After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

My mom has been in an assisted living for two weeks. She is 87 years old and couldn't live by herself any longer. She was confused at home on her own, didn't like anyone that we hired to take care of her either She suffers from mild to moderate dimentia. I have two other siblings but she's the closest to me. She's had her ups and downs. The facility is excellent, beautiful and has a very tight knit group of workers. They all know the residents names etc. They have 24 hour nursing on staff so she is well taken care of constantly.
When she is down, she calls me and demands that I come over and get her out of there. She says she wants to go home etc. When she is up she says that she'll get used to the place and it's not so bad.

They have exercise, bingo, outings, social hours etc. They even have Mass on the premises.
I've gotten to the point that I don't want to pick up the phone when she calls. When the phone rings and I see her number, I get a pain in my stomach. My husband told me that I'm making myself sick. I know that I made the best decision and picked a great place for her. So the pain in my stomach is not guilt, it's awareness that she's going to beat me up on the phone call.
The wellness director advised that she needs her space and I shouldn't go running over there every time she calls. She said I have to be strong since it's probably harder on me then on her. They told me that she's is fine and if there is any emergency, I'll hear from them. Can anyone share how they cope with these phone calls from their parents? I would greatly appreciate it.

I just found this site today...thank you
We placed my mother in law in a personal care home back at the beginning of July and she is making us miserable.
She can no longer be left alone she is 89. She lived in a elder community and complained about that place for years. She had her own apartment there but after issues with pnuemonia and sugar levels last winter we started looking into alternatives. We totally left the decision up to her, we did not push, and one day she said to us that she thought this would be the best move.

However, she does complain daily about how she wants to live with anyone of her boys. She has 5 boys and 1 daughter. The daughter lives away so that is not an option.
Mother in law can be very mean and nasty, she is very negative. You cannot carry on a decent conversation, nothing is good, everything is bad......etc. so it makes it a very trying time when you go to visit.

She now says she cannot stay there any longer, she wants out. We have to get her out by winter because she soesn't want to moving in the winter.

Dear hubby cannot do enough for her, nothing makes her happy. He jumps through hoops to make her happy all to no avail. When we come back from visiting he is miserable feels guilty and gets very depressed. I don't want to visit any longer. It's just too trying!!!

Any suggestions??

Yes, I suggest you distance yourself from this black hole. I know, I have a Mother like her. Right now she lives on her own but is never happy or satisfied no matter what we do for her. It is never enough. She lies, is negative and plays favorites with her two children. She claims to want to go to a nursing home or assisted living but just wait, she will hate it. If your MIL does not have dementia and is just a miserable person, you have to learn how to deal with her. She is probably used to behaving in this manner and getting what she wants. I cut my Mom out of my life for about 6 months. She deserved to be completely cut out. We are now speaking but this gave me time to truly understand what I was dealing with. Believe me, she will not control me any longer. Good luck

I wrote the previous question about my Mom who's 87. I know that your mother in law is 89 and you said she can't live alone. So why are you moving her? I've read on a few posts, that the more you move them, the worse it gets.

I don't know about your mother in law, by my Mom has mild to moderate dimentia. She was afraid to live by herself, wanted to move, was all by herself during the day and most nights and now she wants to go home. Now she eats with people, can walk around the facility and is not alone. But she's still not happy. Her house is for sale and she really can't go back. She can't drive and shouldn't be living by herself. She also complains every single day. At times she's down right mean.
I have POA for my mom and have been taking care of her expenses for the past 5 years. She can't come home since she really can't take care of herself. However to hear my Mom tell this she's perfectly capable and there's nothing wrong with her. Not to mention that she may have been overmedicating herself when she was at home. I'm not going to go into what she did when she lived by herself.
The advise I would give you and your husband is back off and don't let her words affect you. This is way easier said than done. I've taken the AL's staff advice and I shut down my cell after 7:30 when I'm home in the evening. The AL has my home phone and if there's an emergency they know they can get me there. She has sundowners syndrome and gets really bad (mean and angry) at night. It was making me ill every time the phone rang. The sad part about this is that I used to talk to my mom three times a day. Now I don't look forward to callling her at all. I actually don't look forward to visiting her but I do. When she gives me a hard time, I tell her that I'll come back when she's feeling better. Then she backs off. I was told that it could take a month or so to acclimate herself to the surroundings and probably 6 months for her to feel like it's her home. It may take longer for her.

