Does anyone else experience the joy of people who come to visit and then seem determined to remain the rest of the evening? My one person who does come now and then to let me run errands was coming today and was to be here by 1:30. I was ready. I made sure Mom was settled, had been changed, fed, etc. all is well. 2:00 rolled around and no sitter. checked on Mom, all is well. By 2:30 sitter still not here. Had to be there before closing so sent a text, hid the key in the usual place, checked Mom who was fast asleep and decided I would go ahead and make a quick run there and back...Sitter ended up being over 2 hours late but no problem as I had already run my errand and was headed back when she called and advised she had just arrived. Went ahead at that point and made one quick stop then headed home. For some reason the least little afternoon of activity, especially when I feel particularly rushed, just wears me out. I got home, checked on Mom, fed her and made sure she was settled and fixed a pot of coffee. Had to serve the sitter...as usual. I have to add by five o'clock I am starting to wear out and that is when I begin my evening routine of cleaning, changing, getting Mom settled in, taking care of the other housework and pets, and finally, finally getting to put my feet up to watch the evening news, which for me now, is my Eden.....sitter remained...I began to drop subtle hints, then not so subtle hints, then more coffee was requested...finally after 7:00 I was getting near that so tired I am about ready to cry phase and finally just told her, I have got to finish my evening routine before I completely run out of energy...She cranked up the internet games and began playing those....I finally corralled her towards the door and felt like I was almost being rude, but I swear I was about ready to scream by then. I enjoy coffee with company as much as anyone, but short visits please...why do people not understand we do not feel like long winded visits . Or maybe it is just me....anyone else?
When she asks for coffee just let her know sorry, you don't have time today. Caregivers have busy, stressful lives and should not be expected to provide entertainment. Visitors in your home should only be there as long as you want them there!
But then it gets ticklish. Is this person a family member, or a neighbour, or a close friend? - because people don't usually stay on like that unless they think it is socially okay to do so. And if the person isn't way out of line expecting you to enjoy her company, I'm not sure how all right it is for you to ask her to babysit while you go out, then buzz off the second you get back - it's taking advantage of her a bit, isn't it?
Looking back, when my children were little my (lovely) SIL used to plant herself on us for hours at a time (not that she did any babysitting. Come to think of it, not that I'd have left the children alone with her. Ever. The one time she held a baby she dropped it on its head); but she was lonely, and she loved us, and now I wish I'd just cooked and cleaned and bathed the children around her and not internally cursed her for being in my way. About as much use as a chocolate teapot, but where does it say people have to be useful to be good, sweet friends?
If your house guest/sitter (??? - would she like to make up her mind which?!) seriously sits there playing games on the computer, she must really want to hang out at your place, I guess? Goodness, is she a bit like my SIL?
No, I see, she's just one of those people who can't see past the end of her nose, by the sound of it. And I know what you mean about how difficult it is to get help that doesn't create more work than it takes off your hands. Hm. Apart from the week in respite that mother had a couple of months ago - and we've another lined up for the end of June - I'm in the same boat. Respite care does mean you get real time off, but on the other hand you have to get her ready, and take her there, and worry about her all week, and pick her up, and deal with the fallout… Swings and roundabouts, isn't it?
Is there anyone your mother likes, for herself, whom you could ask? But I'm guessing if there were you'd already have thought of that.
Another option is to enlist more of her help with mom when she's there, for example, thanks for being here Evelyn, can you change moms bedding while I give her her bath?; Evelyn, here's dinner for you and mom, I'm heading in to take a quick shower -- close your door and watch the news in peace in your room, soak in the tub....it's okay. As long as sitter is there, make the most of it and go about your business without having to watch mom.
I am a widow and I care for my MIL (alzheimers) in my home. Her other son (my husband's brother) stops by.................totally unannounced and then sits down and talks TO ME. But I don't want him to visit. I don't want to entertain him. He just won't leave........hangs around and follows me and I hate it.
But it's HIS mother that is living here so I am obligated to let him visit his mother. This is so frustrating as it has now been a year of his sudden drop in visits.
Yes, I've tried to communicate with him about it but....................to no avail.
Yes, I've tried to leave as soon as he comes.....but somehow he wriggles out of that by saying he can't stay long. Also, he tends to stop by in the evenings when I have nowhere to go. That's also when I don't want company.
He is impossible to pin down so I could never actually schedule anything around his "non-schedule".
And truth be told...............I am uncomfortable with him staying in my house while I am gone.
Do any of you feel this way or is it just me?
I have dropped hints, not so subtle hints, etc...no one gets it...Mama doesn't really carry on conversations with anyone so when they come to see them they end up taking up what little time I have...I hate it I hate it I hate it....and I almost choke when they come out with something like...now don't let me keep you from anything I know you are worn out...and I will think...if you know I am worn out why the "h" are you sitting here wearing me out???? The other day I actually was nodding off ...it went on for two hours more until they finally started to say..well, I guess...before they could finish I was up and opening the door.....drives me out of my mind......by the time they leave I am a nervous wreck and of course was one before they got there usually....
People got used to my bluntness, but they also understood. In the days of care taking, you have too much else to worry about without dealing with game playing zombie friends. If you can't kick her out, be brave and be strong. Even if it comes off sounding rude. You're entitled to protect yourself and your privacy.
There's also the "expected" hug goodbye.
I am tired, disheveled, and ready for a bath. I don't want to hug anyone.
BTW, I used to love taking baths...... but I never know if a visitor is going to walk
into my house. They walk right in and I'm supposed to be excited to see them. Meanwhile, their entrance makes my heart sink. Now I'm stuck with them.
I love this post because I really thought I was the only one who felt this way.
Rocknrobin is right - she can't read minds so you must tell her. And if she has dementia you will have to tell her over again and again.
People only treat you how you allow them to treat you - so much easier said than done though, as I well know myself. Maybe while she is there watching mom you could go out and talk to a therapist about assertiveness training and self-care? That has really helped me a lot! Wishing you the best!
You are apparently giving permission. Just decide if you really want to do that, perhaps because of your suspicion that she has dementia, or because of family ties, or for some other reason. That is OK. You are in control. If you want to make some allowances for this woman, just acknowledge that decision to yourself to reduce your stress over it.
If you decide not to continue allowing this to happen, you've been given lots of advice on stopping it.
I'm glad you've vented here and you see you are not alone. You are a good person with sympathetic instincts. Don't be hard on yourself for that. But realize you can set your own boundaries.