My parents are 81- My Mom has moderately severe (Stage6) Alzheimers. My Dad wants to keep her at home, however, he has refused most outside help and Moms behavior is getting hard to control. He is so burned out and it has become a combat zone. I have been trying to manage the situation from 800 miles away. He has allowed the visiting nurse to come in every few weeks to assess Mom and he gets help twice a week with bathing Mom. I have talked about moving her in with me as he wants to keep her out of a nursing home as long as possible. He has not educated himself on caregiving at this stage and I don't think its safe for either one of them. I am afraid the 13 hour car trip will be tough to pull off with Mom in her current confused state. Any advice would be appreciated.
* First of all, my mom gets stiff and might get blood clots, so we need to stop every hour to have her get out and walk around.
* However, she has a hard time getting in and out of the car, so getting her to the rest stop is hard for all of us. She doesn't use a wheelchair and so we just have to help her get to the rest stop and back to the car, but I'm not sure if the wheelchair would help. Even with that, her tail bone hurt and she had a hard time of things the next couple days after the trip.
* We did stay in a motel one night because her plumbing went haywire and, poor thing, when she heard me softly breathing in the night, thought she was in the hospital. She was so confused. She kind of understood how to work the locks on the motel room door, though, so if she'd been wanting to leave, she actually could have done so.
With regard to your mom, consider whether you need to stop quite often. Consider whether you could stay in a motel (would she escape? would she be traumatized in a strange place?). Doing the trip alone could be a chore. In my case, I could depend on Mom sitting and waiting for me outside the rest room. I don't know that you could count on your mom doing that. Would the two of you be comfortable sharing the handicapped stall as parents do with children? That's the only way I can think of to watch her 100% of the time, though, but it's no guarantee she'll cooperate (and maybe you're not that comfortable with it, either, I would ask).
Sadly, I am literally waiting for the phone call that something awful has happened. The plan was to bring Mom out to my house for awhile to give him a break. I am afraid once I move her out here- and he has some time to decompress he will either try to drive out here- which is not safe, or want me to take her back there. I also have an 11 year old and am a little apprehensive about Moms behaviors and I don't want to scare the child. I have already started to make arrangements out here for Mom with outside resources available- in the event that we do move her out here. I think the separation will kill him. He is not ready to leave their hometown although he has totally isolated them, and I am the only person he trusts around Mom.
I made appointments to look at several memory care units with him on Thursday. I think he will be surprised at how nice they are. Wish me luck. It seems at this stage of the disease there are no easy answers. The visiting nurse told me today that she doesn't feel it is safe for either of them for Dad to continue to be her caregiver.
Can you suggest some housekeeping help to remove that task from his agenda? Perhaps an overnight aide/companion a few times a week to allow him to sleep through the night?
Changing surroundings for Dementia patients is very hard on them. If he would agree to the move to your home, you should accompany them on the trip, he would never be able to safely do this alone. If they were to make the trip to your place, are you able to have them for an extended period of time? It could be several years.
Can you make a trip there to assess? Hire a service to report back to you? Visit some memory care places with your Dad when you go into visit? Most 80 years olds have visions of depressing nursing homes, And (if finances allow) some of the memory care places are much more attractive and appealing. If it is close to his home, he can visit each day.