As far as your husband jumping hoops, yes I know that feeling. My brother witnessed me going to her room and running around like a chicken without a head as soon as my mom complained about something I tried to fix it immediately. I think that that's the guilt in us. I've started to back off since I know that she knows how to pull my strings.
It's going to be hard for your husband to do this. I know since he sounds just like me. But I feel so much better not taking her calls in the evening. Believe me it was the best advice I received and the best advice I can give.

Good luck.

I always heard from "the experts" that it takes an elderly person about 3 months to adjust to a new environment. My dad moved from Okla. City to live in an Assisted Living Facility near my home in Florida recently, and it was a little rough at first for him, but right at the 3 month mark, and ever since, he has been all settled in. It was well worth the wait!

backing off, distancing and detaching, not answering the phone, not staying when they are miserable to you, not running around trying to fix every little complaint, - these will save your sanity and will not hurt your parent, My mother who is qute well for her age would have me engaged daily following up on her complaints - which to me are just the ups and downs of life. It is a lose lose siituation in that nothing ever gets resolved. I have observed that she doesn't really want things to get resolved, mostly she wants attention and the more attention she gets the more she wants. I have virtually cut contact but am in contact with those people who care for her and will be advised is there is a real problem. The stress was affecting my health and I strongly advise anyone who is on this kind of situation to set limits to protect yourself. Some oldsters get very narcissistic and demanding. Mother has had Borderline Personality Disorder all her life and is narcissistic and wants everyone's life to revolve around her. It is not healthy and I have to set the conditions that are. Take charge of your own life, look after yourself and look after your parents needs as appropriate, - notice I said needs, not wants. Mother used to complain that none of us lived very close to her - she moved to where she wanted to and expected I would give up my life to come and wait on her. Not going to happen - my life is here and I help the best I can but from a distance. She is well cared for and that is what is most important for her and I have my own life and that is important to me. In fact, family agree, she would not be any happier if I was there at her beck and call as she has been unhappy and a complainer all her life no matter what the circumstances so one of us many as well be happy.

jbist, Thanks for posting this. I will pray that my Mom will adjust in 3 months. I'll consider myself lucky if she adjusts in 6. You've given me hope!

emio, Thanks for your response. I'm weening myself off in small baby steps. Hopefully I will get to the point where I don't jump at all my Mom's commands and I won't feel so guilty. I'm getting there but not there yet.
Thanks again.

@ rdf - Good for you - the guilt is hard and she will play it for all she is worth if she is narcissistic. Healthy relationships are not based on guilt. cmag writes about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - all tactics of manipulators and bad reasons for you to act - they are not love. I have also found that doing anything out of pity or feeling sorry for someone never works out well for me or for them - so I have to catch myself on that one. You can do it and you will feel so much better about yourself and your life. It is a matter of setting healthy boundaries and not letting her control your life. Your life is yours to control. ((((((((hugs)))))))). Doing right by people also means doing right by yourself.

My husband and I are relocating to a new part of our state and are going to have to move my mother to another ALF closer to our new home. I don't think there will be a problem when I tell her that she will be leaving but going into another facility instead of with me, now that can be a problem. I'm hoping she won't pitch a fit when we get her to the new facility. Has anyone else been through this circumstance? How did it work out? She insists that she can live on her own, but I don't feel the same. Should I tell her that could be a possibility but after we get settled, but in the meantime she needs to go to the facility. It's a VERY nice place but will have a roommate, and I think that is the problem, no privacy.

