Please help. I didn't mean for this to be so long and bless your big heart for being kind enough to spare me the time to read this. I am torn up inside and could really use some assistance. Thanks:
I am a 45 year old woman with two young adult daughters. My mother is 77 years old. My wonderful father died in 2005.I am trying to start a home based business. There are only four of us in our family. There is NOBODY else, no one. Here's the issue. I love my mom, I really do, but she wants to see me every single day. She doesn't want to go anywhere without me, except to the hairdresser, grocery shopping and that's it.
She has only one friend who she sees about once a week. I have encouraged her to talk to her neighbors and invite them over. She won't. I even said I would make her food and drop it off at her house so she wouldn't have to cook. Nope, won't do it.
I would love to see my mother once or twice a week, but she wants to see me every day. I feel guilty as hell. I see her 4 to 5 times a week for about 4 to 8 hours a day and I am ready to burst with misery about her being here so much and guilt about my seflish attitude for not wanting her here as much as she is. And I hate it. I cannot stand seeing her so much. She doesn't talk, just sits on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to her. She is very very lonely. I get that, but she doesn't want to do anything without me.
I have encouraged her to: go to the senior centre, volunteer, join a book club, invite someone over from church. Her response? "No, because my hips hurt/back hurts etc" or my ultimate favorite of "Karen, these people have families. I am not going to ask them to do something with me when they have families of their own." I encourage my daughters to spend time with their grandmother but they really don't want to because she either a) complains, b) doesn't talk, or c) all of the above.
In the ideal situation, my mother would come over every single day and sit on my sofa until I come downstairs, oh so joyful to see her and then I would tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful life since I last saw her (yesterday). But I don't have exciting stories to tell. I just don't. The conversations are always one sided. I have to think of something to say and she responds with yes or no, or talks very little and then stops until I have to think of something else to say. It's exhausting.
My mother attends church weekly and once in a while goes to a function there. I've encouraged her to do more as have people at church but she has only one pet project: spending time with me. That is her ultimate goal every single day of her life. And truthfully, it's draining.
There are many things she could do but doesn't want to. Everyone loves my mother. She truly is a good, kind, decent person. But I just can't stand seeing her day after day after day and racking my brains to come up with some conversation. She routinely says, "Karen, talk to me, just say anything" and do try. I swear I do.
The stress is killing me. I spoke to her doctor and she is on an antidepressant, but that does not cure her loneliness. It does not stop her from calling everyday to find out "when can I come over?" It does not stop me from cringing at the thought of spending so much time with her. If I say that I am busy, she whispers "Oh, okay" in a very soft unhappy voice, and sure that means I don't have to see her that day, but I do the next.
I never get to spend anytime alone with my own children. A few days ago I said, "Mom, I think that me and the kids will go to see a movie, just the three of us. I haven't spent any time alone with them for months and months now." Her wistful response, "Oh, I wish I could go." I felt like screaming, "God damn it mother. I spend more time with you than anyone. You are choking me and sucking all my happiness out of me. Go find someone to talk to. How selfish a person are you that you demand to spend so much time with me but you can't let me spend two hours with my children once, just once. I more or less told her this but she said, "I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that's all."
What do I do? I have tried reasoning with her many times. If I am gentle or if I am strong or if I am nice or if I am mean, it results in the same thing: her saying "Fine. I won't bother you anymore then. You live your life. Goodbye." And then her calling me the next day. So truthfully, what is the point having hurt feelings and anger if nothing every changes?
I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore.
What do I do? She is sitting downstairs on my sofa now. It is about 5pm and she has been here since 1pm. On Wednesdays I need to take her to her doctor, which will of course mean that she will say after the appointment, "Is it okay if I just sit on your sofa? I'm not coming in your house to run all over it. I won't bother you?" On Friday she has a morning appt too which will result in the same thing.
Today I said to her, "Do you want to come out to lunch with me today (to a place she likes) or to dinner (a place she doesn't like)" She chose lunch, and idiot that I am, I figured when we got back 2 hours ago that she would leave. She didn't. Instead she said she will "find something to eat" at the place we are going to for dinner, so now that means she will be here until 8pm.
