Transferring mom.

Hi Suzie,

Go visit and talk to some nursing homes in Florida. I also live in Florida. The nursing home I talked to about bringing Mom from Maryland to Florida advised they would track Mom all the way to Florida on her medical transport. The nursing home was willing to suggest medical transport services to use.

You could find a driver for Dad.

That said, it may simply be cheaper for you to get cheap flights and visit Mom and Dad once a month in Tennessee.

If you move mom to Florida, she's going to need more caregivers than you think. In your home, you'll need one full-time and at least two relief caregivers. For you to be the full-time caregiver would be an exhausting venture to say the least. When I say full-time, I mean that there is no time for recreation, social activities, other people or anything else. If you are a full-time caregiver, it's all day, all night and then some. Your home would need to be modified for her condition. You will need OTs, PTs, someone to clean your home and cook for you. You can't do it all. I know because I've done it.

Leave mom in TN and find volunteers to visit her in the nursing home, or pay people, even teenagers looking for a summer project, to visit her. Dad can visit with her. i can't imagine that in her present state she's going to pay much attention to visitors anyway.

Sorry, Suzie, this is one of those life situations where there are no easy answers, but expecting yourself to do so much isn't realistic. I wish you peace with whatever you decide to do.

@waytomisery

Thank you for putting it that way and explaining it more. I’m sure I’m just extremely fragile right now but the “fend for himself” comment hurt a little because that’s the last thing I want for him. He is a great guy and a Vietnam vet. i really appreciate you being more sensitive and explaining it the way you did.
I plan on going up there Saturday and hopefully figure something out. Again, thank you very much.

In your heart, I think you know that you would not be able to care for your own family and your parents on any kind of ongoing basis. Taking care of even one parent in a nursing home can take a lot of time and energy. It’s heartbreaking to feel that your parents are alone but with dementia, your mom may not even be as aware of the situation—moving her to a new location might be more upsetting than beneficial for her. Are they in an area where you might be able to find a case manager to help them? That might give you some peace of mind and allow you occasional visits to Tennessee.

I realize I’m not answering your question about moving them to Florida, just suggesting you consider other options, for everyone’s well-being.

Sorry I haven’t responded or updated. I have become pretty depressed. My mom is still in TN in the nursing home. I feel horrible because I am in FL. My dad is the only one who goes to see her. My sister passed a few years ago and my brother who I don’t speak with is in jail and they don’t know anyone else in TN.
I feel horrible for my dad and I guess I jumped the gun too soon thinking I can get her here and take care of her myself.

i think at the moment I just need someone to talk to. I feel very, very alone and don’t know what to do to help them. My dad still lives by himself (he should be in an assisted living place but I think he has too much pride and just won’t go). Any advice or words of wisdom to get them down to Florida so they won’t be so alone? I feel like I should just leave and live with my dad but I have a disabled husband and two sons (in their 20’s) who need me.

Thanks in advance.

Are you POA for mom?
If not unless you obtain Guardianship you can not make any medical decisions for her.
Even if dad said you can take her home with you you would still need his ok each and every time you have to make a medical decision.
guardianship not easy nor inexpensive.
Transporting mom is the least of your worries.
How will you care for her?
And by the way you do not need a "nurse" to help. A caregiver is what you would hire.
First the agitation, anger need to be under control and there are medications that can help.
I also think you need to do a few days shadowing and observing what is done for your mom. And can you really do that at home? (Will the caregiver be 24/7? If not then you will be doing much of the work yourself.)

And one last thing...
Do you not have a job, a family that you need to consider when making this decision?

Where does dad fit in with all this? You moving him in as well? Or leaving him to fend for himself?

“ She’s gone downhill severely “.

Where does Dad go if Mom
goes to live with you ?
Are you thinking she will improve with you and then be going back to her house in TN ? This most likely will not occur .

IMO it’s too late to move Mom , especially if she will need Medicaid in a new state .
She needs long term care in SNF. Let her stay in TN where Dad can visit her during her last days .

If you can swing it, do it.

Suzie, medical transfers are always expensive. If you search ‘medical transfer’ in the magnifying glass at the top right of the screen, you will get detailed information about other people’s experience. That should give you more things to think about, besides the difficulties of the care when and if your mother arrives. You say ‘parents’, so what would happen with your father?

I think this may be a mistake. I think you may be looking at end of life and hospice care now. To put this kind of money into such a transfer I think wouldn't be great. It would be a big legal tangle and mess getting everything righted.

It is up to you, but I cannot imagine such a thing.
I would speak to doctor about hospice at this time, instead. Really, it must be up to you, but consider a wait and see attitude for at least a few weeks.