Someone turned me into elderly abuse. What are my rights?

they let me pay bills that were due immediately ONLY.Also I have supervised visits but they make sure to give her therapy prior, so she was responsive for 1 of 4 visits. Its ugly being under the eye of suspicion. Its a license for others to treat someone whos already feeling bad like crap. It is a horrible feeling to be guilty til proven innocent.

yes, Laura butler 28, I quit my job to give care and would have to cash out my IRAs etc to live on since I am not allowed to spend a dime of my mothers money on myself since the state we were visiting decided that I had my mother make out a new will when she suffers from dementia. yes, dementia, but it was considered legal as she was able to discuss her preferences without my being around, and had not been declared incapacitated. I will end up drained as my POA is no longer in effect so I cant use her money to defend myself much less buy a single grocery item. (Glad we have a pantry full of food!) . Really frustrating.Thanks for listening.

Are you saying you can't live where you are without your mom's Social Security? It's not clear.

fandango 12 -I have my money in IRAs and retirement from when I was working. I was hailed across the country to take care of things. I haven't had a chance to clear and move out of my apt of 23 years. Moms been paying the rent from afar which dad would've agreed with-now theres a long story and a temporary conservator. I flew out of town to take care of home issues that would jeopardize its stability. Roofers want money NOW, not when an agency gets to it.will they let me touch her funds for legit repair/maintenance issues other than the bills they will pay (and give late charges) or is that disallowed? I don't see how to run a house without petty cash.thx

To address the whole "whose money is being used for what"...it seems to me that if you are caring for a parent in your home or theirs, if you are providing caregiving or management or space, there should be a written contract. The same goes for if you move into the parent's home to do caregiving, this should be spelled out on paper. It protects all parties.

As they say, "No good deed goes unpunished" and this applies to helping elderly parents, especially those who have dementia and/or mental illness.

Your mom should have some sort of Social Security income of her own even if she didn't work(you didn't say). You also didn't say how old you are---whether or not you work (or worked), and what type of income you have. Medicare won't pay for Lomotil because it is an over the counter medication. Somebody evidently thought this case needed to be "looked in to"------and you knew somebody was coming to pay your home a visit or else you wouldn't have told your mom not to answer the door. If people aren't doing anything wrong they don't have anything to worry about!! I think you're in a bad situation financially, and figured her income would help you out. People with dementia are usually hard to get along with---can't be cured-----you should have taken the "heads up"
from your daughter's problems with her. She definitely needs to be in a nursing home, and you need to do what needs to be done to get her into one! And you need to move someplace where its more affordable for you---taking on the care of a dementia patient just adds more stress to your problem!!

We feel sorry for you. It is difficult enough to be a friend and helper to a parent, but to sustain what you have experienced is silly. Place her in a care home, when you visit her she will be appreciative.

I cared for my mom for 8 years who had dementia. My older sister however went to a psychiatrist and told them a lie, that I abused her, not my mom but her. Next thing I know a woman is at our door wanting to speak to my sister. I later found out she was a social worker who had brought paperwork for my sister to sign to send to APS. A woman showed up one day and briefly spoke to my sister and then to me. She started off by saying, "Your sister told me that on (date) you and her got into an argument and you grabbed her arms in anger leaving bruises and cuts all over her arms, is this correct? Right then, I was ticked, I was angry and pissed off because NONE of what she said was TRUE...NONE OF IT! I replied, "NO IT IS NOT CORRECT!" She then wanted me to sit and tell her the entire story as to what happened. I told her, if you want to know what actually happened, I have typed it all up and given it to my therapist, I will make you a copy! I went on to tell her that this is not the first time she has accused me of hurting her and so I pulled out a previous report I had typed up for my therapist and gave that to her as well. These arguments seemed to happen every year when I was getting ready to go on vacation and she would then have to care for our mother.

Anyway I found out that the woman was there on a fact finding mission. If she found anything that appeared to be abuse she would then hand it over to an attorney who would file charges against me. Thank God that did not happen and everything was dropped although I was never informed by APS even when I called to find out what was happening with my case.

In your instance the doctor or whomever turned you in must have felt there was a reason for concern. It sounds like you need your Mom's social security to help with monthly bills so you can both live together. There is nothing wrong with that but when you say Medicare would not pay for Lomotil, you needed to have the pharmacy call the doctor and ask for an alternative that Medicare will cover immediately or ask him if you could buy an over the counter product. You do not just walk away and forget it. Was this being used for diarrhea? Severe diarrhea can deplete your body of water and thus electrolytes, make you very ill or kill you over time.

If they brought in additional people they may be under the assumption that you are taking Mom's money and using it for your benefit while depriving your Mom of her needs. I think the advice of not speaking to anyone without first consulting an attorney may be best. You do not want to say anything that might further incriminate you in their eyes.

