After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

Willows, I cared for my husband throughout his 10-year dementia journey. I told him and our 5 children that I would keep him at home as long as that was where he could get the best care. If we reached a point where I wasn't able to give him the best care, I would place him where professionals could, but I would continue to support him emotionally. Fortunately for us, he could stay at home for the full 10 years, and died in our bedroom, holding my hand.

But I have seen many -- most -- of the caregivers in my support group have to face the fact that they could no longer care for their spouse in their home. It was a wrenching decision but they made it in love. I am NOT a better person than any of them nor did/do any of them love their spouse less than I did. They were simply dealt a different hand.

My 93-yo mother has dementia. She is in a nursing home. I am absolutely amazed and how well she is doing there! I think I can say that objectively without "assuaging" any guilt, because I do not feel any guilt.

I send you warm hugs, Willows, as you deal with your spouse's dementia. I know how heartbreaking that can be. But along with Linda22 (and I expect many of our forum participants), I'm really tired of people judging without being in the other guy's shoes -- or even stubbornly insisting that one shoe size fits all.

I hope you are able to fulfill your own commitment. Please don't judge others.

Linda, you are right; I was being judgmental, and I am sorry. I truly believe, in analyzing my situation, that I am far better off than you are. I don't know whether I could handle your burden. Please forgive me for running at the mouth. Having kind of a bad day today with hubby.

Willows, it's all good. I too was having a tough day and your words hit a nerve. And it's funny because I read some of the stories here and marvel at the love and grace with which people are handling situations far worse than mine. We all have bad days, frustrated and angry with these miserable illnesses that are hurting our spouses. The beauty of this forum is we can vent freely, knowing these people truly get it.

Thank you so much for understanding!!! :)

To all new visitors to this forum - it is very educational to read through all these stories, and I so wish I had known about this Forum years ago, when I was first landed with being the official carer of a friend to whom I am in no way related, fellow exPat Brit whom I had known for 30 years. We were not even particularly close friends, but - she had no relatives in the country where we live, no useful relatives back in the UK, and her "boyfriend" of many decades' standing absolutely refused to take any responsibility whatsoever. I fought many battles with this boyfriend, and we have only come back to speaking terms since our mutual friend has been in a specialised nursing home for 2 years now.

The point I want to make is that EVERY CASE of looking after an Alzheimer's or dementia sufferer IS UNIQUE. The medical condition may be the same as hundreds of other sufferers, but the family condition is always different. Quite often the acrimonious debate among family members and friends can be as harmful and difficult to live with as caring for the sufferer over whom all the quarrels are about.
Non live-in carers are just as vulnerable as family carers to phone calls demanding them to drop everything in order to rush over to help a sufferer still living in their own home. I even got a call to take my friend home from hospital when I was on holdiday, 1000 road miles away! Of course I drove home through the night, arriving exhausted in the morning, only to learn that she had gone home by ambulance and the visiting nurses had already arranged extra day care for her. I was not needed.
Practically all carers have similar stories of extreme inconvenience. If they have not, they are extremely blessed and should thank all their lucky stars.

That is why there should be no judgement of others who post on this forum. There should be no criticism of the decision to place a relative in a nursing home or specialised residential care rather than take/keep them at home. Such decisions are agonising, often made worse by lack of available places or lack of finance to pay for them.

My one recommendation, strongly advised by the home where my Alz friend now resides: take away all cell phones and don't set up access to a fixed phone where they can call out. I protested at first, but later admitted it was a very wise recommendation.

Willows and Linda, you are demonstrating the best of this forum - people do sometimes come across in a post differently than they intend, or they are having a bad day. Apologizing and forgiving is a wonderful way to go about setting things right.

komentaightor and Jennegibbs, as you both said, no two situations are the same. A person who never uses outside care in any form is not necessarily a better or worse caregiver than someone who does. Needs differ. Abilities differ. Most importantly, personalities differ - and that includes the care receiver as well as the caregiver.

