I have no idea what topic to put this under. The last couple of days have been brutal. It took everything I had to get mom's doctor to order something for a UTI when she was having the very same symptoms as last time. As I scour thru topics to find help and guidance I see "Elder Abuse" but absolutely nothing about "Caregiver Abuse". I have gone thru something the last few days that was just brutal and I'm sitting here this morning still numb from what all has happened and still could happen today. NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND unless they have WALKED in our shoes. Everyone kept telling me to separate myself from what was happening because mom couldn't help it. DUH!!!!! I know she couldn't help it AFTER I figured out what was happening. But that doesn't help me know how to separate myself. HOW do you separate yourself? Can someone please share with me.
I don’t go away, except perhaps for a few minutes, because there are things I’ve **promised** to do for her, such as take her out into the sun or sit with her to make sure she has the whole hour she often needs to eat lunch. (Which things tend to redirect her, anyway.) I always try to keep my promises, which I do for **myself**, for the (remembered) mother I love, and to help the caregivers. I know that the biting, screaming, and apparent sociopathic grin are NOT my mother … they’re from her diseases. She was never a narcissist, and she and I were always on good terms … I remember those things, and I remember that normally she’s polite and thankful. Sometimes I have to go out of her room and lean on something and just TELL one of the nurses or CNAs that this flaming b***h is NOT my mother, and they give me a hug and say that they know. And once or twice I’ve gone to bed clutching a large teddy bear.
Long ago I learned that I’m in charge of my own emotions. Nobody can MAKE me feel anything or really hurt me, unless I let them. The hard part is remembering this! In this case, it’s easier for me than it is for you, because I’m only with my mother about 4 or 5 hours a day when she’s at the rehab … then I can get away.
Easy for me to say, as I never was mom's direct caregiver.
My role was to be the daughter, the cheerleader and the watchful eye. Its just too hard to do both the clinical and the "loving" part, especially when youve had a less than perfect relationship.
Hoping that this information can be used by someone down the road who reads this thread. Love you, Katie, and I'm so sorry that you are hurting from your loss. (((((hugs))))))
Since this is a repeated UTI, I'd schedule a time to discuss with her doctor, after the crisis is over. I have learned that repeated infections may be something that is futile to treat. I've been doing some reading about it and discussing with my LO's doctor. Are there other options? I'm exploring that now.
My mother has suffered from chronic UTIs for many years. It wasn't until we had to hospitalize her, because she was dehydrated and having seizures that we found a wonderful help. The doctor said, "I don't think it is going against her living will to put in a catheter, get a sample, and take it out." (We were unable get a clean catch.) That was the only way to find out which bacteria we were dealing with.
Before that, the professionals were guessing at which antibiotic to treat her. Once I agreed to the catheter and the, "very rare" bacteria was identified, they were able to give her the correct antibiotic. It has been many months since she has suffered from another ITU.
It's nearly impossible for me to take him to the doctors but I found a transport chair at the Swap meet for $50 & that helps a lot. I take snacks and a magazine for him.
I keep a sense of humor about everything & try to keep him smiling to calm him down. He hardly talks but I still tell him about everything happening & hope that some of it gets through. His balance is bad, I put handles all around his room to help him & a commode next to his bed. I found that wooden puzzles keep him busy. I had him put seeds into a pot and we watch that grow together. He reads the paper everyday because that is what he always did. It's been two & a half years now & so far so good. Music helps a lot. There is respite (free time off for caregivers). See what is available in your city. Four hours or...... a day off, makes you feel like a normal human being again.
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