My Mom lives with me & my very supportive partner. My mom was a really great mother, super sweet & caring until my dad passed. I have 1 sister, somehow I became the scapegoat. She is 94 & mostly mean now, she has a lot of memory problems. I get her meds, make her food, take her to all her docs & appts, keep her company & help her in every possible way. I am blamed for everything. She talks smack about me behind my back to my sister. I am by nature an optimist, but the mean talk & blame gets so bad that I am constantly upset. I get that sometimes when someone has dementia they can take it out on their caregiver, but it's out of control. I also resent my sister for not sticking up for me & for not being more involved with the care of my mom. She could easily share the responsibility, but won't.
I think it makes it worse, because I remember how sweet my mom used to be & I don't know this mean person who took over her body. If I stand up for myself & say something like “ you hurt my feelings when you talk about me like that” she will go into hysterics & say I am causing her to feel ill or will lock her door & then blame it all on me to my sister. I find myself dreading to be with her & then feel guilty. It's very sad & I'm unsure of how to handle it?
after a bad marriage & an illness of mine, my mom let me live with her till I got on my feet ( & she cared for me when I was very ill & also my young child, while she was also taking care of her parent at home)
I guess I thought the least I could do is repay some of what she selflessly did,
i think getting someone to help inside the home ,is a good starting point ,
this experience has made me think about what will happen , if this would happen to me, my gosh it’s
not a good thought,
when I was a child, my grandparents
lived in the same house , I wonder if that also has something to do with
trying To keep my mom in the house, I ve seen my mom take care of her parents , we ( our family) all
helped out
It is admirable for you to try to follow family "traditions", such as caring for those who came before us. Sadly it isn't always the same. Most likely there aren't a lot of extended family living with you, to share the chores.
My grandmother did not have dementia, so it was easier for mom and her sisters to share her care. She also passed before she was 80, relieving them of this duty BEFORE their retirement years! If my mother had been more like that, without dementia, it's much more likely that one or more of us may have been able to care for her in our places OR she would have accepted help in her own place. I tried to keep her in her own place longer by starting aides, only 1 hr/day, to get her used to having them. She didn't need much help at the time, so it was more to get them in the door and provide a sanity check for me (I live 1.5 hrs from where she was, so daily checks were out of the question.) Sadly this didn't last 2 months. Dementia does lie to the person who has it. Their self-image is NOT consistent with current reality. She insisted that she was fine, independent and could cook. She wasn't and couldn't. After taking the car away, the inability to cook became apparent. Taking care of finances was the first thing to go, as I could see the mistakes she was making. Other than those issues, she should have been able to remain in her place longer with help. A timed/locked med dispenser was set up to ensure she didn't miss them or take too many. The aides could check and point out any missed (they aren't allowed to dispense.) She was over 90 at the time, so once dementia was at play and she refused the aides, we had to consider a facility. When bros found out the cost of MC, their eyes lit up and they both said for that kind of money, they'd take her in. Sure they would. Neither could handle it. It would have been a colossal failure, with mom paying the price! They couldn't have been much more absent, both in helping take care of things, including the condo, and visiting mom.
Having a much older parent who also has dementia which HAS impacted her personality really can't be compared to what you experienced in the past. It doesn't mean you should give up trying. Get some help in. Try to lose the anger and resentment. Try to laugh off the "antics." Ensure you get time out to do things YOU enjoy. Get away from the house when the aide is there. Build your own interests. Mom's care is important, but sometimes things can wait. Just because someone says jump, we don't have to ask how high. Meanwhile, it might be good to explore other options. She won't get any better, but rather worse, so there may come a time when it just isn't working at all. If it's too much for you and aides, consider a facility. You will have some time after hiring someone to explore places nearby. Visit often, vary times you visit, ask LOTS of questions. If/when it comes down to safety, for both you and/or mom, then it will be time to move her. My mother outweighed me, so I wouldn't be able to provide her care. Stairs here were also an issue, as are bathrooms that are much too small to handicap. It was better for me to find the best place for her, nearby, and visit, manage everything and provide supplies. She was well cared for, always clean and relatively happy there. Thankfully she never took on a negative persona. I did ask staff who body-snatched her though, when they'd tell me how cute and funny she was, along with some of the stories about her antics.
Do come back after you've had assistance for a while and let us know how things are going. Have a chat with sister, to see if she can at least be emotionally supportive. Hang in there!
So...do you want to change? You know you don't have to be the fulltime caregiver for your mother. It seems to be affecting your health.
Have you considered a facility for your mother? If not, then why not?
Please look into getting paid help to come into your home, your sister to help out, or placement for mother. And stop feeling guilty! Who would welcome being treated badly, especially when they're devoting themselves to caregiving??? Being old and demented does not give your mother or mine a free pass to be mean and miserable all the time! Don't buy into that nonsense and figure out how to care for YOU and your partner before you find yourselves in despair while your mother goes about her merry way! It's vital to get a break and find time for yourselves away from the toxic waste! Give yourself permission to do that, Ok?
Good luck!
It’s difficult to remember that dementia changes who the LO is and it’s dementia that is causing her to make false accusations or be mean to you. If your sister doesn’t understand this, I would consider getting her a book about dementia that explains how it manifests itself.
I hope you find some things that help,
Many others on this site have either been through it or going through it.
We can’t control anyone else’s behavior. I’m sure that you know this already.
All we can do is change our reaction to it, at least at some point in time.
Of course, it’s normal to honor our feelings.
I would never expect someone not to feel their pain. That’s impossible!
All I am saying is that we can’t remain stuck and stagnate.
We are designed to grow and learn from our experiences in life, and many of our life situations are painful.
It’s easy to become frozen in our thoughts and it’s very difficult to push forward towards viable solutions and healing.
It’s a process that can take awhile to sort out.
Best wishes to you and your family.