Please help. I didn't mean for this to be so long and bless your big heart for being kind enough to spare me the time to read this. I am torn up inside and could really use some assistance. Thanks:
I am a 45 year old woman with two young adult daughters. My mother is 77 years old. My wonderful father died in 2005.I am trying to start a home based business. There are only four of us in our family. There is NOBODY else, no one. Here's the issue. I love my mom, I really do, but she wants to see me every single day. She doesn't want to go anywhere without me, except to the hairdresser, grocery shopping and that's it.
She has only one friend who she sees about once a week. I have encouraged her to talk to her neighbors and invite them over. She won't. I even said I would make her food and drop it off at her house so she wouldn't have to cook. Nope, won't do it.
I would love to see my mother once or twice a week, but she wants to see me every day. I feel guilty as hell. I see her 4 to 5 times a week for about 4 to 8 hours a day and I am ready to burst with misery about her being here so much and guilt about my seflish attitude for not wanting her here as much as she is. And I hate it. I cannot stand seeing her so much. She doesn't talk, just sits on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to her. She is very very lonely. I get that, but she doesn't want to do anything without me.
I have encouraged her to: go to the senior centre, volunteer, join a book club, invite someone over from church. Her response? "No, because my hips hurt/back hurts etc" or my ultimate favorite of "Karen, these people have families. I am not going to ask them to do something with me when they have families of their own." I encourage my daughters to spend time with their grandmother but they really don't want to because she either a) complains, b) doesn't talk, or c) all of the above.
In the ideal situation, my mother would come over every single day and sit on my sofa until I come downstairs, oh so joyful to see her and then I would tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful life since I last saw her (yesterday). But I don't have exciting stories to tell. I just don't. The conversations are always one sided. I have to think of something to say and she responds with yes or no, or talks very little and then stops until I have to think of something else to say. It's exhausting.
My mother attends church weekly and once in a while goes to a function there. I've encouraged her to do more as have people at church but she has only one pet project: spending time with me. That is her ultimate goal every single day of her life. And truthfully, it's draining.
There are many things she could do but doesn't want to. Everyone loves my mother. She truly is a good, kind, decent person. But I just can't stand seeing her day after day after day and racking my brains to come up with some conversation. She routinely says, "Karen, talk to me, just say anything" and do try. I swear I do.
The stress is killing me. I spoke to her doctor and she is on an antidepressant, but that does not cure her loneliness. It does not stop her from calling everyday to find out "when can I come over?" It does not stop me from cringing at the thought of spending so much time with her. If I say that I am busy, she whispers "Oh, okay" in a very soft unhappy voice, and sure that means I don't have to see her that day, but I do the next.
I never get to spend anytime alone with my own children. A few days ago I said, "Mom, I think that me and the kids will go to see a movie, just the three of us. I haven't spent any time alone with them for months and months now." Her wistful response, "Oh, I wish I could go." I felt like screaming, "God damn it mother. I spend more time with you than anyone. You are choking me and sucking all my happiness out of me. Go find someone to talk to. How selfish a person are you that you demand to spend so much time with me but you can't let me spend two hours with my children once, just once. I more or less told her this but she said, "I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that's all."
What do I do? I have tried reasoning with her many times. If I am gentle or if I am strong or if I am nice or if I am mean, it results in the same thing: her saying "Fine. I won't bother you anymore then. You live your life. Goodbye." And then her calling me the next day. So truthfully, what is the point having hurt feelings and anger if nothing every changes?
I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore.
What do I do? She is sitting downstairs on my sofa now. It is about 5pm and she has been here since 1pm. On Wednesdays I need to take her to her doctor, which will of course mean that she will say after the appointment, "Is it okay if I just sit on your sofa? I'm not coming in your house to run all over it. I won't bother you?" On Friday she has a morning appt too which will result in the same thing.
Today I said to her, "Do you want to come out to lunch with me today (to a place she likes) or to dinner (a place she doesn't like)" She chose lunch, and idiot that I am, I figured when we got back 2 hours ago that she would leave. She didn't. Instead she said she will "find something to eat" at the place we are going to for dinner, so now that means she will be here until 8pm.
Am I a selfish horrible person? My mother is so wonderful and kind and gives me money all the time and will do anything for me. I feel like I should be doing all of this with a smile on my face instead of with anger and resentment in my heart. I am crying buckets right now and feel like a complete moron. Am I?
