Hello. I’m 36 (f) and we have recently placed my 63 yr old mother on hospice care in her home. She has metastatic breast cancer that has eventually spread to the liver and she is actively in liver failure
I have two small children (2 1/2 and 18 months). My siblings and I have agreed to rotate in the apartment. Due to being the only one with children, I had to take the weekends since my husband is home from work.
He has been helpful and supportive but when I informed him again today that I would be staying over for the weekend. He got very upset. And stated that he has been caring for the kids alone for 10 days and needs a break. I offered to let him stay with her and I’ll stay with them but he refused.
I don’t know what more to do. This is important and certainly going to end in the near future. Hospice believe she may decline in the next 2 weeks, but he doesn’t seem to notice that or get the entire concept of this.
I don’t know how to navigate this? I feel resentful toward him right now. I told him I would take my youngest with me to lessen his burden and he said “he does not want him sitting there” - I’m at a loss. I just started a new job on Monday (planned prior to her decline) so it’s a whole lot on my shoulders.
If you read this far, thanks. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated
Your kids WILL survive w/o mommy's full time 24/7 care and attention right now too, trust me. Sometimes in life, priorities come up that force us to all make sacrifices for one another. This is what love does. And if dh is too exhausted to look after his kids while you sit with mom this weekend, then surely he can muster up enough strength to nod his head in agreement to hiring a babysitter. Pardon my sarcasm but this is a serious load you're bearing and you need real SUPPORT here, and not for 6 months or a year. For the short term future. You are about to lose your mom here. Things don't get much harder than this. Here's hubbys chance to shine like a silver dollar or to be another scratched penny in a bag full of them.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. God bless you.
update mom passed and I spent the weekend with her.
of course by Friday he felt sorry for how he was. Now of course, he feels even worse.
I told him I hope this helps reflects on this as I’m still slightly bitter but I think I have chosen to use my energy toward grieving my mother and remembering her life.
I’d personally just give yourself and your husband space to breathe and grieve before discussing what happened. Right now, you have a funeral to plan and go through. Talking with your husband is necessary but can wait for now.
I cannot know what your relationship is with this gentleman, or whether you can sit and talk together calmly to work out options, but the truth is that this is for a limited time, as you said.
If you absolutely CANNOT do this without acute marital discord I think you will need to let the other family members know that you cannot. Somehow funds will have to be come up with to get caregiver in; or hospice and social worker will need to seek in- facility hospice. You will have, through hospice access to a social worker. Go immediately that direction tho my recent experience with a hospice SW was abysmal.
So try to start with hubby with a sit down and ask him what he CAN do, and what time you CAN guarantee to your mom's end of life care with him watching the kids.
Ask him his reasons, as is he working and too exhausted; is he fearful of being solely responsible for such young ones. Ask him for his ideas to help in this time as your mom passes from you.
If hubby is unreasonable Dmfo, during this gentle sit down then tell him you will speak with family and let them know after THIS weekend that you cannot be there as you have been due to your children and his inability to care for them. Talk with family and with hospice to come up with whatever you are able. I know how tough this is. My friend died in December in home hospice and she had no one. Home help had to be hired and she had two friends coordinating everything for several months. It was a tight job. And we were lucky to find help at 20.00 an hour. VERY lucky.
You cannot risk your marriage at this time. However, you are being taught quite clearly, given your mother is currently dying, quite a lot here, and this lesson coming at a very very tough time. I would not have more children any time soon if you are unable, because you are being painted into a seriously tight corner with very little emotional support.
I have been blunt. I am very sorry. I hope you will find an answer and I hope you will find support and my heart goes out to you. This is too acute and immediate a situation for you to consider marriage counseling but you may need to in future.
I hope you will update us. What you cannot do you cannot do and that is not of a lack of love.
Staying there for entire weekends is too much. Since you are the only one with children, it makes the LEAST sense for you to be gone all weekend! Can you do a few shifts during the week instead? Missing 2 or 3 bedtimes per week is not the same as not being around all weekend, 2-3 days in a row.
