My mom with dementia and hearing loss is in AL -I visited (I live 5 hrs away) and we couldn't find her hearing aids. When I asked my brother who lives there where they were he said that she lost them- I asked if she was getting a new one and he went off on me-saying I was never f'ing there -she doesn't like them-they don't work etc I called her hearing aid centre and they said she hasn't been to an appt in over 3 years. Her private nurse told me that my brother’s let her go a few months ago-they told me she found another job and resigned-I believe the nurse. These are such touchy subjects to bring up with them. In a normal family I would just say let's get mom back in to the hearing aid place next time I visit. I am reluctant because he gets so hostile-any advice on how to approach the primary caregiver for better results?
That was a slightly grim "h'm," by the way.
The way to approach these issues without causing WWIII is to earn the right to have an opinion about them.
You earn the right to have an opinion about them by being the person who does the caregiving. Or, at least, contributes to it substantially; or has professional expertise or comprehensive, current experience to lend authority to your opinion.
You are in some danger of being a seagull sibling. This species is not popular with frontline caregivers.
If you would like to be more involved in your mother's care, ask your primary caregiving brother what you can do to help and whether there is anything your mother would like. Don't lead with your opinion about what's good for an elderly lady whom you rarely set eyes on.
And DON'T go behind his back. Seriously, what were you thinking?
As for the private duty nurse... if she is in AL is it really necessary? And are you privy to the cost involved and the ability of mom to continue to pay it long term?
The nurse was twice a week and was very good for my mom-she helped her do her exercises , got her outside, talked , etc- More like a companion
I just need advice on how to approach these issues without causing WWIII
Also, even if they cannot communicate that doesn’t mean they don’t have perfectly good reasons for why they do things.
Also, I know you just want to be helpful but the sheer aggravation your bro has had to endure isn’t even possible for you to fathom. So don’t come rolling into town telling bro how he can fix things.
Good luck!
My mom lost two pairs of glasses in her facility and sat on another pair. She threw our her partial, a myriad of toothbrushes and combs and makeup I brought her. Then she’d say someone stole it. I did the best I could and let the other stuff go. She had macular degeneration and glasses wouldn’t have helped. I took her to the opthomologist once and that was it.
If you don’t want to step on your brother’s toes in those moccasins I mentioned before, then don’t. Keep your own counsel. Read some of the posts of those of us on the front lines. It’s eye opening.
I agree with the other posters about the hearing aids. My dad is in nursing home - constantly loses them (he wraps them in tissue and forgets and throws out the tissue). He hates wearing them. The batteries are impossible and expensive.
It's like having a part-time job on top of a full-time job if one is still employed. Never getting any time off due to all the phone calls, appointments, trips to the ER, buying supplies, managing Mom's financials, visiting couple times a week, etc. I know I was overwhelmed.
Oh my gosh, hearing aids. My Mom's hearing doctor said there wasn't anything more she could do for Mom as her hearing was too far gone. Mom was determined that there were hearing aids out there that would work for her. We ran from one hearing aid place to another to another to another. Some would barely help but there was constant user error.
Eventually when my Mom went into long-term-care, the hearing aids because useless, plus my Mom was always misplacing them. So I can understand why your brother wasn't gun-ho to get new hearing aids for your Mom.
Sounds like you don't have boots on the ground on a regular basis to help your brother to know everything that he is going through. I know for myself, when my parents were in memory care and in long-term-care I never got a full nights sleep due to all the anxiety.
I asked how to approach a subject of taking her for a new test- got told off and cussed out
Backstory- I was there as my dads caregiver when he was diagnosed w pancreatic cancer-I moved in my parents house in NY -I live in Canada-until he died months later -with my young teen daughter living in Canada without me very hard-and then had my own daughter’s 9 surgeries in 3 years out of state at a specialized hospital in Florida to deal with-my brothers all knew I had that going on -no help at all just the bs post good luck with the surgery
So ok
I will not interfere with his decision to not to get hearing aids
Even though it is completely covered by insurance
And not say a word that he fired her nurse that my Dad had loved and felt like family -because my brother thought she was too expensive/
My mom was paying
but I am out of line because I am not there enough
They also gift thousands of dollars to their kids at Christmas from my mom-
Again no one can ask any questions about-He told me to F off when I asked if mom wouldn’t need that money
My mom by the way is in a full care facility my brother stops by
With his laptop and watches basketball
"..... she doesn't function well without them though and new models could be much better and she would be able to engage more- ". Sorry, but you're not listening to what we're saying.
First, have you been aroundher long enough to determine how she functions with or without the aids? Do you know the difference between older and newer models? (besides the outrageous price?) Do you know for a fact that she WANTS to interact?
Living with someone provides insight into their character, wishes and desires that visitors may never see or observe.
First, experience with folks who have hearing aids will reveal that many won't wear them, new or old, cutting edge technology or not. They're not easy to insert and not easy to remove.
And the batteries have to be changed frequently. Sometimes it's hard for older hands to manipulate little hearing aid batteries and devices. Sometimes they just get tired of trying. Sometimes as life becomes more challenging, they lost interest in interacting.
This is what you're not seeing and why you're worried about "starting WWIII" - you have your opinion but your brother has experience.
That's not a criticism, but you have to rely on his experience with some aspects of care with which you're not familiar.
And trying to convince him to accept your suggestions is only going to antagonize him.
Step back, learn, and be an apprentice before you become a master. I remember that famous scene in Star Wars when Yoda shakes his head at Luke Skywalker, who hasn't yet learned that Yoda has much more life experience and wisdom than "Young Skywalker" has.
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