Comparison shouldn't have anything to do with this since we are often comparing apples and oranges as the old saying goes. Support for the caregiver and the care receiver are what is needed and what, in most cases, come through here loud and clear. I'm so proud to be part of this group!
Carol

Donnahay, Expert Carol is exactly correct. I would add that when Mom was in a nursing home recovering from a bunch of issues about 3500 miles away from me, I hired a geriatric nurse case manager to go in as needed to check on her. She was my eyes and ears on site. She was a *huge* help. She spotted when Mom was moved to a less desirable room, when the care was not just ship-shape and when therapy was being slacked-off. She negotiated with the administrative nurse at a professional level. She knew the ropes. If it weren't for her, I don't know that Mom would have lived through the 3 months she had to be there. I don't know how you find a good one, but this one came recommended from a relative that lived in the area and used the company to look after his Mom. They catch stuff that you would not see even if you were there. Of course they cost plenty of money, but the peace of mind for me was worth it. I moved my Mom, but I can *not* recommend the experience.

Hi I am in the same shoes than any of the persons,who cared for their loved ones at home for several years.Unfortunatly I had to place my husband of 50 years of married life into a old age home facility.He has Lewy body Dementia for at least 3-4 years I have tried my best to take care of him at home,but it was beginning to effect my health.I had to do the unthinkable place him into a home.He was the most vibrant person during his whole healthy 75 years! Very productive highly intelligent person. Now I do my best to stay by his side(visit him every day,bring him home once a week to have an afternoon with us(his family)make him his favorite dishes.Even if the nurses don't care about my interference sometime I put him to bed,take him for walks,because he is in his wheelchair mostly during the days.So try to make the loved ones care for even if they are have to be in an institution.

It took my mother several months to get used to AL. Ironically the big shift in attitude came when she was hospitalized for a week. When she returned, everyone made a big fuss over her, staff and her lunch partners. She felt special. At her house, it would have been just me crabby and stressed getting her home, spending one or two nights. Then she'd be alone except the daily aide who was always someone new.

It's been 11 months for my mom. She is still unhappy and very negative, but I see that the clique of residents that she had gravitated toward are the ones who are bitter and complain about everything and fill her with misinformation, such as she is not allowed to have a toaster in her apartment, not allowed to eat in the dining room in the other building on the property, etc. All not true. Wish she would associate with some of the many kind, cheerful, interesting residents. But there's no drama there!

Just a thought here. When I moved my mom to a SNF I got to know many of the other residents (the ones that were active and conversed well) and in speaking to one of the gentlemen there, he said how much better he liked this facility compared to the last two places he was in. Another woman agreed with him. They had both been in SNFs about 30 and 60 miles away before . I didn't even know you could go to another place if you didnt like the place you were in. Nor did I look and compare nursing homes. I just chose the one closest to me. Luckily, it's a good one. And btw, my mom doesn't like being there either. But the choice is her or me, and that's sad. After four years of her living with me, I just couldn't do the necessary tasks anymore. My own health was suffering. It came down to this, making a choice on WHO would be the unhappy one, her? Or me? She's 96 and I'm 60. I'm not going to live the next possible 30 years broken down and bitter because she was more important than me. You must take care of your own needs first. Don't feel selfish about that. Stress on a caregiver is a killer. Good luck to you and this is a wonderful site for help

It is best to give it much more time to adjust. Like months. She will get use to it, and have a new routine shortly. Moving someone cross country at that age is horrible idea, and trust me she wouldn't be any happier. Could you maybe go for visit after she has adjusted better in several months? Having someone consistently go visit her, and take small care packages is my advice. God bless, and it will all work out. She is cared for, and in safe environment and that's most important for her. Good luck and prayers to you & mom😊

I hate to say it but some people will never, ever be happy in a "home" and can you blame them? Their entire old way of life is gone, they are getting old, they are lonely for their families, and most of the time people in these "homes" are senile with dementia or are very old and feeble. I think it is great if someone can adjust but don't be surprised if some never do. Sometimes things we wish for simply are impossible to obtain. Support her in other ways that you can but accept this is what often happens in the end of life time frame. Sad but true.

