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UPDATE Cancelled the appointments due to severe weather. Reschedule to November. That was a mistake and the appts person will probably think I'm crazy when I call back and try to get her in sooner (than later) I don't know how she is going to do on her own when she goes back to her apartment in a few months. Hard to think about and get in front of. I know she won't suddenly become her independent self and be able to manage her own affairs. My counselor said I am catastrophizing and she is not off the mark. In my mind I'm trying to prevent the inevitable. ha
How a “Fix It” Mentality Leads to Caregiver Burnout - AgingCare.com
The above article right off the Forum's site is good, I think. We tend to pick up all the luggage that is set down, adding more and more to it until we could never conceivably carry it. We want to "fix it" all. In all truth, why is depression not an honest and APPROPRIATE response to all the losses that aging entails? Mom is likely just as scared as you that she cannot handle it, and as confused about where to go from there. I am the master of catastrophizing. I can carry it out to all the hot water heaters exploding at once while the siding leaks and the walls run water. But I am so much better when I draw myself back in to TODAY. Right HERE and right NOW. I actually have taken to making a physical hand motion, both hands out, pulling back and pointing to my feet with them. Here I stand NOW. I have almost to pull the little girl in me, out there stomping up problems with both boots, and bring her back to the 77year old woman who has handled them before, will again, who knows that feelings are like weather fronts, they come and they go. Half of what you can think of will never happen. Half you NEVER thought of WILL happen. There is no way to make the decisions other than day by day. I know just how this feels; you have my heart. And remember, depression is an honest response to losses, and the future looking like MORE losses. Let her tell you all about it. When she says "I am depressed" ask her what right now seems like the worst thing to her". Let her know you hear her. Would you not want the same. Let her know that you know it IS hard, and not everything has an answer, but you will limp along together. For most of us, isn't it what we need most? To simply be heard.
Stop trying to get your mother to do things. Get yourself treated for depression. Whether that's talk therapy, a new hobby, long walks, combination of all of those, is up to you. You can't live your mother's life for her. Live yours.
RB, Such a brutal cycle. I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
Are you able to go for a walk without her? She can sit and be miserable and you can go get your blood flowing.
One thing I did with my dad was take him shopping with me. I spent more time in Costco and Sam's club then at home I think. But I used it to exercise him and keep me from going crazy with the constant crap that he gave me when he was not otherwise occupied. They are temperature controlled environments that we could have a cool drink and a snack for a reasonable price. I did my shopping one item at a time for a while. Just what worked for me.
You know that you can only do so much for her and I bet you know that she likes making you miserable, so take that power away from her and let her stew if that is what happens. Some people aren't happy unless they are miserable and making others miserable, from all you have shared I think your mom may be one.
Take care of you and keep your eyes on the prize that she will be going back to her apartment when they are ready, no ifs, ands or buts, she goes.
If you feel she is going to "snow" her doctor, then I would write a letter to the doctor, with some specific examples of her behavior and either deliver it to the doctor's office prior to the visit or just hand it to them when you get there if you are going with her. If she has not had a neuropsych evaluation, I would suggest . you have the doctor order one; based on symptoms, Medicare should pay for it. I have never heard of dementia brought on by allergy meds. It can be very important to determine the type of dementia a person has and without a diagnosis, the limited treatment options there are cannot be properly applied. Understanding as much as possible about what is going on in the brain is helpful, at least for me, it is. You seem to be doing all the right things for yourself; it is not surprising that we deal with our own depression due to the circumstances of caring for family members with dementia.
dogparkmomma, the allergy meds and dementia is a recent study and it is benadryl that was sighted as having a connection. Just more nonsense because the powers that be don't want to admit that feeding us poisoned foods has anything to do with the rise in dementia and autism. Would you like some roundup with that doesn't sound as good as would you like an apple pie with that.
My daughter and I have had this discussion repeatedly...sometimes the cycle of life is hard. We all know that this "season" of our life is coming, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It is a sad time of life and it takes time to find your way of dealing with it. I am on year 8 of dealing with my moms dementia and I think I handle it better today than I did 8 years ago, but there are still days where I cry and there are days when I dread seeing her. I used to feel guilty feeling that way, but those are my real emotions. You are entitled to feel the way you feel. Be honest with your mom and tell her you feel down and sad and that you are working through it and you hope you can help her do the same. Admitting to each other that you're both down might open the door to helping each other see good in each day.
