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Mum has been living with me the past 5 years and we are looking at different aged care residences.



Mum has gotten used to me being around constantly obviously...



Lately Mum has been going into panic attacks when a respite worker comes over to take her out. This is to the point she starts experiencing chest pain, hyperventilating. She appears to talk about grief when this happens but I suspect she might be confusing her feelings with unfamiliarity. The most recent time I was actually scared if she’d pull through. She was holding her chest hyperventilating, crying, dry retching. The few words she’d get out were “she can’t move, can’t breathe" and a couple words about my late brother (her son). This happens once she’s alone with the respite worker. I tried distracting her and eventually we got her back inside the house. Note: she goes to grocery store with me all the time and is fine. Gets in the car, does her seatbelt.



Therefore, I think she is scared whenever I’m not around as the world is suddenly very confusing and no one speaks her language.



My worry is that when she goes into aged care, that the same will happen because I won’t be around.



She obviously needs to make a safe connection with someone and the surroundings, but I can just see it now... her going off into a panic attack, possibly hospital, etc. and I fear her body may not take too much of such pressure. For people that don’t speak her language, they are afraid she’s having a heart attack and it very well could get more serious if not calmed.



Do I need to overnight at the aged care when she first goes in? How does one go about it?

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Please talk to her doctor about her panic attacks. The doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help her relax in new situations - ones you have already described. As she becomes more used to other caregivers, she can be weaned off the medications.
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Unfortunately, this behavior occurs in many people who suffer from dementia. There are no happy solutions. Only God knows what goes through their minds when they react in this way.
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Also, do not discount sending her to be with people she knows who speak her language, even if you won't get to ever see her again. In moments of her lucidity, talk to her and see what she wants. I read the other suggestions and LOVE the one about the Universal Language Translator.
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Teach her to use picture flash cards to communicate her needs to people who do not speak her language. (You make them). Then, you teach anyone who interacts with her to respond with flash cards as well. They also are pre-made for deaf and hard of hearing people.
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Cappuccino42: Perhaps she should be seen by a cardiologist and a pulmonologist.
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I happen to be reading about anxiety disorders and research is being done with Alzheimer's patients. It's hard to find psychiatrists right now, but I'd start with her regular doctor for a referral. If that doesn't get you anything, consider checking with your local county or city elder care department for direction. If I think of anything else, I'll try to post another answer.
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1. Hire a translator.
2. Purchase a little translator like world travelers use in various countries. Like this one (copy and paste):
https://www.pocketalk.com/product/pocketalk-plus/?variant=32982543532055¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsdiTBhD5ARIsAIpW8CKRmGn4RcloA7gLm50XGUMUR99NT_qsNNuouugM5GPvm_1-qAZkCzUaAholEALw_wcB

3. Anxiety medications

4. Perhaps Visiting Angels can provide care from a bilingual person?
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Interesting. My wife is now frightened of falling. She has ms for 40 years and will fall once or twice a year. But after a recent fall in February where she broke her hand her fear has gotten extreme to the point she is afraid to get into bed or on the toilet or get on the sofa. She is week and never recovered from a fall in Jan of last year where she broke her hip. The doc fixed her up so nothing prevents her from walking except for her fear and weak muscles
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My mom also wanted me with her at all times, had trust issues with other people, but got used to the last home care person. When I took Mom to her new home at assisted living, they had told me some families just leave town on a vacation so their parent can adjust. I did not do that. I kept the home care lady on for a week and she and I took turns at the assisted living getting her adjusted, telling her where things were, who the people there were, how to ask for help from the care givers and all. During the week we were gradually there fewer and fewer hours, and the last two days basically just watched for an hour, chatted, and left. There were only a few upsets, one hysterical phone call, and definitely some confusion, but not too bad. Another lady moved in on the same day, her family made themselves unavailable, and this lady was constant trouble, so I think our presence and help with Mom was appreciated in the circumstances. The other new lady latched onto my mom as her buddy and one day took Mom off down the street, hand in hand, to "see a movie and get some wine". The director followed them and convinced them to come back, telling them they forgot their wallets. Needless to say, the other new lady did not last long at assisted living and went to memory care. She had never calmed down. So everyone is different. My mom's doctor also gave Mom some medication for anxiety before we moved her. The care giver and I would always cry each day that week after leaving her there, but it turned out to be a really good move for Mom. She didn't have the worries of how her house was being taken care of, had more friends to talk to, and activities. And I visited every day, took her for rides, and to dinner once in a while. I was her daughter again, instead of care giver. I suggest taking everything slowly and letting her know several time a day at first that you are still around to watch out for her.
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I think a Board and Care home with few residents who are KNOWN to her and the same people (they are often family-run) coming and going might be a better environment.
I am assuming here that Mom has these "attacks" other than when this "ONE" respite worker takes her out. Does she otherwise go out well and easily with those she knows because she may be developing agoraphobia. And have you tried other workers from Respite so you know that she hasn't rightly or wrongly formed some association with this particular worker?
I would not overnight. Adjustment often happens most readily when the person depended upon is not available. I would follow the advise and recommendation of the place when Mom is placed, and not overworry this now when you already have today's issue on your plate, which is Mom's current panic attacks.
This is something you can discuss with her MD as often there are VERY MILD antidepressants without side effects on mobility, that can be tried for Mom if her panic attack continue.
And as I say, all of this advice assumes that we are not dealing with FEAR of one person for whatever reason.
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Cappuccino42 May 2022
It’s happened a few times now with different respite workers but was intense with the latest who’d only been over once before. It’s not a private carer (can’t afford that) so I don’t really get choice in who comes.

mum appears to somehow go down the path of grief when in presence of them but I’m not sure if she’s just confusing her thoughts. But that’s how it starts out. She starts talking about her late son making comments such as “the respite worker was there when her son passed”, “The respite worker knows her late son”, “The respite worker knows what happened” and so on. Off course none of this is true as my brother never had a respite worker and he passed overseas.

So I think it’s more fear / trust or she sees them as the angels of death or something. I think she’s definitely made some wrong association with them but how does one fix that when the person won’t remember if you correct them. Once Mum is convinced of something she keeps reverting to her way of thinking.

All of the aged care places we've looked at are rather large (again, finance plays a part as we need to take one that is part government funded).

When she goes in, there’s also a language barrier. No place here speaks her native tongue. We come from a small Nordic country.
theres only one place interstate that has our language but wholly private. It was 400k to purchase plus additional daily costs, sigh.
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Medication for the anxiety would help her a lot.
It might take a bit to get the correct medication and the right dose but it would help.
Does she know this person?
It might help if you were to stay with her for a while while she gets to know the caregiver. I know this sort of negates the purpose but it is important that she be comfortable. That may lessen the anxiety.
When you say "no one speaks her language" do you mean that literally or that no one knows how to calm her down?
If there is a language barrier when you begin to look for AL or MC look in areas that have a more dense population of native speaking residents. While it may be a further drive for you to visit she would probably be more comfortable.
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Cappuccino42 May 2022
Hi @Grandma1954

I mean literally. We come from a small Nordic country and there is not one aged care here that provides service in her language. There’s only one interstate (particularly made for our language) but Mum can’t afford it. It was going to be 400k deposit and then daily fees (private, with no part gov funding). So when she goes to aged care here, she won’t be able to communicate and that’s part of the problem because the staff don’t understand her,... and need me.

I’ve sometimes thought if it would be better to fly her back to her home country with her language and free care but then I wouldn’t be there.
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I would reach out to her doctor… seems full fledged panic attacks. They may be able to give her something for the anxiety…
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