To call CPS or let well enough alone?
I'm putting this in Burnout, b/c it will be seen by more people--and it does relate to CG--
I have a 'friend' (we USED to be friends, but she was just too screwed up to deal with and I had to 'break up' with her--nevertheless I still care about her).
She is 70. She has 'temporary custody' of 3 grandchildren ages 12, 11 boys and a 7 yo girl. One son, father of the kids. Mother is in and out of jail in another state.
This 'family' lived in her basement apartment for some years and the father got his CDL and left to work in the oilfields. Mother spent her days doing online porn and meth. One day, she simply split. Took the kids and disappeared. "L" was concerned but not frantic until she got a call 6 months later that the kids had been abandoned in a trailer miles from nowhere and the parents were nowhere to be found. CPS in this state moved them into foster care--where they thrived and were very happy.
Gma decides she is going to bring the kids back here and raise them on her own. At that time her husband was living and was willing to do so.
Brings the kids back here with the 'temporary' custody tag on them. State can't find the parents.
Long story short, her hubby is killed in a one car rollover and she is left with no income except her small pension from her Navy years. Parents are MIA. Basically, she is broke.
A couple of years ago, she finally tracks down her son, and asks him what to do with the kids. He says he will come home and work and they'll be a 'family'. Of course, he never shows up and she cannot contact him, he never sent her a dime.
She decided that she had to sell her home and get the kids in foster care, as they were proving too hard for her to handle. BUT, she never does anything. She still planned to sell her home, and so neighbors and friends rallied (and I admit, I was the ringleader in doing all this as she could not make decisions). We had the entire house packed into 2 HUGE moving pods and the garage was completely filled waiting for the 3rd pod--and her son surfaces again and demands she stay in the house. So she does. He disappears again and she moves the kids and her into the 1000 sf basement and they rent out the upstairs.
Not going to get into how much money I spent helping her--that's water under the bridge--but I told her, when she moved back into the house I could NOT help her anymore. She was making terrible choices and the kids were becoming worse and worse behaved.
She has been working FT as a teacher's aide since Jan 1. Been sick the entire time and worn out. She gets calls daily from the principals of both schools about the kids' horrible behavior. (And they truly are the worst kids I've ever seen-and that's saying a lot).
Took her dinner the other night as she had a drs appt. I went into the apartment and was immediately assaulted by the dog (some idiot gave them a labradoodle(?) anyway, it's ENORMOUS and untrained, so poops and pees wherever. There are dirty clothes and food boxes all over. There was nowhere for me to set a casserole dish. Literally, not one clean surface. The cat litter box is in the kitchen and it is overflowing with cat poop and is spread all over the place as the dog runs through it, I guess. It was so utterly filthy and disgusting. Dishes overflowing the sink, dishes on the floor---truly one of the worst homes I have ever seen.
OK, this is NOT the first time I've walked in her place and found it in this same state. But something just hit me in the gut. She's 70. Her health is tanking. People have helped her to the point that we are ALL burned out and she is not grateful.
My question and after writing all this, (seems that I have already answered it)--do I anonymously call CPS and turn her in?
Am I a horrible person for feeling this is well beyond her scope? I'm not getting involved again--but something has to be done.
If you read this entire post, I thank you. I don't want to see her have MORE drama.
That was one of the hardest things I've ever done!
Just got off the phone with DCPS...the caseworker was wonderful and took copious amounts of info. Asked things I wouldn't have thought to mention.
ENOUGH so there will be a 'surprise' pop in visit this week (no warning, as the people can clean up and 'fake' a 'norm' that doesn't exist.) The kids' schools will be contacted for further info (since a day doesn't go by that the principal of one or both schools isn't calling, that will be a no-brainer) AND a one on one visit with each of the kids, away from home. (I guess at school).
The gma is in violation of so many things---DCPS is very concerned with getting families to 'work' but in this case--I doubt there's a hope in the world that they can reach anything near 'normal'. The one thing that was troubling to the CW was that the kids are alone in the house from 2-4 hrs per day. AND a DOG is kept in this environment--animals have as many or more rights than people, I guess. He will almost assuredly be removed and this will be a huge burden lifted.
I will remain anonymous....so I hope. The gma could point to dozens of people as reporters--and likely the schools have already done so, as mandated reporters.
I HOPE they can remove the kids and find a better place for them. I don't want the gma to not see them, everyone concerned just wants her to be the GRANDMA and not the primary caregiver.
I can call back in a few days and see how the case is going, but I have a feeling that the neighbors will let me know.
It's sad, really, we're mostly all of the same faith and so reporting another 'church member' for neglect and abuse is really against my grain--but I cannot do anything else to help.
And the parents? Mom went back to jail and dad is still in the hospital but will be going to jail as soon as he's healed enough. Ex-cons can't have guns, evidently, so it doesn't MATTER if she shot him or he shot himself.
I can't BELIEVE I even KNOW people who act like this.
She got SO ANGRY about that call, and didn't know it was me. No way I am telling a SOUL what I did.