Am I a selfish horrible person? My mother is so wonderful and kind and gives me money all the time and will do anything for me. I feel like I should be doing all of this with a smile on my face instead of with anger and resentment in my heart. I am crying buckets right now and feel like a complete moron. Am I?
I wonder if there isn't something else going on with your mother? It's odd that she isn't able to be alone in her own home; odd that she can't keep herself occupied and odd that she won't speak unless spoken to. Perhaps she is forgetting things and feels most comfortable with you and your daughters because she knows you'll generate conversation. I know of several people who hid the early symptoms of dementia by making small talk about the immediate - the weather, the quality of the food, a flower arrangement, a blouse, etc.... Can you talk with her physician about doing tests for memory loss or dementia? Even hearing or sight loss due to cataracts can have negative impacts on her desire to get out. If she has aches and pains or forgets to take her meds without prompting that can be enough for a physician to recommend moving to an assisted living facility.
As for your guilt, all I can say is, get used to it. If you accept that you're going to feel guilty then it's easier to handle. Give yourself permission to let it go after 30 minutes or find some other approach that works for you. Even if your mom is comfortable and in an assisted apartment where aides are kind and affectionate, you'll feel guilty each time you leave and go to your own home. You'll probably feel like she feel abandoned - and she might and she might tell you so. No one will take as good care of our parents as we do and, because we know our mom's rely on us, we WANT to be there. However, we can't give up our own jobs and ability to save for our old age. Would your mom really want that? Probably not. If you learn that something physical is going on then you should feel less guilty - it's the disease or the aging process NOT your mom and so you should not feel guilty if you do all you can. Your emotional well being is important to you (obviously), to your daughters and to your mom. If you don't get time to rejuvenate how can you be kind and loving to her? Good luck and know that others are in the very same boat, just don't let your guilt sink yours!!
1. If she goes to church every week, talk to your priest (or church leader) and see if they have anything that she could get involved with. If not, encourage them to start something and have THEM recruit your mom to help organize it.
She needs to find something that she can rely on other than you.
2. Set limits. Explain how much you love her, but that you need time for your business. For example, you can come over from 10 am until 1 pm. STICK TO THEM. Limites that are not enforced are not effective.
3. You are not a doormat. If you do not want your mother at dinner, say, "Sorry mom, but this is a special occasion for just ____. But, I look forward to seeing you again tomorrow at 10 am!"
4. Hobbies - if she doesn't have one, get her one. Even if it's watching old movies or listening to books on tape. Not only will it take up her time, but you'll feel less guilty about not being with her all the time.
5. Speaking of guilt --- you must not blame yourself. I'm sure you're a wonderful daughter, but everyone has their limits.
Good luck!
I have a similar situtation only that my Mom lives with me, my husband, and 3 boys under the age of 11. She has severe copd congestive heart failure and diabetes. She has gotten worse over the past year, and wants my full attention. It is very hard cuz I do have a family also. I feel guilty planning a night away becuz I know she will freak out. When Im not around she gets panicky even if my other sister is taking care of her. Somedays I feel like I cant do this anymore. My Mom also does alot for me money wise and such, so its hard to feel the feelings of resentment and anger. But I cant be there 24/7. just wanted to let you know you are not the only one with these feelings. Take care.
naheaton, love your left brain, too. LOL
Karen, I too am proud of you! You go, girl!!!
Pamela, I can't get over your little yellow person doing obeisance to.......??
Great insight, AlzCaregiver! LOL @ "smashes on the head..." Way too funny. Hits close to my playing field.
Thanks, everyone!!!
It's pretty obvious that a stalker is an enslaver, when a mate becomes so jealous that violence ensues. When I see many of the Dr. Phil programs about jealousy and possessiveness, I yell at the TV screen... "Call a spade a spade, Dr. Phil. The person is an enslaver!" He never goes that far.
People who do not feel complete in themselves, have not learned the lesson to BE love or to GENERATE love or to Channel love (perhaps from Jesus)...but rather they pursue it outside of themselves. Grasping for it, demanding it. Are they Entitled? or what??
