Two children are not helping their father, could that be considered elder abuse or elder neglect?
His daughter rarely sees him and his son never visits. Both will call him occasionally. He lives alone as he has been divorced for many years. Neither of them will invite him over for the holidays. My issue is once when he was in the hospital - before I began working for him - he signed over his house to his children and his daughter is his POA. His money is running out and I have drastically cut my hours from 6 per day to 4 per day and now it's just 2 hours per day. I'm there to make sure he eats and takes his meds. I hate to leave him alone, so I'll stay, when time permits, for 3 to 4 hours and not charge him. He's been recently diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia. My concern is that he's worried about his finances and would like to get his house back in his name but his daughter won't hear of it. What he wants is a reverse mortgage but it doesn't look like they're going to budge. His daughter told him that getting a reverse mtg is a bad idea. I have started the process for him to get help with IHSS (In-Home Supportive Services), but that might take a while before it kicks in. I have been a private CareGiver for a man (79) for almost two years now. My question is: With what his two children are doing, by not helping him, could that be considered elder abuse or elder neglect?
In the meantime, see if you can find a professional social worker or minister or agency that works with the elderly. You need local advice on what to do. In some areas, APS is almost worthless or so overburdened that they may not be of much help. Also find out if there are elder law attorneys in your area. Most will give free advice or direct you to the right source.
You should be aware that when someone hears that an elderly person needs more hours, they may think that you are just looking for extra work or money. That is a primary reason that you need to document what you used to do and what are limited to doing now.
A thought; sometimes persons with Dementia worry about money, even they have more than enough resources. The background you provided did not make it clear whether you know for certain that he is running out of money or whether he is just telling you that he is.
Also has he been formally diagnosed with a type of Dementia? Or is that an opinion based on his symptoms?
Do be careful and if you need employment, you should begin to look for another assignment. It is often hard to accept that someone you care for is NOT your legal responsibility. You cannot changes his family's reactions to his behavior. You must protect yourself.
Try peacefully talking to the POA daughter. Calmly. Get your information straight and "legally" correct. See how that goes. If there is a lot of pushback and you are not being paid and this gentleman is in danger...then call APS. The kids will not enjoy dealing with them.
FYI: MANY adult children take a giant step away from elderly parents. So many reasons why. As a person who had a poor relationship with my mother all my life, I have found it very hard to deal with her after daddy died. She doesn't "enjoy" my company and I have sometimes had to take 4-6 month breaks and not see her. Now she is developing dementia and has become so much kinder, I can be around her and not go insane within 5 minutes.
If you "knew everything" perhaps you'd have a better understanding of this man's kids. You are an angel to work extra hours for no pay....I do wish you luck in all of this.
My mom has always been hard to deal with. But now that she's 85 and blind she's impossible to deal with. There are issues between us that go way back, but the most recent was her treatment of our dad while dying of prostate cancer. There were signs of mental and physical abuse. We had to move him to a nursing home, when all he wanted to do was pass in peace in his own home. But mom would not utilize the help we lined up and did not like strangers in her home. She verbally abused him and did so with her windows open so neighbors could hear. She obviously had issues with his past affairs, but choose to stay with him and hate him. I think she considered his cancer a punishment for his behavior. Sad.
Fast forward to today, she's as helpless as a baby, refuses to cooperate, won't use tools that benefit blind people, wont write a will, wont sign DNR, won't sell her home, can't live in it with out help, can't afford but 3 months of paid help...the list goes on and on. She did give my sister and brother POA. And every time her future is discussed she accuses me and sister of wanting to put her away and that we're really not helping her at all and all she wants is to go home and do the best she can. The truth is we never mention nursing homes, we are trying to make her living with us work. It is emotionally and physically draining trying to help her. My siblings and I have all gotten so frustrated with mom that we have have all wanted to dump her off at her home and walk away. But we too have worried about getting charged with elder abuse and neglect.
All that said, perhaps his son and daughter have similar issues with him. You never know. I think fate or karma has a way of catching up with all of us in the end. Talk to the daughter, be professional and try not to be too judgmental, until the facts are in. Good luck and God bless your kind heart.
I understand that there are cases of elder neglect.
I am one who wants to do all I can, but mom and dad both in poor health, living in big home, almost 2 hours away. Refused thoughts of moving, help, etc. I have been battling stage 3 breast cancer, and we are trying all we can to help them, raise a son, and work to cover my medical bills.
916nana- I pray you find your help, and God bless you for your loving care of this man.
I am grateful this is such a place of grace for all to come for information we seek. Thank you all!
In another situation, my friend wondered why her elderly neighbor rarely got a visit from her son. As it turned out, the son was working his butt off at his job plus a single divorced parent and his boss wouldn't let him have the days off he needed. A month later, the son started to visit his mom again after he was able to change his work hours. We cannot judge!
Are you comfortable enough to speak frankly to the POA/Daughter, about your concerns about her Dad's care? Does she provide him with enough financial resources to take care of her monthly needs and personal wants, or is he fully capable of managing his ow monies and bill paying? Maybe this "running out of money", is her way of forcing him to accept the fact that he needs additional care, such as Assisted Living, in which case they would have to sell his home, to pay for that, or certainly speak with a elder care financial layer, to access how to arrange his board and care needs. Obviously at some point he will no longer be able to continue to live alone in his own home, and I certainly hope they aren't planning to rob him of what is probably his biggest asset! Why did he sign his home over in the first place? What are his capabilities, or lack there of?
And why is it, that neither of his children will plan to spend the Christmas holiday with him? Is there some significant dysfunction in play from the past?
Something is very Off in this situation, and they are clearly not treating him very nice, so ther must be a lot more to this story, to basically abandon him, when he obviously need more help, than they are addressing.
You have been stuck in a very uncomfortable position, but it is clear that you care for this gentleman. Getting a needs assessment is definitely on the right track! You are wise ti reach out, and hopefully you will get some good ideas from the awesome caregivers on this site!
You will have to share more info, but that is part of making the best of the gaining great advice here, and it is nice, that it is all anonymous too!
Good luck finding ideas towards a better solution! Happy Holidays!
I had to deal with that with my own parents who refused to leave a house with a lot of stairs, and both were fall risks, and Mom refused caregivers and cleaning crews. It's becomes so very stressful to the grown child when one's parents do that, that it becomes a point where you just want to shrug your shoulders and walk away, but still watching from a distance.
Sounds like the grown daughter is using tough love on her Dad, hoping that he will take notice that he needs much more help. Don't throw a wrench into this by staying more hours and not charging him.
No, this isn't elder abuse/neglect because the person still has a clear enough mind to do for himself.
As for a Reverse Mortgage, I would not recommend it in this case. It is only good if the person has enough money to live on and wants more money to use for investments, vacation, remodeling, etc.
California is a filial responsibility state. They can go after the children who received assets or refuse the Medicaid application.
I always tell people to avoid reverse mortgages. Most of the lenders are hungry predators who foreclose rapidly.
I agree with cwillie on both points -- send your bill to the POA. Mention in a brief note any concerns you have about the man's safety. If the POA will not allow the hours he needs, or if he needs more than you can provide, contact APS.
Thank you for your answer. I appreciate it.
Keep a log of your hours and send POA daughter the bill, and if you are concerned he isn't safe living on his own ask APS to investigate.