Hotflash47 Asked February 2019
Verbal abuse; What do I do?
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How do you stand up to verbal abuse? My mom is no where near a dementia state, I know she is unwell and unhappy about it, but to flat out lash out and abuse me when I’m trying to help? Screaming at me because I’ve forgotten to bring something? Throwing her hands up in the air because I don’t know what drawer she keeps whatever in? What do I do? I think I need to hire the caregiver for the weekends, too. This is not right.
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You remove yourself from it.
Your profile doesn't mention dementia; has a thorough workup been done?
If mom is cognitively intact, then she can learn that if she screams, you go away and don't help.
If mom has dementia, you removed yourself from the abuse--win/win.
Don't stand around and get screamed at!
Why should she treat you kindly when being a snit gets her everything she wants and a pizzing post in the process?
It is okay to tell anyone that their treatment is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If you can't treat me nice then I will not be around, period. Oh, I'm sorry you need help, then behave like a civilized human being and treat me like one. Every time she gets ugly, you get gone. I have canceled my dads doctor visits because of the ugly behavior. It didn't take long for him to realize that treating me like a scratching post got really bad results. Not feeling well is an excuse, not a reason.
Does she verbally abuse the hired in home care givers too? Or is she pleasant with them and vents on you and other family exclusively? Even with dementia, if the person is still capable of selectively choosing their target, then some level of control is still working. The dementia patient is not able to consistently exercise control, but as long as the behavior includes selective targeting he/she can reduce the level with family too.
I suggest getting an old fashioned sand glass timer (maybe one for 10-30 minutes) and after explaining to mom that she's in "time-out" whenever she's verbally abusive just turn the timer over and leave the room. Place the timer where she can easily see it but cannot get to it.
Since your mother doesn't have dementia, I would also have a conversation with her along the lines of "people who are nicer get better treatment from their care givers" and "if you are nasty enough, no care giver will want to care for you here in your home; you need care givers so when we cannot hire anyone anymore you will need AL". This is reality and if she is cognitively intact this is a reasonable conversation because it is so true.
Don't let yourself be embarrassed by your mother's behavior. She's not a child you are/were responsible for teaching or enforcing proper behavior.
Mom is extremely nice and caring to the outside caregiver that comes during the day. She asks politely and says please and thank you. But as soon as I get there, it's not asking it's "Get me this, get me that, why can't you find this." She is safe enough to leave overnight but when I got there early this morning she accused me of putting her medication that she needed "all night long and I couldn't get it!" in another room, when I proceeded to show her that it was in a little box she packed up for herself RIGHT THERE ON HER BED. She was extremely embarassed when I showed her it was 2 inches away.
I promise you she does not have dementia. This was a clear case of, "you weren't here to wait on me all night so it must have been somewhere else." I told her about some other early morning behavior last night and she denied it, but didn't totally disbelieve it...
She is medicare eligible for a SNF until this Saturday. Is it too late to get the order and put her in one? She has said it wouldn't be out of the question since the daytime caregiver is racking up hundreds of dollars a week.
Ugh.
My Mom was told once, they lash out at the ones they love. We tend to forgive them. I really hate this word, but this really is "unacceptable". (I call it the teacher word)
I agree with Barb, you walk away but I also think you have a right to say "Mom, you really don't need to talk to me like this. I am sorry you don't feel well. I am sorry you have lost your independence. But this is not my fault and I don't need to be treated like a child. If you would prefer an aide on the weekend then I can arrange it. I don't mind doing for you but I refuse to have you scream at me when I am doing my best" Then walk away and let her think about what you have said. After that, everytime she gets abusive, walk out of the room.
Some of it may be the roles are now reversed and she doesn't like she now has to be cared for. Some love the attention, others hate that they have lost their independence.
When you find yourself not getting anything positive even if it's just the self satisfaction of knowing you are taking care of her it's probably something she doesn't really need you to do for her and you probably shouldn't. If what she wants from that drawer isn't a medication she needs and she is berating you for looking in the wrong place so all you want is to get put of there or worse yell back at her, I would suggest stopping and just telling her that since you can't do it right you shouldn't be doing it at all. If she is going to treat you that way she should get someone else to do that chore or favor for her. Keep doing this with things you don't feel important to keeping her healthy and safe, so the minimum unless her treatment and behavior change in which case you will want to do things that make her happy not just sustain her safety and health. Am I explaining that well enough? This way you are caring for her but you aren't trying to please her, that takes some of her power to make you fell lacking away and if she decides to start treating you better you will probably want to be around more and do little things that make her happy more but be careful about getting to that place where you are simply trying to please this person who doesn't really want to be pleased.
Absolutely get some help coming in if you are able and go ahead and have them more than just weekends if need be too. In fact you are taking care of her needs by making arrangements for someone else to be there doing the physical interaction and if you not being around as much to be that physical presence helps buffer some of you feeling used and mistreated all the better, you will be accomplishing the best situation for both of you, she is cared for and you aren't as stressed. Take some of that emotional control back by removing yourself from the fire if that's what it takes. I would fully support letting her know what is wrong and what you are doing for yourself, for her and for your relationship but don't fight with her don't do it at an emotional time and don't feed her need to control you with negativity whether or not she is aware of it.
She is in her room eating (I cooked dinner for her) and I am sitting at the dining room table two rooms away.
I’m waiting any minute for, “Geez you’re not very talkative,” or some other quote she’s thrown my way over the years because I’m not sitting next to her, talking to or entertaining her. I am in a completely different room. She is eating. She has what she needs I don’t need to do any more.
The anxiety attack I’m having is overwhelming but I’m sticking to it. I have ALWAYS felt responsible for her happiness and put mine on the back burner for all of my 47 years on this planet. I’ll get through this anxiety attack. I always do. Today was an especially bad day with her accusation this morning. I kind of just don’t want to talk to her right now. I shouldn’t be so emotionally stuck, and this emotional heaviness is just draining me dry, but she said these mean things to me while I was changing and cleaning her commode bucket. Of all the times to be cruel.
Lord knows I didn’t expect her to grovel on blended knee thanking me for this, but I also didn’t expect a, “What the &#*! do you want me to do” answer to any simple question I’ve asked. And never mind asking her if she’d like to shower today, she thinks I’m insulting her hygeine and thinks she must smell bad.
So, let the doctor on Monday tell her that.
I’m so over it.
I don't care if they're having a bad day, a headache, or heartburn. No excuses. I won't be the verbal pincushion. They've seen the last of me for awhile.
I understand a disabled individual cannot be abandoned for abusive behavior. But I'm thinking there's probably some consequence you can impose. Time to get creative! Pretend you're temporarily deaf for nonessentials like "Get me the #%*@ remote!" Or "Bring me a GD Twinkie, you $%@*!" Shut the door and let them curse. You may return to an improved attitude. Maybe.
I was grabbed once and pinched really hard. This was accompanied by some language. I gently took her wrist and removed it, saying "That's very rude," and left the room for a long time. She never repeated the behavior.
I am sorry that you have been trained to accept responsibility for her happiness, it is a loosing position to be in. Only we can make ourselves happy, no one else can and she was so very wrong to do that to you. I think it is great that you see this and are actively pursuing a change.
We are all rooting for you to get out of the terrible trap she has held you in for 47 years. Here's to happier days for you!