My 84 yr. old mother has lived me me for 5 years, since my Dad passed away. Over the last few years, I've noticed her forgetting a lot of little things, but lately she seems to make up horrible things that are happening to her and "assumes" it's someone in our household doing this. It's me, my husband and my 11 year old son, and the accusations and stories are unreal and so stressful. My husband is a saint and tries to console me, but sometimes she thinks we are hiding her medication or swapping out her pills, but she can never show me the proof of what she found. Just yesterday she said she found a tissue in her bathroom filled with semen. I tried to assure her that it was most likely from my son who had been home sick with the flu and that he either went up to her apartment and dropped it or the dog carried it up, but all she said was "I knew you would never believe me" and then it ended up in a full blown argument in which she said she wanted to leave and knew I just want her dead. She didn't even have the tissue. She said it was in the garbage and she already took it out. I don't know where to turn, I've been so good to her and make sure she has everything she needs, but she still feels she is independent and nothing is wrong. This is tearing me up and I just want her to get the help she needs, but I don't know what to do.
- Sad one
And the one that covers a lot of sins, "Mom, I'm really sorry that I haven't been there enough for you. I'm trying. I hope you'll be patient with me because I'm having a difficult time, but I know you understand because you've always been there for me." People at every stage of life need validation and like to be valued. When our buttons are being pushed, we have to turn to playacting to make them happy and keep our own lives from becoming miserable.
Also, at a calm time, get her to update her POA, Living Will and execute a Medical POA as well. The Medical POA will cover you at all of the doctor's offices
I agree with the others who say it would be best to have her evaluated medically. It is possible there is something wrong that could be treated.
Meanwhile, learn how to deal with this stage if it is dementia. Applying those techniques can't hurt, no matter what the actual cause of the behavior is. Also take some consolation that if it is dementia this stage does not last forever.
A psychiatrist talks to the patient, a half dozen various social workers, psychologists, etc. examine them and tests are done, verbally I believe. My mom was in Geri Psych for six days. Then she was discharged to AL to see how the new meds were going to work. Ultimately very well I’m glad to say, although mom has sundowner syndrome pretty regularly. The staff manages that and says she’s a doll. Mom likes AL and believes she’d like to stay there.
So now we have dad running loose which has never been the greatest idea, he likes to spend money. Except for buying a new Honda he’s handling the house maintenance and bill paying well. Responsible spending apparently.
So get mom assessed. Medicare pays for most of it.
On a longer-term basis, could you take her in for a flu shot or the pneumonia vaccine or the shingles vaccine as a pretext to getting her more fully tested? Or take her for her annual physical? Before you do that, you write out what you're telling us and you get that to her doctor and ask him to read it before her visit. He needs to understand what is going on with her, even if he can't discuss it with you.
Polarbear is right - arguing with her won't get you anywhere. You need to "join her in her world" and try to distract her instead of telling her she's wrong. But you first need to get her assessed, if at all possible, to figure out what you're dealing with.
Obviously, something is very wrong with her mentally. Her doctor will be able to help her or refer her to a specialist.
Trying to reason with her is a lost cause. It will gets you both more upset.