My sister and I are heartbroken that we cannot seem to provide any love, comfort or just distraction for my mom when we visit. I am a nurse and feel I was good at handling her dementia until now.
As soon as my sister and I arrive to see her she starts trying to get up and get away from us. We try to distract her, change the subject, back off etc to no avail. This always progresses to her hitting and slapping us. She pulls hair, kicks, bites and has even closed fist punched me in the face. She swears, accuses us of stealing money, killing babies etc. we have talked to the staff for suggestions, tried different times of day, and different places to sit. There is not one shred of her personality left. She has over the years been on many medications but is a huge fall risk and we walk the line of safety verses over sedation.(last month she had 11 falls) I am not a cry baby but leave there in tears and just miss her so much. She will not let me hug or touch her affectionately in any way.
Does anyone have any experiences like this? I just want to love and comfort her but she hates me and I end up doing the opposite. Our relationship before dementia was exceptionally warm and loving.
If your presence causes so much upset it might be time to take a break and see if she can settle in to her new home.
This disease just stinks. Hugs!
She never spoke again.
Read her a verse in the Bible, any verse. Just a few words.
Woman's day magazine has a weekly spot, positive story. Something about angels. It's been awhile since I picked one up and read it.
Just read something positive to her. If she starts screaming, tell her you love her and you will come back next week.
If she starts to try to get away from you, then that is your answer. Tell her you love her, and perhaps next week will be a better time to visit.
It's hard, very hard. My mom was nice, but she kept saying go home go home go home. That broke my heart.
So, just keep it simple and short. Read her a positive or fun short story.
You need to realize this is the desease and I think, her Dementia is known to cause aggressiveness. In her mind she may see you as the people who put her "there". The caregivers always get the brunt of everything. They get something in their minds and won't let go. I would cut down on visits maybe even back off for a while. You are not helping yourself or her. Agitation is not good for them.
My mother was moved to a higher level of care because she become a risk for wandering and forgetfulness.
I am the only family member that has helped her through this process and try to be as loving and caring as possible.
She has become very hostile towards me, won't talk to me when I visit, etc.
Over the weekend, she got upset with me on the phone and got really nasty with me. I asked if she could not be so nasty to me and she replied, "I can be as nasty to you as I want because you are to blame for all of this." And then to top it off, hung up on me and wouldn't take my calls. I was so upset but I've spent a lifetime of her manipulating me into getting what she wants with this behavior.
Dealing with her on this capacity, I had to start standing up for myself as I work through this and she doesn't like it. I've learned a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and from all that I've read about it, it seems spot on for her.
She is in a safe place where the staff are very attentive to her and her needs. I've actually been told by them to basically step back and let them do their job (in a nice way).
After the last hang-up I was so furious and tired of her nasty calls and voicemails, I called my cell phone provider and asked that they disable my voicemail and have been avoiding her calls. I just can't take it, she's got me on the edge of a breakdown.
Yes, take the steps back. Can always call the staff and ask about her.
I know this is not a popular view, but maybe it would be better if you don't visit her right now. Alternatively, the staff may need to put her on something like Ativan to calm the aggressive impulses. (That is what they needed to do with my late father.)
It isn’t helping her right now if you visit... obviously it upsets her. And it definitely upsets you & sister. You don’t want to accrue any more memories of her like this. It has to be awful and I hope things change soon.
Hopefully this is just a phase and she will 'outgrow' it.
Check with staff regularly and see how she is doing. If your presence makes her rage, then stay away. It will only agitate her and make you sad.
She is safe and cared for. Sometimes, that's the best we can hope for. I'd stay away for the time being. Let your memories be the good ones, not the ones that are being created by mom being belligerent.
I am giving myself a break from my mom. I feel really bad because I deactivated my VM on my phone so she'd stop calling me with blame and VM messages left on my phone. It was interupting my days at work and personal time.
I did over the weekend and still have not taken any more of her calls even though I see that she's called me. It felt like she was bullying me and I just couldn't take it anymore but I feel like really bad for doing it like this.
I am a total stressball about the whole situation.
My husband keeps telling me, she's in good hands. Let the home handle her for a bit...but dang it, it is so hard. She is safe and cared for, but the phone is beginning to be an issue.
Thank you for your time.
She is in a nursing home ( locked dementia unit) and is not capable of using the phone. She has zero interest in anything that she’s used to like. She doesn’t care about foods, flowers, clothes, books, cards, photos etc. we have tried it all.
i think I will try walking away for 5 or 10 minutes and starting over instead of fleeing and crying all the way home. Maybe sit quietly without talking.
How is she with the staff?