Your statement, "I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore" concerns me.
I urge you to see a doctor for yourself and ask if you may have depression. You also may want to see a counselor about how to work through the guilt you feel with your mother. She knows how to make you feel guilty. If she has dementia, a doctor can help with that, and you can find ways to get help for her. However, if sounds like she gets along fine with others and doesn't have memory problems. One thing to ask yourself is how new this behavior is. Knowing that will help a doctor with a diagnosis.
It's easy to tell someone they don't need to feel guilty, but it's hard for the person with the feeling to drop it. Please seek some help for yourself, as well as your mother.
Carol
I write this to myself as well: some things we can control, and some things we can't. Those that we can (ourselves) we do. Other people, we cannot. It's easy for me to forget that at times, until I'm painfully reminded.
I think the hardest thing for me, (besides fear of the unknown) is dealing appropriately in a crisis situation. When I'm being asked to act quickly or make difficult decisions during a panic moment, I sometimes have a hard time knowing what to do in new situations. I grew up in a very volatile and abusive home, and don't do well during personally confrontational situations, either. They fill me with anxiety. Subsequently, I become anxious when anticipating a situation (fear). I lose my reasoning power, and clear thinking at times of duress. (That happens when dealing with my mother.) I've come to expect it, so now, have learned, and am learning ways to deal with her more effectively, and see her actions for what they are (also fear-based). She always was difficult to deal with, and I'm told by Physicians that she will become worse in times. We are seeing that, so have no doubt there.
What I am doing though, is getting counseling for myself, and surround myself with loving supportive people and good books. The feedback from this site helps as well. I am not the "bad girl" my mother says I am. She has a problem with multiple Personality Disorders, and I'm educating myself about those, and learning how to deal with them (mostly by distance). I love the distance from her! It's renewing and healthy for me to not be in the constant battle with her. Though I love my mother, I cannot be her caregiver anymore. Her bitter spirit and critical complaining is not good for me to be around. I am thankful that she now has a public guardian who deals with her. I am free to go back to living my life, rather than trying to live trying to please an unreasonable tyrant.
I resisted the court taking over, but now am glad it happened (for the sake of my sanity). I have governmental takeover of anything, most especially my own family. But mother was a handful, and her toxicity was damaging to my marriage, to the peaceful raising of my young son, and my own well-being. Why sacrifice myself any longer? I pray for mom, and hope she gets the care she needs, but know that the other person will have difficulties with her as well. Mom is only happy having her way, and that is not possible in all circumstances. She is cognitively incapacitated, and have many problems. I don't envy anyone having to deal with her. Dad escaped through Alzheimer's. Neither of us has to put up with her outrageous abuse any longer. Though I love my mother, and tried to do everything I could for her, my best was never "good enough" in her eyes. Nothing I did pleased her. I am feeling somewhat relieved to have someone else on the "hot seat." We'll see how things go...from a distance.
I, too, have been helped through things from this site, Karen. Hope you find all the tools you need to navigate the difficult situation you're in. May God guide and bless you!
P.S. Just for the record: I do not advocate to ANYONE that they obtain guardianship. It is a last resort, only. You won't like the results, on the governmental intrusion into your family. We have learned the hard way. We also had no other option. Obtain POA if at all possible for your loved ones, well in advance of a problem. (I realize that is not always possible, as well.) Take care!
Again, I want to thank you all for all of your help. You have all been so kind with your words and intentions.
I know some of you have posted to my "wall." Well, guess what, today, for the very first time I actually found out that I had a wall! I will respond to each of you who took time out to write on my wall and sorry for the delay.
Today I actually feel better. I feel like I am in control and it is NOT a bad thing to want to do things without your mother. It is a normal, healthy thing.
My sister is back in the hospital for the second time and now it's just me and my moms care giver however now I have to go sleep at my moms house (in her room in the recliner) nightly because my mom says she "feels safe" with me there. Of course she is constantly asking me to get this, get that, do this, do that, the entire time so I get very little sleep. My sister and her family live there with my mom, (that's an entirely whole nother story) but my mom still calls on me.....all the time....