Admitting her to a hospital for anything that is happening with her or asking that she be put on a 72 hour hold because of her behavior may be your best bet and then immediately after she is admitted asking for a social worker and telling them that she needs to be admitted to a nursing home because you are unable to continue to care for her due to her worsening condition, Their staff will help you find a place for your Mom. Medicare pays for something like the first 20 or so days and in the meantime they will apply for Medicaid for her to continue to cover the costs.

You may ask for help for yourself as well and see if perhaps there is assistance with rent and other necessities.

Best of luck to you. Allow your Mom to be placed into a nursing home where she can get around the clock care and you can begin your life again.

I would like to tackle the logic of TooYoung's message. We talk a lot on the group about caregiver contracts, where someone actually receives some pay for the things done for a parent. Many people devote huge blocks of time to caregiving. Most of us probably receive little or nothing from it and end up watching our own money evaporate while we are caregiving.

If we embrace TooYoung's logic we should be willing to shop, cook, clean, transport, nurse, and do whatever else needs to be done at no charge. As someone who does this, I question that it is a wise thing to do. In my mind, if someone is donating time to caregiving, the care receiver can at least provide room and board at no charge. This to me would be particularly the case if the receiver wants to stay in their home, needs someone to stay with them, and depends on the caregiver for maintenance of their life.

So, is your mother's SS paying for everything, even your own expenses like food, gas, clothing, etc? Do you have any income whatsoever?

Why didn't you get the Lomotil? Who ordered it & why was it ordered? Obviously, your mother must have had serious diarrhea for a doctor to order Lomotil.

And why, if you are not doing anything wrong, would you not let in someone from APS to investigate the report If your mother really has dementia, and it has been documented by more than one physician, then what she said to the investigator cannot be considered reliable.

Are you living off just your mother's SS payments? Do you work or have any other income, such as unemployment, disability or food stamps? It sounds like that is the issue-----that you are spending your mother's money on your own things. That is a BIG no-no. Emotional/mental abuse, nastiness, & ordering you around are still no excuse to use her money for your own purposes. Your mother's SS money is HER money, not yours. Diapers, food, co-pays & "taking her places" certainly doesn't use up all of her SS money. Unless you're bringing her to 3 or 4 doctors every day of the week, co-pays can't be that much. And what "places" does a 90 year old woman have to go that you have to take her to? It seems as if you're complaining that her SS only pays for half of the utilities----that's all she should be paying if its only the two of you in the house. You should be paying the other half with your own money, not hers.

I hate to say this, but it sounds like your trying to justify using your mother's SS money for your own things because she is nasty & you think she is mentally/emotionally abusing you. If her mental/emotional abuse is so bad, you need to get her into a place where she is not abusing you. I think you are keeping mom around for the financial assistance you're getting from her SS.

So, hate to be picky, but when you were told that Medicare wouldn't cover the Lomotil, what did you do? Did you call the doctor's office and tell them that, to see if they needed to try to override that, or prescribe a covered drug? If you didn't, that would seem to me to be an indication that you are overwhelmed and depressed and need help with this situation. APS is there to try to distinguish between the folks who knowingly and with malice withhold treatment, and those who are simply overwhelmed. Don't be defensive with them. Accept help.

Thank you for the clarification.

It seems so unfair that you are busting your rear end taking care of her and for this you get reported. Any of us can be reported pretty much at any time by any mandated reporter (health care providers and others). Find yourself a room for rent or a shelter that will take you in and advise: APS, the doc, the family, and dear Mom in writing that you are moving out and specify the date. I know several women who have emotionally and socially 'divorced' themselves from their mothers due to serious abuse/bad behavior issues. Look for some free legal representation, you may need it. Sorry you are in such a fix.

APS = Adult Protective Services

Elder law atorneys will be of no help in cases like this. They rely on friendly cooperation with APS and law enforcement. Seek help from a criminal attorney please!

What's APS?

Victoria, dementia is a game changer. I pray you never experience having your set mother turn into someone whose brain is broken, who doesn't reason and who is suspicious and paranoid about everyone's actions. It's very different from taking care of a frail elder.

Bless your heart! Know exactly what you're going through only I'm an only child! Dementia and lies go together it seems!
I've wondered the same thing! My son is a PT in home health and he doesn't feel that could happen as long as you aren't abusing! My mom is 89 and I'm almost 71! My dad passed over 2 years ago and she's afraid to stay by herself at night! I have to bring her to my home sometimes and she is very difficult to handle!
My prayers are with you! Just keep saying - this too shall pass!

There can also be the complication of mental illness that magnifies the dementia or vice versa. The biggest thing here that I learned from my own experience is to not talk to any of these people (police, attorney generals, APS, etc) without an attorney present. These people should NOT be trusted to do the right thing. They believe themselves to be saviors of the elderly and are very self-righteous, in addition to be appallingly lacking in understanding and training on things dealing with the elderly and changes in mental status, dementia, etc. And given that elder abuse is a hot button item these days, these authorities immediately believe these elderly people to be nice "little old ladies" or "nice little old men" and believe us younger people to be the culprits, when often it's the elderly who are the perpetrators. Believe me, I dealt with this with my severely mentally ill father who also likely had early onset dementia, but was extremely adept at hiding both and in manipulating people to believe that he was an angel and that it was everyone else.