It usually takes some time for them to get adjusted. My mother has dementia and when I could not take care of her well enough, she is 86 I thought that assisted living would be the best option for her. She is now living in an assisted living home in Bridgewood prestigecare. She has been living there for a year now. I still miss her terribly but I know that it is for her own good. The golden tip to keep in mind is to keep in touch always. I call my mother daily and check on her. I always bring her home in the weekends.

I would give it more time as well. You may have to accept the fact that she will not be happy anywhere because at 90 she was probably very independent her entire life and now her independence has been taken away. My elderly aunt is not happy where she is either and I moved her once. I let her pick the second facility and I explained to her that this facility was HER choice and that the next move will be to Indiana from Arizona as I am having enough trouble dealing with this situation from such a distance. She pretty much accepted the decision and I told her that when she chose to move 50 plus years ago, being away from family and not having many visitiors was the consequence of that choice. I have made her very unhappy at times, but keeping firm boundaries with her will be the saving grace for you as time progresses.

I am a RCFE owner and I always tell my families to give it 60-90 days and stay away for a bit and let her settle in on her own. Seniors will make you feel guilty but giving her space to settle in is important. I tell my families to give 3 day gaps between visits so come once to twice weekly and no more in the beginning. If will take time for the adjustment and if you still have trouble with it after 60 days then maybe its not the home for her but trust me by that time you will know!
Best wishes

I hate to say it but I live in an assisted living facility after losing my beloved animals, my home, everything when I became disabled. It is now going into nine years and I have never adjusted - hate living in this environment. The trouble is my mind is razor sharp (mid 80's), still have two jobs (one for 46 years plus) and I am a POA for two people taking care of everything. I love doing this high level functioning work and am also taking college courses. For me, there is nothing here challenging enough to make me want to attend. So I go swimming, to a local health club and out to eat. That is how I keep my sanity. I'd give anything to be back home but I could not handle the steps and all the chores inside and outside the house so I ended up here. It is in my opinion almost impossible and difficult to get adjusted if one has a very high level mental level. It is much easier for very old, ill, feeble, mentally challenged people to adjust given sufficient time.

after all the years your parent took care of you and now you just want to lock them up in a nursing home or assistant living how can a person even come close to justice that shame on you go d i pray bless this county

What seems to work with others that had the same issue was to tell them that you "have a trip coming up and will be away for a short time". Often that will work better, seeing someone too often makes them want to go home with you - keep in touch with the facility to see how they are doing. Good Luck

I have been told that it takes about 3 months and a lot of good coaxing on the part of the staff at AL facilities before someone will even begin to settle in and stop hating the place and everyone/everything that "put" them there. My mom resisted AL and wound up in a nursing home instead due to a serious injury from trying to live on her own when she wasn't capable. ~ Be supportive but encourage staying on a while and meeting the people around her. Most people eventually make friends and I have been told that at some places it becomes like a college dorm and the residents have to be asked if they are planning on staying up ALL night! :D

maryeit: why would you feel the need to shame someone else for their decision? Their life is their's alone. You have not walked in their shoes. I pray you will develop some compassion.

As sad as this may be, there are darn good reasons people cannot just move their aging or ailing parents in with them. Number 1, they cannot be there to do the caring because they themselves have to work in order to survive!!

It would be great if everyone had the luxury of feeling a paycheck is optional, but for most of us, that's not the case. And if we're talking about Alzheimer's, do not even attempt it unless your willing to take 10 to 20 years off your own life. Unless you've been there, you have no clue what it's like and what it does to you. Then there's the terrible guilt and misery you feel because you *can't care for them.... It's just relentless.

I was advised when I had to move my husband into assisted living that I tell him that I would be on a trip but would visit as soon as I returned. I was surprised that he had adjusted when I returned. Hang in there.