For starters, why don't the two of you share your feelings together. Take one day at a time. Learn mindfulness. Face your depression & write in a journal about it. Depending on why you are depressed, medications might help. I would seek a therapist. You two ought to find something you like to do together.
I'm sorry I have read the OP and all the answers and I am still unsure whether the OP is more bothered about mother's lack of interest in doing things or her own depression. Either way it sounds like neither of them has the correct drug regime in place - having said which antidepressants may help reduce depression but a number of them leave one totally disinterested in life. lifting depression does not mean jolly happiness. There is also the very big question of neurotic or psychotic depression which unfortunately from most Drs I have come across is not something they have the time to spend accurately determining. An appointment for mum with an elder psych may help determine her position in this regard.
Hi TaylorUK, I'm the OP, I'm bothered by both. Her lack of interest only if I say I'm going to do something too. Like I have to coax her. I think I'm just tired of the cycle.
There are many books on kindle that give things to do for people who need to connect with reality. I downloaded just the samples and now have many ideas. My favorite have to do with art therapy as art has always been an interest of both my mother and me. One activity I got from A Place for Mom. I made a match game with pictures from Norman Rockwell that I printed from the internet then cut out and glued on paint chips from the home store. One game is to match the pictures that are the same. The other game is to pick a picture and tell about a similar time in your lives. So far it’s been fun.
Why is depression not a good and honest feeling, reaction to all that goes on as we age? We are expected to be HAPPY along with all else we go through medically, along with all the losses one after another without any hope of change, only more losses coming. Would "happiness" under these circumstances not seem honestly quite BIZARRE? It is a long slow slide, it is knowing you will get weaker. For me depression is the only logical and smart choice. I don't get the whole thing with trying to make it happy all the time. For me it would be "I am so sorry; can you tell me what is bothering you most. What you feel. What you are fearful of. I understand how you must feel, because the old adage about Old Age not being for Sissies certainly is true. Is there anything I can do to help you that I am able to?" Don't expect happy. Isn't happy a lot to ask of her right now? I resent the thought that every doctor you see now is ready to throw some pills toward you, as though you are a trained seal and they have fish. Do have the basics checked. Be certain there is no bladder infection, that there is not unaddressed pain. Then figure out with Mom what might help. Does she have any interest in listening to radio, working puzzles, a ride in the country? Anything you can think of. But DO KNOW that there may be nothing whatsoever you can do about this. Not everything can be fixed.
I understand what you say, but understand this..I do those things you suggested but I am saying I have my own diagnosed depression and we are both on antidepressants-her higher than mine (right now) but I have seen these symptoms in her most of my life. And with her staying with me just seems to cycle-but she never tries to help herself out of gloom and doom. Also, I agree with you about the HAPPY part that you mentioned. It is overrated, but there are other feelings not polar opposite as happy or sad. The contented, thankful feeling is one of them. So, no all those things you mentioned wouldn't make anyone happy! I choose to be hopeful and find peace in my surroundings and things like that but you can't make someone else do those things. I don't believe extended periods of depression is good. I have made her drs appts but she is going to try and snow her doctor as usual. And as a lot of people know-sometimes it is a way to get attention and to have something to do. I also know there are vast amounts of elderly who are keeping themselves busy and helpful and then those who give up on a daily basis. I FEAR I might end up like her if I don't do something to help myself now. So, I seek counseling and an antidepressant. And if she and I would do what our good doctors strongly suggest and get out and move around-walk- then we might feel better. One of us, isn't even willing to do that.
The doc has had my mom on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication ever since she was diagnosed with dementia. My mom has the type of dementia caused by years and years of taking Benadryl and other allergy related meds. They aren't sure how to deal with this type of dementia. I feel the antidepressants have helped her. I am struggling maintaining her and feel I could use some help myself with depression. Considering asking the doc to put me on one as well. I understand how you feel. It is hard enough to deal with your own challenges, aging and life in general, but tack on a parents and it's a bit much.
Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about it.
I know that can be difficult. If someone resist treatment, it's very challenging to convince them otherwise. Does she live with you? Are you her caregiver?
Yes, and yes, but going to her apartment maybe in a few months. She is bored and says that she can't do 'anything' in this heat. But does nothing to really help herself inside. Watch tv, stay in bed. same ol same ol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Cancelled the appointments due to severe weather. Reschedule to November. That was a mistake and the appts person will probably think I'm crazy when I call back and try to get her in sooner (than later)
I don't know how she is going to do on her own when she goes back to her apartment in a few months. Hard to think about and get in front of. I know she won't suddenly become her independent self and be able to manage her own affairs.
