We do have the option of her coming to live with me in Tennessee, however she has lived most of her 90 years in California. I am the only family member that does not live close to the assisted living facility.
The hard part is over.
I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes.
If you are the relative in the place of the carer, the best advice is - wait and see. Be patient. Put up with all the insults and bad temper. Wait for the patient to become acclimatised and accepting. If you notice later that there are signs of lack of care, take this up with management - all facilities are being paid money to take care of old people, so you need to get bang for your buck.
Make the patient's surroundings as homey as possible with familiar pictures on the wall, photo abums full of photos of family and friends. They are fun to leaf through even after names and faces have been forgotten. Visits are important. But never give in and offer to take the patient back to live with you. NEVER. You would both suffer.
It's cheaper and saves me a 45 minute - hour drive for my visits 4X a week, but Dad is MISERABLE. Like others have said, my Dad refuses to even TRY the activities at the ALF outside of meals, and after being emotionally beat up for the last couple of years, I have decided not to take on that responsibility. You can't change a zebra's stripes.
I've been struggling with the fact that Dad is so terribly confused about everything, and the move seems to have exacerbated his dementia symptoms, but I had to remind myself that he hasn't been in the new place 10 whole days yet. Things will get better.
Furthermore, dementia or not, some seniors are MASTER manipulators. They are "so lonely" until you come around. They can't eat the food at the facility but will gobble up any outside food you bring or restaurant food.
I'm learning that I am doing the best I can given the situation. For those that said move Mom, they may have different resources or time or expertise when caring for a sensitive senior.
I ALMOST guilted myself into moving Dad in with me when he couldn't afford the other ALF. Though the numbers showed a MINOR decrease in expenses and I could have saved on rent if I delegated half of it to Dad, I would have been completely miserable.
Managing someone at home with minimal help is HARD. You have to keep up with more, and I would have been solely responsible for getting him around, making sure he ate, and have the extra burden of coordinating his care when I had to travel for work.
At 40, that's a big NO THANK YOU. I'm learning that I am doing a helluva lot more than my Dad's other kids who don't even come to see him, and there's no easy solution to this difficult situation (although the doctor's pockets seem to be getting mighty fat at the sake of these poor seniors suffering... yet I digress)
Do the best you can with what you have to work with. Be grateful that you can afford to place your LO in a facility. That alone is a blessing. Cut yourself a break. This is hard, and at least you know that your LO is safe and monitored at the ALF.
Live your life. You don't want your epitaph to say Here lies _____. They spent their lives taking care of mom and doing nothing else while your LO's would read ________lived a full live of adventure....
You're doing a great job in spite of the circumstances (OK I just gave myself a pep talk)
You have given me advice here before, kinda bluntly at times BUT I NEED BLUNT! And lots of it when it comes to this man I call dad!! Cuz (in my own words), I'm a wuss and also a people pleaser....ugh, being that is so exhausting and it makes it
hard for me to stand up for what I believe in. But I am trying and working hard to change.
I think you are so right on with your comment above!! Sure makes me look at the situation differently.
Thank you 🐭
the nurses think my dad is playing me. He tells them he loves it there. He tells me there's a lot he likes there but wants to come home.
What do you think about him playin me?? I think they may be right.
When I visit I feel like I'm back in high school again.
The people there definitely divide up into their own little groups and there are some that sit by themselves, it makes me sad.
My mom overall loves being at this assisted-living, my dad is determined to come home soon........ugh.......dad likes the assisted-living and everyone there but he's ready to get out, and says he can take care of himself. he did it before. Really?...then why have you had 5 bypasses cuz of heart attack, uncontrolled diabetes, diabetic retinopathy, neuropathy, and legally blind? Had stroke last summer which led to carotid artery surgery. A non healing foot ulcer, poor balance and gets poop all over bathroom/ shower and chairs in his room. Many experienced smart friends here at this site have told me to absolutely not let him leave the assisted-living. I totally agree and so do the nurses there, I need more help from his doctor to intervene...
My family and I live on the same property with my dad, so I will be his main caregiver even though he says he doesn't need help. He plans on getting Help At Home. My stress is SO high now with both of my parents at AL even though they are very well taken care of. Sloooowlyyyyyyyy learning how to take care of me,
BIG THANKS to this site!💜
It would be great if everyone had the luxury of feeling a paycheck is optional, but for most of us, that's not the case. And if we're talking about Alzheimer's, do not even attempt it unless your willing to take 10 to 20 years off your own life. Unless you've been there, you have no clue what it's like and what it does to you. Then there's the terrible guilt and misery you feel because you *can't care for them.... It's just relentless.