Sure we all love the rush of being in love and of being around someone (perhaps a pastor or movie star) who seems to generate love for everyone (ME in particular!). That's one aspect. But also people get in the habit looking to others to literally fill their hours with company and activity.
The term "enslaver" has been a good keystone for me to reel in my own behavior, but also to see with a distance someone who is trying to yank my chain and control me. I wouldn't call anyone an enslaver to their face, but it sure helps to have that word handy.
Karen I too think you've come a long way. Those episodes don't bother you as much as they did when you first told your story. You've learned to take them with a grain of salt.
I too am very proud of your journey and I say keep it up too.
i am so proud of you for keeping yourself together and handling your mother the way you did this past weekend. and trying not to feel guilty, (i know, is the hardest part). i feel the same, i had the same approach with my mom yesterday. i think i told you-i took her to the doctor and after the appointment i said bye gave her a kiss and left. now, since it was a holiday (mon) i would of felt like i needed to invite her over after and never get to anything at home or time with my daughter. i did see her sunday for 4.5 hours, and she went home tired.
naheaton, you are a hoot. my mom has attacked me like yours i tried to stand up for myself but she did not talk to me for 1-2 weeks. my mother didn't take it as well as yours. note to self--i never tell my mom the truth how she wears on me--it has always made thing worse.
but i have decided she can not live with me! from this website, i have realized my mother does not respect me (maybe it is as a n adult/i haven't quite figured it out yet), and therefore i can not have her live with me.
karen, keep up the good work we will give each other strength!!
lcg
I truly feel that I have made some changes since hearing what others have been saying. When my mom calls and asks if my plans include her coming over today, I either say yes, or I say not today, but tomorrow yes. I stick to it. I say it. I TRY not to feel guilt about it and I move on.
I think that if I take time to be without my mom, I will value the time I am with her more. Instead of being resentful of her coming over all the time, I can be thankful that I have both time with her, and time without her.
I have given up (at least for now!) on trying to encourage her to do other things. And when she says she is lonely, like she did yesterday, I don't respond. If I do respond it will be another set of "Oh really? Well let me tell you all the things that you can do to change that...." And that of course will end up in her saying that I am pushing her away. It's really sad. It is so difficult to love someone, hear their pain, know that there is a solution, or partial solution, or some of relief for their pain, and then have them fight you about it. It is even more difficult to give up on telling them about how they can relieve their pan. Very difficult.
Mostly great advice here. All situations being different there are still many commonalities.
As hard as it is not to allow yourself to be manipulated, that really has to be step one. No one can MAKE you feel guilty. That is a personal choice. You have done nothing to be guilty of...so don't put it on your self.
Another thing that interested me in your situation, you said you live in your mother's old house? Could that be adding to her feelings of just wanting to be there? I know when my daughters come home to visit and stay over, I just love knowing they're there...in their rooms. We don't have to be doing anything, they're just there and it feels right. And I am only 53 years old.
It sounds kind of like when our kids were little and they would be playing in the room at our feet. We weren't necessarily DOING anything, we were just close to each other. Could that be what she is feeling?
Start on changing what you can. The doctor's visits are great but your response is not necessarily going to be determined by what a doctor finds is going on with your mother. You need some limits...some GUILTLESS limits. If you ever dropped your children off at daycare and listened to them crying as you went out the door...then peeked back in five minutes later to see them happily playing...you know what I mean. Your Mom will adapt and be happier when you adapt and are happier too.
i went out with 2 women last night after seeing mom as i mentioned. i took her to the doctor already today at 9am. they said she has reflux which she is being treated for and the gi doctor will need to give her stronger does of reflux meds. he is also the doctor who wants her on an antidepressant which she doesn't want to take. well, she looked sad when she asked if i went out to dinner last night and i said yes with a friend. i for the first time did not feel guilty (my friends gave me the strength, after not the whole dinner talking about my mother but got some advise). i also have to take my daughter to the doctor at 11am so i said good bye gave her a kiss and she looked sad. but again i am trying not to feel guilty-it is not my fault she has not made relationships with others. i am feeling a bit stronger.