Your kids are so young. They don't understand, or care, why Mama isn't around as much anymore. They just know you aren't there. The kids don't know why Dad is more short-tempered and less tolerant of them. It'll just make for more unhappy and nervous kids. And you feeling worse. I don't say that to make you feel terrible! You're stretched to the brink and you can't keep this up. No one could, without sacrificing themselves or their kids.
When I was 15, my very beloved paternal grandmother was dying of cancer. My dad was up at the hospital most all of the evenings and weekends. Worked all day, went to hospital, got home late, went back to the hospital early the next day, repeat. I was old enough to understand why and I didn't voice what I was feeling. I knew he was doing the best he could in the situation so I didn't gripe. But honest to God, I felt like I was in a single parent household all that summer. It was sad all around. Had I been way too young to understand why he was always gone, I'd likely be crying and acting out.
In a sense, it sounds like your husband is acting out too. I'm guessing he understands the situation but he's starting to crack. Your kids need both parents to be as a well-adjusted as possible when you're with them. They can pick up on it when Mama or Daddy is in a bad mood or sad. Neither of you can be super happy all the time, of course! But there needs to be as little stress put upon them as possible. They're about to lose their grandma too, and that's hard when a kid is too young to totally understand that grandma is not coming back.
If your mother was healthy and in her right mind, would she want you to spend weekends away from your kids? Even for her sake?
I would feel exactly the same way. I think your husband is being selfish. Also very selfish to refuse your kind friends who offered to watch. They’re not “babysitters”. They’re kind friends who could have made life easier for you, but he refused. I bet when it’s your husband’s turn (his parents), he’ll ask a lot from you. He’s selfish.
my friends have offered to come over with their children to entertain mine and keep watch and my husband declined.
he is extremely against babysitters and doesn’t like strangers watching his children.
I’ve offered to take them with me to my moms( as crazy as they get, she does perk up a bit to see them and kiss them)
he said he doesn’t like them there because she doesn’t like to put lights on and thinks my children will sit in the dark.
last night he expressed that he just needs me home. No other explanation. He’s a hands on dad. He takes on his share of the load. Sitting with them during dinner while I clean up after eating and bath time.
also the 10 days he is referring to really isn’t a full on 10. I was back and forth to the hospital prior to DC. We found out mid week that she will now need hospice. So this was all brand new to us. I was scrambling to figure out what we should do. There was a lot to coordinate and communicate to my siblings. I am legal POA so it was on me to make all the decisions and sign all the papers etc.
he was alone with the boys for bed maybe 3-4 days of that week and on the weekends he was alone for 4 hours on Saturday and 8 on Sunday.
she came home Sunday and since than my sister has been her primary caregiver until we could set something up. We figured week to week is up in the air.
we agreed to weekends for me, Monday and Tuesday for my sister (she’ll work weekends to have 2 week days off) and my brother took intermittent FMLA and will care for her Wednesday - Friday. and work on the other days. That’s the plan as of now. She may even pass before we get to next week, who knows.
the resentment is worst today than yesterday after the conversation.
when I told him This morning that I’ll do this weekend and figure it out from there, he just said okay.
i truly hate him right now and I’ve never felt that way.
my mother was one of our primary caregivers for the boys when we needed her. I’m so angry that this is how he’s acting to someone who moved to town and provided so much care to our children when she was well
I do like the idea of asking hospice about babysitters! I forgot who mentioned that but I’ll ask about that just to have in my back pocket!
my fear is she will pass and
If I were in your situation, I'd make a list of all the possible solutions that you feel are realistic and doable. Then show him this list and ask him to choose. If he doesn't like this, then inform him that sometimes there are no perfect solutions...only "least bad" options. Remind him that the situation is temporary. Remind him that you'd be doing it for *him* and *his* parents (if he has them still). Do what you can to help him feel like he and your marriage are still a priority (because this is also true). I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey!
Let your husband feel bad. For a bit. Then forgive him and move on.
((Hugs))
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