Thinking on this all weekend and all day, I know it had to be done. They said they would try to 'keep the family together' and I told the CW the gma DOES NOT want the kids. Period. She was trying to have them 'adopted' by any number of couples in our neighborhood.
I'm hoping that when they go in to do the 'surprise' inspection, she isn't even there and it looks as bad as it did last Tues. I can't imagine it would look better--this is status quo for her. Then some action would be taken. I would have taken pictures but the kids would have said something to her--so I cleared a spot for dinner and left.
I think, minimally the dog will be removed, They are so cramped in there and the dog is HUGE--stands taller than me when he stands up and weighs about 125 lbs. He is aggressive, so that's something I had to warn them about. Also the fact they put the dog in a kennel that is so small he cannot turn around in it--and he's there for about 7 hours day. Inhumane.
She's one of those people (if any of you remember me talking about the utter frustration of trying to get her to make decisions!) who waits and waits and then something awful happens and she RE-ACTS. Like, the water gets turned off and she freaks out, like she didn't KNOW if you don't pay your water bill they won't turn it off. She never makes the 'first move'.
Well--thank you for letting me rant. There's absolutely no one I can tell about this. There is no such thing as a 'secret' esp in a fairly small neighborhood.
Fingers crossed that the kids can be removed, she can get legal custody so they can be adopted or at least fostered. Then she can sell that white elephant of a house (which is always in some sort of pre-foreclosure) and sell it and start fresh.
I am so sorry for your pain--which is evident in your post.
No one 'saved me' from an abusive older brother, In fact, I was labeled 'crazy' and 'delusional' and a 'liar' all my life. He walked on water. I am hyper sensitive to kids who have been abused. My own granddaughter was--nothing really awful, but anything is 'awful'. She couldn't tell her parents, but boy, I did when she confided in me. She was so afraid they'd blame her. Luckily the perp was caught and dealt with. She's had years of therapy and it was ONE incident. I had 15 years of it.
But, back in the 60's, wow, we were living the "Father knows Best" life and stuff like what happened to me and you were swept under the carpet.
Not OUR family, right?
I am not a violent person by any means, but it got so that if I even saw someone who looked like my brother I'd go into panic mode. Only once did I lay 'angry hands' on him and my dad had to pull me off him. I know if I'd had a weapon of any kind I would have hurt him, and badly.
There's a special corner of hell for people who hurt children. And that's where he is.
She asked me so salient questions--for example, there are 4 if them in a one bedroom apartment. One of the boys sleeps in the laundry room--which has a gas dryer, this alone will set off alarms in a 'normal' family situation.
I have cuts ties with her--when I texted her the other day to say I was dropping off dinner, I saw that my last communication with her was over 14 months old. I am not starting up the 'friendship/ AKA/ using me' again. I simply think of these kids and how much worse their behavior has become.
For the sake of the kids, I am going to call CPS AND APS. She is being abused by the system too--although it's an abuse she chose.
Many of you do remember when I posted a little about this previously. Sadly, she is much worse off than before. All the stuff in the garage has now been infested with rodents. She has a cat, but it never goes in the garage so she denies she has a problem.
Hopefully they will do this anonymously---and the school records and ANY neighbor will back me up 100%, if questioned.
Thanks for the calm, measured replies.
We'll see where this goes.
I am positive the gma is in no way involved in drugs, but has a VERY laissez faire attitude about exposure to them. She showed me all the drug paraphernalia in the apt. and also a roll top desk the mother had drilled a hole into so she could 'hot box' (pardon my terminology, I am not familiar with what drug users DO)...the little girl was a 'surprise' baby and is very definitely affected by the mother's drug use while she was pregnant.
I know there must be a SW worker, as one was assigned by the middle school, but that would be confidential. I am simply calling CPS, making the report and letting the chips fall where they may.
I have not spoken to this women (except for the text last week) for over a year. This report could be coming from ANYONE in the neighborhood or the schools.
Just--guilt. Personally, I know quite a few foster parents and they are all wonderful people doing a pretty thankless job. These kids would be better off with any of the FP I know than with the gma who has not one ounce of 'mothering' in her. Not her fault, we're not all cut out to be maternal.
I will keep you posted. I feel very alone in this--haven't and won't tell my hubby--he'd go ballistic.
Fingers crossed!
It may be that she's so overwhelmed that it's difficult if not impossible to make decisions. So I would help her and call in reinforcements before the situation deteriorates any more. Sometimes people just need a little bit of guidance or outside help to redirect the path they're on.
The parents clearly are out of the picture, so they're not a consideration. And at 70 (which really isn't old but is too old to be bringing up 3 kids), that's got to be a real challenge for her. The condition of the house suggests as well, and that the path is a downward one for her as well as the children and animals.
And kudos to you for sticking with her for so long and for having the compassion and strength to help her while you yourself were dealing with your own health challenges.
Yes and make that call immediately after reading this!
Please do they a favour and make the call.
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