My counselor said I am catastrophizing and she is not off the mark. In my mind I'm trying to prevent the inevitable. ha
The above article right off the Forum's site is good, I think. We tend to pick up all the luggage that is set down, adding more and more to it until we could never conceivably carry it. We want to "fix it" all. In all truth, why is depression not an honest and APPROPRIATE response to all the losses that aging entails? Mom is likely just as scared as you that she cannot handle it, and as confused about where to go from there.
I am the master of catastrophizing. I can carry it out to all the hot water heaters exploding at once while the siding leaks and the walls run water. But I am so much better when I draw myself back in to TODAY. Right HERE and right NOW. I actually have taken to making a physical hand motion, both hands out, pulling back and pointing to my feet with them. Here I stand NOW. I have almost to pull the little girl in me, out there stomping up problems with both boots, and bring her back to the 77year old woman who has handled them before, will again, who knows that feelings are like weather fronts, they come and they go.
Half of what you can think of will never happen. Half you NEVER thought of WILL happen. There is no way to make the decisions other than day by day. I know just how this feels; you have my heart.
And remember, depression is an honest response to losses, and the future looking like MORE losses. Let her tell you all about it. When she says "I am depressed" ask her what right now seems like the worst thing to her". Let her know you hear her. Would you not want the same. Let her know that you know it IS hard, and not everything has an answer, but you will limp along together.
For most of us, isn't it what we need most? To simply be heard.
Are you able to go for a walk without her? She can sit and be miserable and you can go get your blood flowing.
One thing I did with my dad was take him shopping with me. I spent more time in Costco and Sam's club then at home I think. But I used it to exercise him and keep me from going crazy with the constant crap that he gave me when he was not otherwise occupied. They are temperature controlled environments that we could have a cool drink and a snack for a reasonable price. I did my shopping one item at a time for a while. Just what worked for me.
You know that you can only do so much for her and I bet you know that she likes making you miserable, so take that power away from her and let her stew if that is what happens. Some people aren't happy unless they are miserable and making others miserable, from all you have shared I think your mom may be one.
Take care of you and keep your eyes on the prize that she will be going back to her apartment when they are ready, no ifs, ands or buts, she goes.
Hugs!
Take care.
For me it would be "I am so sorry; can you tell me what is bothering you most. What you feel. What you are fearful of. I understand how you must feel, because the old adage about Old Age not being for Sissies certainly is true. Is there anything I can do to help you that I am able to?"
Don't expect happy. Isn't happy a lot to ask of her right now? I resent the thought that every doctor you see now is ready to throw some pills toward you, as though you are a trained seal and they have fish.
Do have the basics checked. Be certain there is no bladder infection, that there is not unaddressed pain. Then figure out with Mom what might help. Does she have any interest in listening to radio, working puzzles, a ride in the country? Anything you can think of. But DO KNOW that there may be nothing whatsoever you can do about this. Not everything can be fixed.
Also, I agree with you about the HAPPY part that you mentioned. It is overrated, but there are other feelings not polar opposite as happy or sad.
The contented, thankful feeling is one of them. So, no all those things you mentioned wouldn't make anyone happy! I choose to be hopeful and find peace in my surroundings and things like that but you can't make someone else do those things. I don't believe extended periods of depression is good. I have made her drs appts but she is going to try and snow her doctor as usual. And as a lot of people know-sometimes it is a way to get attention and to have something to do. I also know there are vast amounts of elderly who are keeping themselves busy and helpful and then those who give up on a daily basis. I FEAR I might end up like her if I don't do something to help myself now. So, I seek counseling and an antidepressant. And if she and I would do what our good doctors strongly suggest and get out and move around-walk- then we might feel better. One of us, isn't even willing to do that.
The doc has had my mom on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication ever since she was diagnosed with dementia. My mom has the type of dementia caused by years and years of taking Benadryl and other allergy related meds. They aren't sure how to deal with this type of dementia. I feel the antidepressants have helped her. I am struggling maintaining her and feel I could use some help myself with depression. Considering asking the doc to put me on one as well. I understand how you feel. It is hard enough to deal with your own challenges, aging and life in general, but tack on a parents and it's a bit much.
Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about it.