I was faced with this very same situation last January. My 79 year old mother was extremely unhappy in her senior apartment. She even threatened to jump off her balcony. She was making everyone who came to visit unhappy, even the staff was concerned. After one month I decided to move my mother into my home. The decision was tough on my family. My husband supports me but it has put a tremendous strain on our relationship. My daughters went off to college thinking their grandma is a total "nut". Now, after 9 months of living her she still thinks she is just spending the night. She has no memory of living in the senior apartment. She asks us the same questions over and over, like 100 times a day. Its a very difficult situation and you should consider every other option before moving her. In retrospect I wish I would have given it more time at the Senior Apartment. Hope this helps, I wish I had had this forum prior to making my decision! Take care!

My mom is 93 and healthy physically. But a stroke 5 years ago took away her short term memory. She was living alone in a small WV town 500 miles away from me. We finally convinced her to move her to a beautiful assisted living facility near my home. She has a one bedroom apt...she even brought her piano which she plays every day. HOWEVER.....all she has on her mind is "going home". We are in a support group. We have tried redirecting her conversation without any success. She is fixated on going home. She thinks she has only been here a few days when she has been here 18 months. The facility does a great job trying to get her involved in activities. But she is focused on going home to the house she lived in all of her married life. Her memory issues are severe. At one time she was calling us 30-40 times a month wanting to go home. I took her phone out at the end of last year and since then she has written me a 150 letters telling me she has enjoyed her vacation ? ....but she is ready to go home now...whenever I can take her. We have tried to go over WHY she cannot continue to live alone that far away from family.....but she FORGETS our conversation within hours . So we are exhausted...frustrated....and hope someone who has dealt with this can share some ideas. She is not a mean person and is very kind.....just wants to go home. Cannot reason that she would have no way to get to the store, pharmacy,bank, doctor, etc.....just wants to go home. We have her to our house for family get-togethers and she burdens everyone with the going home questions. Impossible to redirect her at times. Her long term memory is fine.......but her short term is basically gone. If we visit her on Monday she will tell folks on Tuesday she hasn't seen us in weeks. She just doesn't remember us being there.
Help........from Atlanta, GA

My mom did/does the same thing. She thinks she is "spending the night" at my house. When she says she's ready to go home I tell her "Mom, you are home, you live here now". Sometimes this upsets her, sometimes she is grateful. When we first started this journey it was really bad! I had her doctor write a note that simply says "It is unsafe for you to live alone. You need the help of another for your safety. Thank you and God bless you" and the doctor signed it. When my mom gets unreasonable about going home, I show her the note. This really seemed to help, and this way it wasn't something I was doing to her, it was doctors orders!

I really like the idea of a note from the doctor!

Many people with dementia constantly want to go home. My husband did, in spite of the fact he was at home, living where we'd lived more than a dozen years, with me, sleeping in the same room, eating at the same table, etc. etc.

There is no guarantee that even if you could arrange for your parent to "go home" again that that would solve the problem.

Well, it's been 3 months now for my MIL and no improvement.
She wants out of there...NOW!!! Wants a family meeting to see which one will take her in.

Jojosmeem, is your MIL in AL or a nursing home or ...? Is there anyone in the family able/willing/tempermentally suited to taking her in? Just because that is what she thinks she wants doesn't mean it is practical/possible.

If it were settled that where she is is going to be her home, is it possible that she'd go about adjusting to it? What kind of impairments does MIL have? What is the AL's view of how well she is adjusting?

MIL is in AL. she is very hard of hearing but other than that she is relatively healthy.
She however, does have a very negative attitude.
We all work, there is no way she could move into one of our homes. Our house is not equipped. She has issues with lfting her legs.

Hmmm ... so if she calls a family meeting and all of you participate in person or by speaker phone, the outcome is likely to be that each person will explain why it is not possible to take Mom in. Then what? Will that bring some closure to the subject, and encourage her to make the best of where she is?

If the meeting quickly established that living with one of her relatives is not possible, could it move on to what her specific complaints are about where she is? Then you could agree to look into them and work on ways to make some of them better. You want her to know that you love her and are not abandoning her, even though you cannot give her what she thinks she wants regarding where she lives.

