Please help. I didn't mean for this to be so long and bless your big heart for being kind enough to spare me the time to read this. I am torn up inside and could really use some assistance. Thanks:
I am a 45 year old woman with two young adult daughters. My mother is 77 years old. My wonderful father died in 2005.I am trying to start a home based business. There are only four of us in our family. There is NOBODY else, no one. Here's the issue. I love my mom, I really do, but she wants to see me every single day. She doesn't want to go anywhere without me, except to the hairdresser, grocery shopping and that's it.
She has only one friend who she sees about once a week. I have encouraged her to talk to her neighbors and invite them over. She won't. I even said I would make her food and drop it off at her house so she wouldn't have to cook. Nope, won't do it.
I would love to see my mother once or twice a week, but she wants to see me every day. I feel guilty as hell. I see her 4 to 5 times a week for about 4 to 8 hours a day and I am ready to burst with misery about her being here so much and guilt about my seflish attitude for not wanting her here as much as she is. And I hate it. I cannot stand seeing her so much. She doesn't talk, just sits on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to her. She is very very lonely. I get that, but she doesn't want to do anything without me.
I have encouraged her to: go to the senior centre, volunteer, join a book club, invite someone over from church. Her response? "No, because my hips hurt/back hurts etc" or my ultimate favorite of "Karen, these people have families. I am not going to ask them to do something with me when they have families of their own." I encourage my daughters to spend time with their grandmother but they really don't want to because she either a) complains, b) doesn't talk, or c) all of the above.
In the ideal situation, my mother would come over every single day and sit on my sofa until I come downstairs, oh so joyful to see her and then I would tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my wonderful life since I last saw her (yesterday). But I don't have exciting stories to tell. I just don't. The conversations are always one sided. I have to think of something to say and she responds with yes or no, or talks very little and then stops until I have to think of something else to say. It's exhausting.
My mother attends church weekly and once in a while goes to a function there. I've encouraged her to do more as have people at church but she has only one pet project: spending time with me. That is her ultimate goal every single day of her life. And truthfully, it's draining.
There are many things she could do but doesn't want to. Everyone loves my mother. She truly is a good, kind, decent person. But I just can't stand seeing her day after day after day and racking my brains to come up with some conversation. She routinely says, "Karen, talk to me, just say anything" and do try. I swear I do.
The stress is killing me. I spoke to her doctor and she is on an antidepressant, but that does not cure her loneliness. It does not stop her from calling everyday to find out "when can I come over?" It does not stop me from cringing at the thought of spending so much time with her. If I say that I am busy, she whispers "Oh, okay" in a very soft unhappy voice, and sure that means I don't have to see her that day, but I do the next.
I never get to spend anytime alone with my own children. A few days ago I said, "Mom, I think that me and the kids will go to see a movie, just the three of us. I haven't spent any time alone with them for months and months now." Her wistful response, "Oh, I wish I could go." I felt like screaming, "God damn it mother. I spend more time with you than anyone. You are choking me and sucking all my happiness out of me. Go find someone to talk to. How selfish a person are you that you demand to spend so much time with me but you can't let me spend two hours with my children once, just once. I more or less told her this but she said, "I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that's all."
What do I do? I have tried reasoning with her many times. If I am gentle or if I am strong or if I am nice or if I am mean, it results in the same thing: her saying "Fine. I won't bother you anymore then. You live your life. Goodbye." And then her calling me the next day. So truthfully, what is the point having hurt feelings and anger if nothing every changes?
I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore.
What do I do? She is sitting downstairs on my sofa now. It is about 5pm and she has been here since 1pm. On Wednesdays I need to take her to her doctor, which will of course mean that she will say after the appointment, "Is it okay if I just sit on your sofa? I'm not coming in your house to run all over it. I won't bother you?" On Friday she has a morning appt too which will result in the same thing.
Today I said to her, "Do you want to come out to lunch with me today (to a place she likes) or to dinner (a place she doesn't like)" She chose lunch, and idiot that I am, I figured when we got back 2 hours ago that she would leave. She didn't. Instead she said she will "find something to eat" at the place we are going to for dinner, so now that means she will be here until 8pm.
Am I a selfish horrible person? My mother is so wonderful and kind and gives me money all the time and will do anything for me. I feel like I should be doing all of this with a smile on my face instead of with anger and resentment in my heart. I am crying buckets right now and feel like a complete moron. Am I?
well dear she is set at on her own pace and that is how its been for many years . she s livin in fear and doesnt want to go places by herself .
seems to me what i said in my last post nobody agrees with me , love your mom and give her a big hug . your mom desevre happiness . if sittin on the couch makes her happy then by gosh its not hurtin her only happy to be near her only daughter she knows .
she had a rough life and phyiscal damages already been done .
shes clingin on to you cuz you are her happiness. without you only god knows what it will do to her .
maybe you could find someone that is a chatterbox and have her spend some time with your mother . she likes to hear somebody talkin to her .
think about this , your daughter will be moving out when theyre old enuff and you will be in your mothers shoes one day .