My advice is to trust absolutely nobody in your state's and city's legal system-- they're all very likely corrupt. I strongly suggest that you legally cut the ties with your mom ASAP--- i.e., stepping out of being her POA, visits with her, taking her to drs' and other appointments, taking care of her daily living needs, etc. Hand over all of those duties to someone else, whether it be another family member who can handle your mom or the state. Sever your relationship with her because her behavior won't change and she'll continue to cross this line over and over and you'll have nothing but heartache and high legal costs because of her. Your mental and physical health are far more important to maintain than any moral obligations or loyalties to a mother who doesn't care about you or respect you.

And to add...to claim elder abuse when it doesn't exist is wrong. Dementia is horrible..I've seen it happen to my friends mother.

Fandango12..to answer your question...my mother sold her house and now lives with me and my husband. She is lung cancer free for 17yrs, has COPD and arthritis is on O2 almost 24hrs/day. I do all the cooking, laundry, run errands, take her to appointments..and work a full time job.

champion1, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I think that people posting responses have come up with some good solutions. One question I have, though: If you are your mother's POA and you leave her at the hospital, as someone suggested, couldn't you be charged with abandonment of a vulnerable adult? I'm asking because I don't know the answer. Fandago12 is right on about not talking to the police (and maybe not even APS) without an attorney present, preferably an elder law one. The police and anyone else from your state's legal system who gets involved tend to be incompetent in their investigation and to listen to only one side of the story--- your mom's. Plus, your dealing with people who are more interested in looking like heroes so they can promote their careers by nabbing elder abusers than in finding out the truth. Believe me, I've been there and done that. If you have the medical POA of your mom, get an attorney to legally (in writing) release you of that duty. Without a POA and if no other family or friends want to assume the responsibility, the state will assign a POA for your mom and she'll become a ward of the state. As others have stated, you need to protect yourself. Best wishes as you work your way through this mess.

Victoria, in other words, you have never had the experience of being a full time caregiver for someone with dementia, is that correct?

I'm reading most of the comments here. My mom lives with me..doesn't have dementia but I could NEVER just leave her at an ER?! Seriously..is that even a consideration? The elderly have diseases like dementia...its not your mom being nasty..its the disease. Guess it's a good thing she never dropped off her kids at a police station when they woke up every 2 hrs or had colic...good grief. Elderly deserve better.

LauraButler is 100% correct. Believe me, an overzealous investigator and the wrong judge could land you in the can.

It is not wrong to walk away. She will take 25 or 30 years of your life away from you. It is destroying your immune system. Every genetic disease you have will come out. Cancer, dystonia/parkinsonisms. Start exercising now, get counseling, free and there are shelters. Your own life is most important. I lost 30 years of my future. Nursing homes do not put up with what she is doing to you. Mother theresa said you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else, it almost killed her. Dont let your heart be your guide now. Leave and don't look back.

Regarding “Granny Dumping” I’ve experienced this situation in a relationship with a woman who was in total renal failure and on dialysis – she finally developed vascular dementia at age 51. I cared for her as long as possible (10 years) and then one day when she was screaming that (imaginary) fire was coming from electrical outlets I knew that she could never be left alone again, even for short periods. I called the ambulance and she was taken to a hospital. My refusal to take her back home was how she landed in an excellent nursing home with dialysis. I was there twice per day, every day until she died and I was with her when she took her last breath. However, when she was in the nursing home I had loads of people telling me what I SHOULD be doing. All of these people had something in common…for all their advice, not one of ever offered to help or even sit with her so I could have a short break. My point is that she was placed in a nursing facility but she was NEVER abandoned or dumped. Big difference.

Many things can go wrong when you are doing your best.
My gram was in a wonderful "boarding home" in the 80's. A social worker came in and decided she should be in a NH because she didn't walk anymore. My mom and uncle had to go to court to keep her there with her "family". The judge asked the social worker "do you think you know more about this woman than her children?". She said yes. He asked my mom what gram would do if the home fought fire. Mom said she would kick out a window and climb out. She stayed in the home till she passed away. Now my mom is going down the ALZ slope and refuses to participate in activities and work on keeping her mind active, which I'm told will speed her decline. I see NH in her future and feel helpless to help her stay in the retirement home. I do her meds, but have to use a locked box that dispenses them, help with cleaning her room, snacks, and I do her laundry because she wants me to, etc. never imagined the anguish these years would bring!

YOUR rights are slim and none. APS will take over anyway, but will try to put you in JAIL!! YOU NEED IMMEDIATE LEGAL HELP - FROM A criminal attorney!! Try a local legal aid services group and best of luck to you.