You may also talk among yourselves ahead of time, and accept the likelihood that, given her negative attitude, she is not likely to accept reality graciously. Plan how you will handle that, and remain upbeat, loving, supportive, and with your boundaries intact.

Good luck!

I have a 94 year old fairly healthy (physicaly) aunt that we just had placed in an assisted living facility about 4 miles from us and her sister (my mom). She has been here about 8 months now and has failed to adjust. She refuses to eat in the dining room and want us to come to go get her meals for her. I work 60 hours a week and Mom is 86 now and has all she can handle to care for herself. Mom and I have been taking turns delivering items she needs/wants even though she is provided three meals a day and daily housekeeping and weekly laundry service. She refuses to allow the housekeeping to change her sheets or help her with showers (that I paid for) She refuses to leave the apartment for dentist appointments (her front crown fell out) or to visit a doctor to establish a primary care physician in this area in case she needs one. She does see the house doctor once a month as she comes to the building, but what would she do if she became ill..that doctor would not be available locally. She doesn't take her meds properly and refuses patient services help in any matter. HELP!!!!!!

may I also mention that she is experiencing disturbing signs of dementia...Auntie seems to think there are meters in her bedroom walls that keep her awake at night....she calls mom and i no less than 40-50 times every day with various complaints...she called me at work at 7 am and said she found a lump in her vagina and needed help...so that is when i made an appointment with a dr. now she says she doesn't need a dr. and took care of the lump by poking it with a needle!!!! really? I am afraid for her health and she refuses to let us help her....what am I to do...she doesn't have anyone besides me and mom....

Wow, Gayle, that is a heavy load for you and your mom, especially emotionally.

It certainly does sound like dementia. I know that you are associating this with the move into AL, but please understand that if mental deterioration is going to occur, it is going to occur whereever the patient is. A change in surroundings may trigger more noticeable acting out, but it doesn't cause the underlying pathology. In other words, this is not your fault for moving Auntie.

It is possible that she is at a point where assisted living is not sufficient. You made an appointment with a doctor and I hope you can get her to keep it. Alert the doctor ahead of time of what the real issues are. Perhaps this visit could be a springboard to having her evaluated.Talk to that doctor. Talk to the AL visiting doctor. Talk to the AL staff. Perhaps your aunt needs more direct care and supervision than an AL is set up to provide.

Meanwhile, save your sanity! Set some boundaries. Do not accept 40 calls a day. Set some times for calls, and screen the calls the rest of the day. Don't answer hers. Tell her that outside of the "family call" times, she needs to call the AL staff, and if it is an emergency they will call you. She can call you at work only between 11 and noon; the rest of the day you have meetings and conferences and your boss does not like people to take many personal calls during the day. She can also call you at home between 7 and 8. (Obviously you can set whatever times you like.) And she may call her sister between 2 and 4. That's it. All the rest of the day you both will only accept emergency calls from the AL staff. Alternately, you can schedule times when each of you will call her. Accept no calls from her. This maybe sounds tough, but your mental health is just as valuable as hers. Take care of it!

I hope you are not actually delivering her meals three times a day!

Love this poor woman. Reassure her that she is safe. If possible get some medical evaluation and possible treatment of symptoms. Advocate for her. Determine if some other setting would be more appropriate for her. But set boundaries to protect your mother and your own mental health.

Best of luck with these difficult tasks.

My mum has recently been sent to an assisted living facility especially for people with dementia. At first we had to tell her that she was being sent there for convalescence since she had a heartattack about six weeks ago, it seemed a good way to 'get her there; but now shes beginnig to ask how long she has to stay there and she thought this was only temporary. Every time i leave she asks me whats happening with her now and will i be back to pick her up, today she asked me this and i said no that she was stayin there and then she said that she had no stuff with her , like a night dress and the like and that she had nowhere to sleep, we had just come out of her room about five mins before that !!! I know its only been four weeks and the care workers have assured us that she will settle in and that nearly everyone that comes there asks these questions of their loved ones when the visit.....

