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Stepdad is in charge of finances, won't accept help and won't appoint a POA. Mom defers to him. In the process of moving, we discovered that dad wasn't paying some bills at all (was under the impression that he had "cancelled" them by simply not paying). And he has been *way* overpaying other bills -- like thousands of dollars on old cell phones they haven't used in at least a year. He also was ordering tons of magazines that they weren't reading. The list goes on... My brother and I have paid off and closed some old accounts that we are aware of, but have no idea what else is out there and dad doesn't want anyone in their business. They have both been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, but it's gone beyond that. (Example: Every time stepdad sees how much their assisted living community costs -- it's actually one of the more affordable ones-- he says "Per month!?!?!" Then, I write down everything for him again, explaining how they can afford this and that it will be ok. He says ok, then the next time he sees the number, he freaks out again.) Stepdad skipped a neurology appointment last month in their old town, so we're trying to set up a new one, but it's a lift -- he doesn't want to go and I don't live there. He won't acknowledge that he has any issues or needs any help. Is there a legal way for us to help with their finances? They don't have a lot of money and my brother and I don't want a cent -- we simply want to make sure bills are getting paid and that they are *not* paying for things they are not using. We want to help them stretch their funds as far as possible, so they can live out their remaining years in comfort. Help!

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Reading what you posted about healthcare POA - tell mom's doctor that dad is incompetent to make any decisions for her or for himself. Certainly dad's PCP doctor should be told this too. A neurologist is not needed to determine incompetence. A PCP can size that up quickly. Here's one way a PCP did it with my LO: "So tell me, where did you grow up?" LO could not answer the question but attempted to sidestep it by saying, "Well, that's been a long time ago." Doctor tried by rephrasing the question. LO still didn't know. LO still doesn't know. Also didn't recall what their occupation had been when working. Still doesn't. Geriatric doctors are savvy.
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I'm glad you and your brother are aware of the problem. Clearly stepdad isn't capable of handling his finances now.

I wonder if he'd accept a person other than you and your brother to be his "bookkeeper?" Such as your neighbor who used to work as an accountant and could manage things for him. That's a long shot, but gotta be creative.

Also, if stepdad isn't using online bill pay, he might be interested if you could convince him that it would save him a lot of time and it's so nice not to have to write checks every month. Once autopay is set up, the money goes directly from his bank to the creditor on schedule, and of course you or brother would have to help him set it up. You'd then have his passwords and could monitor the accounts. This is perfectly legal; all you're doing is "helping" with his perission to do so. Eventually he'll forget what's even going on.

Ideally you'd see an eldercare lawyer who would tell you how to get control of everything so you could take care of these elders who no longer can cope. You should make an appointment and see what the lawyer has to say.

My dad had outdated phones and burglar alarms that no longer worked, and he'd been paying for them for 10 or 15 years. Money down the drain! So I get how important it is to clean things up and cancel immediately.

About the neurology appointment, you already know what you need to know. Putting a medical name on it as to Stage 3 or 5 or whatever makes no difference in the practicality of the situation. You can keep trying with the med appointment, but as you know, preserving their money is way more important, so put most of your energy into that.
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HelpMeHelpThem Nov 6, 2023
Thanks, Fawnby. Great guidance. The reason the neurology appointment matters is that stepdad carries long-term care insurance (not mom) and he might not qualify under the ADLs provision, but likely would under the cognitive impairment provision. This is a major part of the plan for paying for their long-term care.
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Social services would likely have the State take guardianship if you and your brother demur.

In your shoes, I would get a consultation with an Elder Law attorney on how to best protect your mom.

Does step-dad have any children?

Lawyer can advise on splitting of assets, help with Medicaid application and the like.
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HelpMeHelpThem Nov 6, 2023
Thank you, Barb. He does have a couple of kids from previous marriages -- one of whom he has very occasional contact with. About 20 years ago, he removed that child from his will and the other child has never been listed. My brother and I (stepkids for 45 years) have been the steady, involved children in our parents' lives over the decades. I have mentioned to stepdad on multiple occasions that if he'd like to add his biological son back into his will, he should absolutely do that. (Frankly, I don't think there will be any money left, so it's probably a moot point.) Or if he wants me to be in contact with his son about their situation or whereabouts, to please let me know. I hate to leave guardianship to the state (both my brother and I are entirely capable of helping with finances and/or anything else), but at this point, I think my stepdad is entering a paranoia stage of dementia and becoming non-trusting of people he has trusted his entire life. I think you're right that an attorney might be necessary. So sad.
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I had a stepdad in-law who stubbornly had trainwreck finances and was happy to accept our help but not assign us real authority through a PoA. He thought we were his care plan. I reported him to social services and they acquired guardianship of him. This is after I explained that this was Plan B if he didn't make someone his PoA.

You can try explaining this to your SF, but sounds like he won't remember it. Guardianship may be in his future.

Does your Mom have a PoA? I would make sure it isn't him...
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HelpMeHelpThem Nov 6, 2023
Thank you for the thoughts. Neither one of them has appointed a financial POA, so my understanding is that it auto defaults to each other, which is a recipe for disaster. As for a healthcare POA, they are each other's first in line; I am second in line. We have chosen *not* to initiate the healthcare POA on the advice of mom's doctor because at this point, it would give full authority to stepdad to make all medical decisions on her behalf. He wouldn't take well to guardianship -- it would break the family apart. Could social services appoint guardianship to someone besides me or my brother? With any of our other (or our spouses') parents, this wouldn't be an issue. We are ethical and trustworthy and don't want a thing except for them to be safe and secure.
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