My sister had gastric bypass surgery 6 years ago and now her colon is all twisted and is causing a lot of pain. Last time she went to the hospital, just before Christmas, her husband came and picked up their daughter and brought her to the hospital to be with her mom, therefore I had no help and had to remain at my moms house for 5 days and nights. When the ambulance came the first time, I'd just left there after staying there 4 days, turned around and had to go back for another 5. So while my sister was having a nice vacation in the hospital, I was pulling my hair out and just about going crazy as I was in the middle of trying to find another care giver for my mom. Thank God she has one that we both really agree on liking this time.
This time when my sister went to the hospital, they did the same thing said call Pamela and there I went again. Although this time I called the agency and got help for today, Sunday, I'll still have to go over there tonight @ 7 and stay the night again, and keep doing that until my sister is released. By the way, my sister never even called to tell us, I just called around 3 different Kaisers to find where, and if she'd been admitted. Her not being there puts a real strain on me as I'm already there for 3 days and nights already.
I just got notification that my mom was approved for Medical though, and that will be a relief for me because if I have to keep doing everything myself without help from my sister or her family, I will have to put my mom in assisted living. I have 2 sons that I'm still trying to get straight as well and I have to work with them too.
I've learned a lot from this forum though and as everyone says it's good to know that you're not alone and although every case is different, we all have the same feelings and that let's me know that I'm not totally losing it, although sometime I do feel like I am.
KarenP when you find time for yourself, as I hope to do as well, we will find time for those others as well. Right now there's so much on my mind with my mom, I'd just like to work it all out so that I can be as ease if you know what I mean.
naheaton, I do go to the gym, but men are there too-not that I'm opposed to men being there! I don't go to church, but could do some activities there true.
naheaton, you asked if the mothers who are making their caregivers so desperate now were always they way they are presently. txmaggie gave what I thought was a good answering explanation. As for my mother, yes - she was always the way she is now. There are reasons why this was so and ever since my two sisters and I can remember, we always felt sorry for her and that's why we spent at least the first forty years of our lives doing whatever we could to try to make her happy. This warped all three of us and it has taken me nearly thirty years to somewhat recover (but down deep I still feel I have failed my mother and I have 'failing' dreams many times).
So you see, Secretsister - I have NOT escaped - I am still in the process of escaping. It has been a difficult struggle but fortunately now I can feel sorry for my mom without feeling that it is my DUTY to try to make her life perfect. Now everything I do for her is done with LOVE and that is a much better feeling. I don't know what you think but I doubt that a person can ever totally leave behind the conditioning that was experienced for years and years. There are always scars left as reminders.
lhardebeck, I enjoy reading your comments. You sound like you know what you will and what you won't do. Your idea of going to another room when you need a break is what I do too when I can't go outside for a break from all my husband's health-related problems. My favourite break is a long walk (fortunately we live in the countryside). My husband is envious of me being physically able to take these walks but I have a good excuse. My doctor has told me that my bones are deteriorating and that walking is something I should do. Pretty good excuse, eh? So I strengthen my bones and de-stress at the same time. Two for the price of one!!!
txmaggie, you raised the question we all are going to have to face - how do we want to be dealt with when we are old and sick? One of my sisters says she hopes when she reaches a certain point, she KNOWS she has reached THAT point so that she can go out into a blizzard with a bottle of Bailey's Irish Creme and "slip away". How's that for a solution? :-) Cheers, everyone!
The dr. did not say anything about her seeing a psychiatrist, but she does have a follow up appointment in a month to see if any of the meds make a difference.
I am EXTREMELY ASHAMED to admit this, but I have no friends at all. My ONE friend who still lives in NJ has stage four lung cancer and is in a nursing facility now. Other than him, who is my best friend and always will be, I have no other friends. Because my family is so small, me, mom, two children and that's it, I really feel isolated.
I lost my job in February of last year and have been unemployed since then. Anyway, I was wondering if any of you lovely, kind people would be interested in emailing me (or is that not allowed, I don't know). I would really love to have an email friend and someone who has caregiving in common is just the icing on the cake.
I hope I'm not coming across as too desperate, but if any of you are interested, please let me know how we can email each other.
To all of you who have answered my LONG posts, thank you.
You have lifted me out of the misery I was in and given me direction and hope. I really value all of your opinions.
My situation is a bit different, as I moved into my moms house to care for her. I'm married with children and they live at my house. My mom is on hospice and needs 24 hour care. Mom has been on hospice for 2 years now and it just keeps getting harder and harder.