i remeber when i was little my oldest sister and my mom would hang out alot , my mom didnt drive (bad eyes). they had a good time ! laugh and we went to yard sales and out to eat . my mom and my oldest sister both were bestfriends ! till my oldest sister remaried some jerk and he took her out of state thousands miles away from home . mom would worry so much , bless her heart , takin her bestfriend and daughter away from her and didnt hear from her for years !my sis was abuse by her husband , till that jerk husband divorced her then sis would call home , only to find that mom has cancer ,
its so sad friend . i am crying right now . it hurts so much . it ruin my sister too . now shes 64 yrs old and has stage one alz . she is still thousands miles away and i cant be there for her .
begin loved and then get slap across face sure aint a way to live . like i said life too short .
if your mom wants to sit on your couch and u wanna go to movies with urdaughter just go ahead and go , tell ur mom u be back in few hrs . turn tv on for her she feels comfertable on your couch . tel her if she s going home tolock the door behind her .
youre the only daughter she has in her life .
i know i see dad everyday i take care of him everyday and there is times i just wanna walk out the front door and just keep going , its cuz im stress out and im tired . i sit out by thebarn and chillout . then i come back in and start all over again . its my dad i cant turn my back on him , he gave me a good life and spoiled me when i was growing up . i tell you i count my blessing to have him for my dad .
To answer some questions: My mother was married once before. Her ex husband was physically abusive. He smashed her head into a wall and punched her pregnant belly and a myriad of other things she hasn't told me about. She actually had five children with this man. Her first, a baby boy, died at one month of age from pneumonia. Her ex was always abusive to her but not to the children. She lived in Ireland with him at the time and she told me she tried many times to leave him (taking the four children with her), but she could not stay away too long. Remember this is fifty something years ago. They did not have long term places for battered women to go.
She ended up leaving him for good and she left the children too. This was around the time she met my father. Her children ranged in age from nine months to ten years when she left. She did not speak with them again for many many years. I think she feared for her life. Her ex is in the IRA in Ireland and said he would kill her if he could. One of her children contacted my mom when she was about seventeen years old. I met her a few times. I met my other "sister" once. I have never met my "brothers." Growing up as an only child I really really wanted them in my life, but every time I would bring the subject up my mother would tell me not to talk about them. Maybe it was because she felt guilt at abandoning them, I don't know.
I know it seems like I kind of went off track there, and sorry, I guess I did. But I did it just to give you some background.
So although she had four other children, she really doesn't. She says that they "don't bother" with her, and I do see sorrow in her eyes. It's a catch 22 situation. Yeah, she abandoned them, but yes, she was in fear of her life. Either way, those are the facts.
My mothers "job" growing up was to run an excellent household and to take care of my dad and me. She did. The house was always spotless and I was given proper amounts of attention and affection. My mom worked a full time job, but only for a few weeks. She also did dressmaking from the house and she did that for a few hours a week. She never went out of the house unless she was with me or my dad. She never went out with friends, just me and my dad.
That was in England. We emigrated to America in 1981. My mom worked very briefly, a few months, and then went back to being a homemaker. Her life revolved around my wonderful father and me.
However, I do remember her calling me (when I lived four hundred miles away, now I live five minutes away. I moved here, VA, so I could help my mother out since my dad had passed away in 2005) and her saying many times to me, "Your dad doesn't want to be with me,he's exercising/at college so he doesn't have to be with me." And yes, my dad did go to college when he retired and yes, he did go the gym each day, but that's it. He didn't do anything out of the realm of normalcy. I also remember her saying to me, when they would come up to NJ to visit me and the kids before we moved down here, "Karen. Your dad has not said anything to me since we left the house five hours ago. Not one word." My dad would then laugh and say, "What do you want me to say?" It wasn't until I moved down here that I realized that my mother doesn't speak. Again, like I was saying in my previous post, it's always a one sided conversation, with me desperately trying to find something-anything to say to her to fill the empty silence.
My mother does live alone. I have mentioned assisted living to her before. Her doctor, in private, told me it would be the best thing for her, but mom refuses. I brought it up to her a few days ago and she said, "karen, those places are for people to go to when their families don't care about them." Knowing my mother as I do, no amount of me convincing, arguing, enlightening etc would work. I know from past experience that she only gets angry when I say anything "against" her.
This may come into play too, her own mother died when my mother was only two years old. So she grew up without the love of a mother. Her father was in a wheelchair (he was dropped down the stairs by his drunken nanny) his whole life. After her own mother died, she and her brother, a newborn, and her wheelchair bound father went to live with her uncle. My mother told me that in that house, "it was abusive. The uncle would hit his wife. Everyone was drunk. Everyone would smoke. Everyone would curse." My mother is the exact opposite of all those things, maybe because she lived in that environment. She does not curse, smoke, drink, nothing. She dresses very well, keeps her home neat, loves me and my children to the ends of the earth.
Again, the "only" problem is that she wants to see me every single day. It's like she can't breathe without me.