My divorced parents live at the same AL. After 42 yrs of avoiding each other they regularly visit and have therapy at the same time together. Dad has diabetic neuropathy in hands...mom peels oranges for him, cuts up apples etc....dad told my husband some guy was "making a pass" on my mom...mom keeps me "updated" on dad and vice versa. Both had lots of mini strokes, I can't differentiate between early dementia or whatever.
When I visit I feel like I'm back in high school again.
The people there definitely divide up into their own little groups and there are some that sit by themselves, it makes me sad.
My mom overall loves being at this assisted-living, my dad is determined to come home soon........ugh.......dad likes the assisted-living and everyone there but he's ready to get out, and says he can take care of himself. he did it before.  Really?...then why have you had 5 bypasses cuz of heart attack, uncontrolled diabetes,  diabetic retinopathy, neuropathy, and legally blind?  Had stroke last summer which led to carotid artery surgery. A non healing foot ulcer, poor balance and gets poop all over bathroom/ shower and chairs in his room.  Many  experienced smart friends here at this site have told me to absolutely not let him leave the assisted-living. I totally agree and so do the nurses there, I need more help from his doctor to intervene... 
My family and I live on the same property with my dad, so I will be his main caregiver even though he says he doesn't need help. He plans on getting Help At Home. My stress is SO high now with both of my parents at AL even though they are very well taken care of.   Sloooowlyyyyyyyy learning how to take care of me,
BIG THANKS to this site!💜

P.S.
the nurses think my dad is playing me. He tells them he loves it there. He tells me there's a lot he likes there but wants to come home.
What do you think about him playin me?? I think they may be right.

Bella, I think it's more likely he's trying to please everyone, don't you? After all, it couldn't be easy for him to admit to you that he loves being taken care of by "outsiders" (i.e. not you!) and that he doesn't want to come home again. He's probably telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

maryeit, you are a jack-a**. My dad with dementia is about to take down my whole life - career, finances, marriage, health. Yes, I placed him in an ALF, otherwise he will outlive us all (his wife, me, my husband), after we are all wrecked.

countrymouse, you know my scenario I believe with my dad!?

You have given me advice here before, kinda bluntly at times BUT I NEED BLUNT! And lots of it when it comes to this man I call dad!! Cuz (in my own words), I'm a wuss and also a people pleaser....ugh, being that is so exhausting and it makes it 
hard for me to stand up for what I believe in.   But I am trying and working hard to change.

I think you are so right on with your comment above!! Sure makes me look at the situation differently.

Thank you 🐭
💜Bella

bella - leave him there that's it. It is where he needs to be. Think of his welfare - nevermind the games he is playing. My mother played lots of games, I still did what I knew was best for her. She didn't always like it but there comes a point in a senior's life where you have to be concerned about their welfare and safety and not about pleasing them. If you can do both, fine If not safety comes first. I know my kids will do that for me, if ever needed.

She might have a valid reason for wanting to leave and she might not have the where with all to express the reasons. Go there. Spend two weeks observing. Are the residents kept clean? Are there too many with colds? Are they well groomed and dressed? Are residents crying out for help? Are the residents ignored by Nurses Aids who keep busy visiting amongst themselves. Are there black and blue residents? Get to know residents families. Ask them about the care. Go to local churches. Ask members before of after services or meetings if the have relatives of friends in the facility. Would they put their Mother or father there. while checking on a father of a friend while he had to go home for a week, the Nurses Aids never gave his father thickened liquids that he had to have for his health. I saw juices, milk, orange juice and water, nothing thickened. it was horrendous. I was afraid the Father would pass away by chocking or get pnemonia from fluid in his lungs. The staff got mad when I brought a sign in to hang inside or our of the refrigerator said ______'s shelf of thickened liquids. Please do not give any liquids without thickening. We got Mother out of that facility after she was forced into Personal Care and the repeatedly injured there. The memory unit had the worst care of any of the Facilities Units. Blessings. Take action on that feeling of being uncomfortable.