My daily advise to you is--please visit with friends it makes you stronger. we need to live too and feel young. i've been feeling very old lately with the stresses. i am 42 y/o, i don't want to feel old. i want to live---i feel my mom not wanting to be happy but i want to choose being happy. this website and some friends has been very helpful...
please take care of yourself. i think we need to honest with ourselves and our mothers. i have always been afraid or guilty to tell her i had plans or was going out. i have decided i will tell her and she can be sad or make her smart remarks-i want to do things. i need to be with people, i don't want to end up like her alone. remember on earlier posts--boundaries, i think you need to set some for your mom, she seems like a nice woman maybe a little controlling but she most likely is like a teenager, trying to see what she can get away with and just needs to be told what you feel is fair and appropriate for your situation. i felt like i was drowning, you may feel that way too--i can't believe what a nice night out was like with support from friends who care..makes a lot of difference.
have a good day.. and boy is it hard letting go of our daughters how old are yours. mine is 15 y/o and the boyfriend thing is definitely interesting--
ttyl
lcg
I think it's so good you both can talk about these things. It helps me, too. Being on these boards helped me NOT have my mother live with me. It also helps to know that what I've been through is NOT normal, and that I'm not alone, and it wasn't ME that had the problem but my mother. And I'm realizing my dad covered up a lot for her, and he wasn't real nice to do that, as he helped her abuse my sister and me. Actually, he wasn't real nice to me at times, either. They did what they had to for appearance sake, only to look good in the eyes of others. Little did/do others know what was/is going on behind closed doors!!!!
If I had thought of tape-recording or video taping back then, we could produce unbelievable TV sitcoms, and make tons of money. My husband said he thought that they were like what he thought was so fake on TV. He said he didn't know people really lived such false lives as he had seen my folks do. And he didn't just come out bashing them, but kept it to himself quietly. He only talks like this sparingly to me, to reassure me that I wasn't the problem they said I was; instead the real problem was with them. (Not that I was perfect.) Whatever it took to take a negative focus off them, even at my expense. They'd lie and cover up to save face and ease their guilt. I alone know the truth, and my sister, who is now trying to steal all the inheritance. So she saddles up to mom (while secretly despising her) just to be on her "good side," (against me) and keep the machine spinning. Sick demented games. It makes my stomach hurt. How can people be so wicked to their family?
It is hard for my mind to wrap around the stories I read on these posts, and the ones played out in my own family. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers at the hand of the kind of abuse so many have encountered here. I feel because I know. I hurt because that's the proper response to such abuse. And I grieve because it happened, and is happening to me. While I can't really help another, I do understand. And it is awful!
To survive, we had to deny things, and often told ourselves, "It's not that bad." But to read it here in print breaks through that denial. It's kind of freeing to just get it out in the open and admit that things were not rosy, but more like a thorny briar patch. With parents so good at "spinning the truth," and intimidating us into submission and compliance, who would have believed us anyway? Even today, they have their ways of fooling others, manipulating us (well some more than others), until we finally learn that enough is enough, and start to set some boundaries. Sometimes the learning curve is great, and often much delayed.
What's hard is when those who don't understand say things like, "Just do this...get boundaries, or take care of yourself." First we have to learn what that means and how to do it. People who haven't been through what we're talking about haven't got a clue how hard that is, and don't always have the patience or grace to understand. And sometimes people heap unrealistic expectations on Caregivers, and produce crippling guilt and condemnation which doesn't fit the circumstances. Sometimes that makes it harder to maintain hard-won boundaries, putting some into a defensive position. NOT caring for a parent at home is sometimes necessary for the offspring of an abusive parent. Those who had nurturing, loving moms and dads may not always understand that. It can't always be all about the ailing parent, but must also take into consideration the ones whom they affect and how. Each of us has to decide for ourselves what we can handle, and what we cannot. That's sometimes not a clear cut boundary or process. When dealing with cognitive issues, life just isn't black and white. Each situation and the people involved are different. I think it's important to remember that what works for one person might not work the same for you or me. What a journey!