Give the staff additional information about your mother it allows them to redirect in areas that are familiar to her. Ask the Activities Director to engage her in the activities of the day, if she is not interested in any of them, it allows an opportune time to get her involved and vested.
2 weeks is not long enough, she's home sick for her past.

I hope it helps, it works wonder at my AL community.

Billy-for your own piece of mind could you visit less often-that way it would not be as stressful for you-it may take a long time for her to accept being there-it should lessen in time.

It is a hard decision to make, but sometimes the only alternative is placing a parent in assisted living or nursing home. And it will take time to adjust. As long as they are not mistreating her there, give her a few months. It took my dad about 6 months to settle in. They had to switch roommates a few times also. It is a big change for them (and you) if they are confused to begin with, moving them to another place will just add to the confusion. THey will get used to the routine there and interact with others that live there eventually. The staff knows how to handle this. I found that going several times a week in the beginning to make him more comfortable helped. I have tapered my visits to once to twice a week for about an hour at a time. Your mom will be happy to see you again when you visit. Just be patient and give it time, you will all be better off emotionally and mentally in the end.

My mother has been the same way. We have explored several other places, but came to the realization that no place would make her happy. She would like to live with me and have me personally meet her every need, but because she is a constant complainer, nothing ever right, and very, malignant narcissitic person, my whole house would be unhappy. Plus, I would have to move my 94 year old father in too. It would be too much. My advice.... if her needs are met, the place is clean, and you have a good relationship with the staff, leave you mother where she's at. A move would make things worse. Save yourself inorder to help her.

I am amazed and saddened by how so many look upon their parents when they get dementia and need our help, our understanding and our love. They put up with an awful lot from us when we were growing up, often way into our late teens or early twenties. Why is it that children, then, wimp out when the parents need us to put up with them? We try to assuage our guilt by attempting to convince ourselves that this, that, or the other nursing home is good and they are getting fine care, but the majority of these places are less than adequate and do not meet the EMOTIONAL needs of the parents who raised us. I read some of these letters and feel so sad. My husband has dementia, and I would not dream of moving him out of his home that he loves so much. He will die in his home, not in a nursing home; not on your life!

She needs more time to adjust -ask her what is her biggest complaint and try to fix it if possible some things he will have to live with-any thing you fix will b replaced with another complaint.

My MIL would complain to distant relatives about the ALF to the point where they wanted her out of there. But when we visit, we see her happily engaged in social contact, activities, resident meetings. As for complaints being filed, she told us, the nearby relatives, not to file any complaints, she was afraid she would be "in trouble". So very possibly you are being played. It's her little ploy to make you jump up and run to her side. Don't buy it.

willows, I’m so sorry - I cannot fathom what it's like for you or anyone else to have your spouse stricken with dementia. My dad had Alz, but having your spouse have dementia involves so much more on so many levels. Your comments hit a nerve with me because they struck me as being a bit judgmental. Many of us are not "wimping" out when our parents need care or "assuaging" our guilt about our parents being in AL or NH. We are making difficult decisions based on many factors because we have responsibilities to/for spouses, children, employers, not just to/for our parents. We are assessing what we realistically can do. Some of have juggled raising our children while also caring for our parents and working fulltime jobs. Add to that that some of our parents have made caring for them quite difficult, with demanding personalities and also refusing needed medical care. Our parents were young and healthy when they "put up with us". We are aging and have our own health problems which often make caring for a parent 24/7 difficult or not possible. And some of us are helping more than one elderly parent. Many of us do not have the luxury of quitting our jobs to provide 24/7 care for our parents. I have a demanding fulltime job, my husband is in the early stages of PD and we help my FIL remain in his home – I cannot physically also care for my mom, who needs 24/7 care. If I sound a bit strident, it’s because I’m really tired of people judging without being in the other guy’s shoes. Because sometimes when you get into those shoes, you end up having to take an action you’d never have dreamt you would, but it’s the best one at that time.