No, my mother has never volunteered. Yes, there are tons and tons of things going on at her church, but she either goes to very very few of them or BEGS me to go with her or doesn't go at all.
I am scared that if I die before her she will have no one. My daughters will not want to spend 20+ hours a week with her and there is no one else.
She is a loving woman, but very very stubborn. She will participate in more activities probably, but only with me. Her general response is "I'll go if you go."
I have never even been on a vacation without her. I know that if I dare to say that me and the kids are going somewhere without her, even for a day trip, she will whine and beg and moan and say that she wants to go to.
I feel like I am being strangled, but I feel terrible about feeling this way.
Any other takers?
I am so glad that people started responding quickly to your plea - I believe you truly are feeling desperate. And I can understand why because during all the 69 years my mom has been my mom she never seemed capable of being happy/content with her own company. I have learned one thing from this: a person cannot give someone else happiness or contentment - a person has to find it for him/herself.
I believe you have a RIGHT to make a life for yourself (you have been trying to start a new one on your own since the death of your husband and I imagine that is hard enough as, in addition to the stress of starting up a home-based business, I imagine you are still suffering heartbreak from the loss of your husband) and I believe you have a RIGHT to spend time with just your daughters.
You did not say how long your mother has been so dependent or why she is so dependent. Have you always been her whole life? If so, it will be tough to make a change but you must do it for your own sanity and in the end, the change should benefit your mother too. I don't know how far you want to push tough love but I think you need to start using at least a little.
And DON'T allow guilt to creep into the picture. It seems to me from what you wrote that your mother knows how to use guilt to manipulate you. I don't think that's very loving of HER. You wrote that she is kind and decent, gives you money and will do anything for you. If she will do anything for you, then expect more freedom from her.
She is not an OLD woman - she should be making more of a life for herself. Is there some reason WHY she can't? You wrote that she goes to church weekly. If she is a church-attending type woman I would think that there must be some job she could do for the church. Has she EVER done that type of thing? Has she ever volunteered for any charity? If she has always been a stay-at-home mom who never went out except to grocery shop or get her hair done, then you will have to gently but firmly get her doing something else besides being with you. There must be something she is capable of doing. Maybe your daughters could help you out that way - have them find something that their grandmother can do and ask them to get her started doing it. YOU need a well-deserved break. Please keep us posted as to what happens.
I too say cherish the times because when she's gone, she's gone. You won't be able to pick up the phone and listen to her. I also say you do indeed need time for yourself and your kids. Don't feel guilty for your feelings I think we've all experienced those from time to time.
Just know that I'm not alone helps me, and it will help you too. When I find myself resenting my mom, I disappear. I don't answer my phone at all and that's for my peace of mind. I know that my sister and her family are there and they will do their best. I also enlisted in home care for my mom but that's a different story in itself.
Keep on keeping on Karen and you will be blessed for doing what you're doing.
My Mom is in a nursing home now-she's 93 and she still is only happy if I'm visiting her.
Do your best to seperate yourself from her now, see her at the most, once a week, I wish I would have done just that.
I love my Mom with all my heart but we all need freedom too.
I don't believe your doing her or yourself any favors by giving into her every whim.
My Mom doesn't even know how to make friends, she never had to, I was there all the time, don't do that to yourself.
It's a tough situation for you and there's no easy or perfect solution. I would suggest that you focus on acceptance of your mother's behavior and find ways that you can go on with your life even if she's sitting on your couch. If she makes comments when you want to go to a movie with your daughters, she is being unreasonable. You can respond to that by giving in, being angry, and trying to change her, or by doing what you want and knowing in your heart that it's unreasonable for her to need you so much. By the way, does your mother live by herself? If so, you really need to try to get her into a home. Many seniors fiercely resist going into a home, but once they get there find that they have a big circle of new friends and activities.
Ultimately, you hold the power, not her. She needs your help and companionship, but there is a limit to what you can give. If you can get past your guilt and do for yourself what you need, at least one of you will be happy. Your mother will not be happy even if you see her every day. She is looking for something deeper that you can't give.
Best of luck to you.
knowing she s up at the age and is scared of begin alone .
my dad is 86 yrs old , he does not like to be around people otherthan me .
so i know what ure going thru , he moved in with me cuz he needed care 24-7 and i was willin to do that . at least ur mom is not begin loud or abusevie and causin you all kinds of problems ,
better enjoy her now cuz my friend she aint going to be around forever ,
my dad stays in the living room and i stay out in family room where my computer is and i take my break away from him . he ususaly sleeping or watching tv . i tried to get him move around do excerise . noooooooooooooo he says ,
your mom loves you and wants to be with you . i wish i have a mom . i lost her 20 yrs ago , (cancer) so dad is all i have left and i dont mind him sittin in living room and smile every time i see him .
im very close to my daughter and i think i ll do the same thing when i get old . im 47 ..:-)
give your momma a big hug for me ....
It could be that if she no longer can depend on you to talk to her whenever she wants, she will take some responsibility for getting out and joining church groups, etc. That way you might be able to start her on a transition that's healthier for both of you. GOOD LUCK and God bless.