts about yourself.
I used to do 10 a day when I had difficulty getting out of bed. I would give myself a point for taking a shower. This exercise helped me shift from thinking ALL THE TIME of what I was doing WRONG or not doing ... to being aware / observant to what I was doing 'right' or helpful / useful to myself to move forward. It was huge. Every little plus counts. Even being aware of taking a deep, mindful breath.
I recommend Brene Brown's book(s). I am still reading THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION. She is amazing. Funny, well-founded at a Ph.D. in social work / especially in the area of SHAME. She speaks from her own experience which is very helpful.
Continue to reach out to us. Let us know what you are doing. Here's a hug.
Gena / Touch Matters