You can't force an adult to go anywhere they don't want to go. Unless they're a danger to themselves or need care that can not be performed in the home, she can stay at the house. Which means that I have to stay and take care of her. My dad passed in 2004 and mom is 74 and I have no siblings or extended family. Most of her friends are in the same shape or worse. I am completely isolated.
I used to work a full time job which I had to cut back to part time. I fear losing my job at any moment. Mom agreed to let me hire a caregiver for the time I am at work. Many people tell me to quit my job and have mom pay me what she is paying the caregiver. I need the time away.
Mom wants all my attention. I am so worn out and tired. I can completely relate to you and how parents can zap your energy. None of my friends can understand it, and I've been zinged on here with people telling me how lucky I am that my mom is still here and that I'm lucky to be able to take care of her. Her condition makes her agitated and verbally aggressive. If I tell her I need time to bathe she say's "Oh I wish I could have a bath, you're so lucky to be able to indulge yourself". If having a bath every 3 days is indulgent, then I'm a very luck gal!
I won't whine on about how terrible it is to not have a moments peace. I think what I am saying is that I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that there is someone on this site that isn't sugar coating the bad stuff. I'm sorry I can't help with a solution, and I don't think there is one. Guilt and parenting are as old as time and we are stuck. I mean STUCK, for some of the perky, get yourself out of your own self pity, put yourself in their shoes, get volunteers in to help you...blah blah blah. Sometimes it is what it is, and right now it SUCKS!
i am the type of a person that nobody can tell me what to do . ill sit for a few but not all day not al night . i refuse to be told no ! i done listen from the time i was born up till i got married and now i am a grown adult and a grandma , raised all 3 of my kids and no my father will not tell me what to do cuz he knows i wont do it unless i think i needed to .
he did get upset and whine abotit then he realized im a grown woman . i will leave the house and he would tell my daughter oh im having chest pains . mydaughter would call me and tell me ,thinkin i zoom back home . i told my daughterto give him his nitro pills . he found out his lit game didnt work so he gave up . just as long as he can stay at my home and he just going to have to accept it that his baby girl is not going to be told what to do .
i go in myfamilyroom while he s in living room. yes i ill sit and watch movies with him and hang out with him . wheni need a break , family room is where i go .
i cant believe some of you would just sit there and let them control over you . its tough love and let them know ure not a small child . you will run the household not them ..
Karen, you have made some positive steps! And forgive me if I sounded harsh. Breaking 45 years is not easy. Mammas know what makes us tick, makes us jump, and makes us cry. And they know how to get what they want. Sad :( but true. I just started a book I think you'll like: "Tears and Healing; The journey to the light after an abusive relationship," by Richard Skerrit. I found it online and she doesn't know it, but my mom bought it for me for Christmas. It will help you understand some things and give you tools for making the changes you desire. My heart and prayers are with you.
So many of you are struggling with similar issues. This grieves me, but makes me feel no so alone. What a dark world we live in sometimes. Here we are, caring for our loved ones, and finding hurt and difficulties along the way. Many do not understand, but some do. It's a valley experience, though I'm hoping we come out OK. Bless you Caregivers for all you do, but remember it's important to also take care of you!
I have a mother who would probably have made my sisters and me very sick in the last two years if we had not finally used some tough love on her. As kids and young adults we spent years and years trying to please her and trying to meet her needs (and of course we always came up short). Then we smartened up and tried hard to be just ourselves. Finally in the last two years tough love was the only route we could take. Now my sisters and I are still relatively sane :-), our mother will soon be celebrating her 96th birthday, AND an elderly gentleman in the assisted living facility where they both live has a "crush" on her!!!! How much better can life get???
Yes, my mom is a master manipulator and I need to have it stop. I told my sisters that they need to help me with her but it really didn't make a difference. They don't like being around her because she's so difficult...but we do love her and want to keep her comfortable.
She refuses to designate power of attorney paperwork, refuses to show us where she keeps her will, funeral arrangements, etc. She acts like she doesn't remember anything but she remembers her money, accounts, and finances. She refuses to pay for anything the insurance and Medicare won't cover even if she needs it. She's a total TRIP!
Karen, I do it 24 hrs. a day--and never stop. It's totally wrecked my health and life. She is slowly killing me and I am letting her. I can't leave her or move out--I don't know what to do but I do look forward to my monthly 'holiday.' I will keep you in my prayers--