Thanks for validating me having people over the house. Since I see my mother four days a week, a little more than every other day, what I would do whenever people would come over the house, was to make sure it was a day when I was seeing mom. And really, I only had people over about once every two weeks to once a month, not that much at all. But I wanted my mom to be around other people. I thought it would be good for her. Plus, it gave some additional conversation.
However, what started happening was her complaining that I have "too many people" in my house (since when was two people too much?!), so now I think that when I have other people over, I might make it a day when I don't see mom.
That is so sad, isn't it? That a lonely, elderly woman who would really benefit from more people in her life, instead complains about other people being in the house. If I were to say to her, "Hey mom, I want a social life and to have some friends. What do you think?" she would say, "Yes, absolutely. We all need friends" But when it would come down to the reality of inviting someone to the house and her seeing them there, she would probably not be so happy. I have a feeling that if I were to invite a neighbor over (her old neighbors. Remember, I am in her old house), she would probably not complain.
I really would like to go back to inviting her over when I have other people over, but don't want to hear the backlash from her.
I really think it would be beneficial for her to be around others. Do you think I am doing the right thing, or not? Not is ok. I come here for honesty, not just a reflection of my thoughts!
I never thought I would be going through this. Of course, I should have thought about it, but didn't. My beloved father passed away in 2005 and that's when this all went full force. I believe that my mother was extremely dependent on my dad while he was here. Well, he's not. So I guess she has tried to put me in his shoes. Unfortunately, they don't fit. He was so much better and stronger than me.
Guess what? My daughter is downstairs with her boyfriend and the boyfriend's family. It's the boyfriend's brother's birthday today. I would not DARE to have people over here for dinner without my mother being here because if she knew she would say, "I would have liked to have come too." Or "Why didn't you invite me?" Or "Karen, you have too many people over your house." If I have even ONE person over, it's too many for her. So guess what? I am not going to tell her!
I realized today that I have to be able to entertain people in my house without my mother being here all of the time. Chances are my mother will pass away before me. If that is the case it will be more difficult for me to do things without her. I need to start doing them now.
... oh shucks... I feel so grown up!!
i think we are in a similar situation. my mom is very negative as well. she did say that she would rather give me the $$ than spend $$ on a one room in a senior living facility. i just didn't answer-i don't know how i got away with it but some how the subject got changed since we were waiting for the doctor in his office. i cannot live with my mother, i can't even deal with her 1 time a week. i saw her today for a little shopping and then some coffee but of course at the end she said how she lives alone and i thought to myself i just spent 4 1/2 hours with her and it never is enough. i started crying today over coffee when she started talking about death (yet again) and she said she doesn't complain about death often. i told her it is more often that she thinks (every visit). she started crying too, maybe she sees my pain today too. i am going to meet her at the doctor tomorrow and cannot stay with her after since my daughter has an appointment 2 hours after hers. i did that on purpose so i don't have to spend the whole day with her. she makes me upset to just make plans she can never decide on anything. i was drained before even we got started. i am in health care and feel i am a very patient person but we all have limits. my mom drains me from all strength. my daughter 15 y/o told me several years ago my mother abuses me. and today she said she hates her for making me upset all the time, she said she feels my mother tries to make me unhappy because she isn't. i'm not sure about that but i know i would NEVER treat my daughter like my mother treats me. i am sorry you are going through such a rough time. i think we both are learning how we don't want to be to our daughters. i think we must be caring people or we wouldn't be so concern about what to do or we would just do it and not look back. i am trying to consider my childrens feelings, and i only have 3 1/2 years left with my daughter before she is going to college and i feel my mom is robbing me of precious time and emotional healthiness with her. my son is only 11 and i want to be with them healthy emotionally, i am always crying, i think of my mother all the time and many times i just get upset how i am treated and how she acts. she does nothing to help herself socially. nothing!!!!!
Oh, except tells all the employees of every store and all the strangers she meets her story and has them all feeling bad for her that she lives alone. i know this because she tells me, how everyone can not believe she lives alone, so is that suppost to make me feel guilty, (it does).
sorry i was rambling.
just another frustrating day in my life!!
lcg